Darkest night of my life

Monday, July 31, 2023

It is really hard if you have multiple faces that you're showing to different people. Faces that conceal my true feelings about everything. Whenever my friend is having a hard time, the advice that I am giving to them can't apply to myself.

I'm more talk than do; that is my own way of making them feel that they have me, that they have someone to talk to. I have been talking to them, saying that whatever happens, it does not cross my mind to think of suicide, but in reality it does.

I'm scared, and I want my words to manifest so that it will not cross my mind anymore. I'm afraid of myself, my lies, and everything. The fake smile that I've been giving to others makes me also seek it; I don't want to show them my struggles. I don't want or need their pity. But sometimes I tell my closest friends about my struggle, but I don't want to become a burden to them.

I don't want to bother them with my own problems anymore; they also have their struggles. I also don't want them to look down on me; why would they look down at you? What will you ask me? I don't know, because that is what I am thinking, and that will not change; it's just pride. Pride resides in me; I was born with a great deal of pride.

I usually tell my friends that I have some errands, am busy, and am sick whenever they ask to hang out. But the real reason is that I don't yet want to go with them, faking that I am enjoying it even though I am struggling. They knew me as a loquacious, jolly, and very outgoing person.

If any of my friends read this, please keep it to yourself. Don't message me about this if you do. I have no choice, as I don't want to cut off someone because that hurts me.

I will cut you off for good. Please don't talk to me about this; I'm afraid and I don't want to. Let me be. I will figure this out; if things go wrong, then be it. I will probably solve this.

Please respect my decision, and I do trust that you all will do it. Thank you so much; I really appreciate you. I know that you care for me; don't worry, and I'm lucky and thankful for that.