Circles

"If they be two, they are two so" - John Donne

If they be two, they are two so

As stiff twin compasses are two

Like the water which tried to swallow me, it all rushed back and I finally understood everything. I knew why each of them blamed themselves, but the fact is no one could have changed anything, not even me. I was happy though in those moments before…

Mum sat beside the bed. I saw her this time as Dad had once described her, “all colour” and her brightness sharply contrasted with the white around her. It was the first time I’d seen her visit me on her own and I already knew why. It was her choice, ultimately. To keep me plugged in, for that slight chance I might wake up; or to cut the threads that held me in this suspension.

“I never thought we’d be here. I suppose though, no one ever expects this.” She said, considering her words as they came out as if she wasn’t talking to just me, but herself too; convincing herself. “I was searching your room for anything that might help me choose, and believe me honey, I don’t want to choose. If you wake up now it would save us all from each other, and ourselves. I found this.” She made a half-gesture with the paper in her hand. “It’s from that assessment you had… you remember. I can remember when you brought it home from school, you were so proud.

 ‘They told me to talk about myself, but when I think about myself I don’t see one person, I see many...’” She started reading from the paper, and I began to remember, I was so nervous when I gave that speech, freaking out that I’d done it wrong. “‘And I know that I am parts of them all, just as they are me. I see my Dad, everyone says I’ve got his genes, but it’s more than that. My confidence is because of the pride he shows when he introduces me to anyone new, like I’m an amazing artwork that should be admired. I see my Mum and the talents she has which she attempts to teach me, and sure I failed at loads of it but there’s the parts that stuck, for example my ability to make scraps into something quirky. I see my sister who always made me feel special by asking for my terrible advice in a crisis and insisting that it worked somehow even when it only made situations worse. I see my Nan and Pop who taught me things work if you’re patient enough to let them, and I see the people who believe I will do exactly what I want. Asking me about myself is like explaining how the flower grew; it’s a cycle that just keeps going.’ You did drag on a bit after that,” Mum giggled a little, tears in her eyes. “I read the ending though, which is important, to me at least, and although you probably know it I’m going to read it. ‘I am everyone who influenced me.’

You were such a wise child, you understood so much about things which should have been beyond you –but do you understand this? Do you even know what has happened? It hurts when I try to think about the decision I made, and I keep thinking what if you do eventually open your eyes? If I let you go, that’s it – there’s no hope after that. You will never open your eyes again.” She just sat there after that, unmoving, staring at me as if trying to accept everything. I’d never seen her so disheartened but I’d also never admired her strength more.