I've honestly had suicidal thoughts these past few days, but don't worry, I won't do that. I guess? Lately, life has been more complicated. A couple of days ago, around midnight, things got worse. I have been looking for someone to talk to, for my feelings on that time to be gone, seeking for someone who will understand my suffering. Unlucky, there are none. There are people that were online at that time, people that I know, but I don't want to tell them my suffering; they are not the people that I was hoping to talk to at that time. I was so desperate at that time that I even thought about venting out to someone I didn't know. People suffering from anxiety and trauma are weakest at midnight.
Silent battles usually occur at night, and people experiencing them know every story of the night. Trauma that keeps coming back vividly to my mind, trauma that I don't want to remember anymore. My thoughts are exploding inside my head: pressure in life, family, finances, trauma, seeking someone to talk to to vent out all of this, but I choose not to because there is none. There are people with whom I could possibly talk that night, but I remembered that the last time I vented to someone, he didn't understand my suffering.
That someone kept me thinking for months if I should vent out to this person. The person that I wanted to understand me didn't; I somehow knew that would be his reaction. Why am I disappointed in a friend that I thought would understand me? Hence, I suffer from keeping all my problems to myself; that's why I seek someone to talk to. I may know a lot of people, but I don't want them to pity me. I don't need their pity. I may have my closest friend with whom I can vent, but I won't. They also have different problems that they're currently facing. I don't want to put a burden on them. I always say that I don't want to commit suicide because I'm afraid. But can I really do that in the future? I'm afraid of myself and my lies. My lies even convinced me. I'm afraid of myself. I don't know what to do right now.
If you're reading these, (my friend), please don't message or see me. I really want to be alone. Don't worry, I will figure this out; this is my own battle. Let me handle this. If you're really concerned about me, please don't message me; I'm not testing your loyalty or something. Please, just don't. I just really, really want to be alone this time. Thank you so much.
YOU ARE READING
Darkest night of my life
RandomI'm X, and this will be my diary. My thought was that I don't have the courage to tell someone anymore.
