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Lily White. A girl that lost her best friend recently and is bullied at school.
A shy girl that has trouble standing up for herself. She gets through school every single day, not one without struggle.
Ryan Baker. The new...
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Trigger warning: panic attack, trouble with eating/body
I'm sitting on the floor. I can't breathe. Help. "Mum." My shaky voice calls out. "Dad?" Why is no one home. I grab my phone. I can barely see anything. Standing up I stumble my way over to the bathroom. "Ryan..." my breath gets shaky. I click on his contact.
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It's late, or early however you want to call it. It's currently 3 am and i'm pretty sure I'm home alone. Parents are probably still at that dinner party. I did actually eat dinner. But now that I'm looking in the mirror, I just don't feel very confident anymore as my smile disappears. I take off my shirt. Standing there in my bra, I look at my stomach and my brows furrow. As I take off my pants, I look at my legs. I turn around and sigh. I'm debating, trust me I am. But in the end I shake my head and walk over to the bathroom. The moment I stand over the toilet and force myself to throw up I feel regret, but worse...relief.
This house is too much for me right now. I put on my sport clothes and go outside. It's still dark, but I don't care. The moment I step outside I hear rustling behind me. I turn around quickly and grab my chest, but I can barely see anything so I just start running. I need to take my mind off everything.
I have been avoiding Ryan since what he said to me, I don't understand what happened there. Did I do something without knowing? I'm on my way home now, jogging down the street. Finally some peace. I put on my headphones. While listening I close my eyes in enjoyment and exhale calmly. I hear mumbling behind me. Please don't be a creep. Looking behind me, I see three men. Oh my god. I thought they were grown men until they took off their hoods revealing Henry, Brent and Dean. My eyes widen as I turn my head back. Are they following me? It's fucking 4 in the morning. I jog faster. Praying they are going to leave, but I only feel them speeding up more behind me. Were they the noises I heard? Were they waiting for me?
"Wait up. You think I wouldn't find out?!" Henry yells at me as he grabs my arm. I hadn't even realized they had ran to catch up with me. I look him straight in the eyes and then give Brent and Dean a quick look behind him. "What are you talking about?" I try to say as calmly as possible. Even though no one is here —which is not very smart of me, I should've chosen the more publicly open route home— I don't want him to cause a scene, wake people up. Please don't cause a scene, please don't cause a— he tugs my arm forward him, making me uncomfortably close to him. Brent opens his mouth but closes it immediately.
"Some fucking guy came up to me at school saying they knew I beat up a girl named Lily...you." What. The. Fuck. Who is some guy, and why now, 1 month later, does he tell Henry he knows what happened that day behind school. I wince at the flashbacks.
"What... someone knows?" Fuck. Henry grabs my jaw to force me to look him in the eyes. "Don't fucking act so innocent. No one was around, I checked. You fucking went around telling people I beat you up, you bitch!" I take a step back as he steps forward, but Dean grabs his chest and looks him in the eyes for a moment, his face telling him to calm down. Henry clenches his fist. "It wasn't me. I swear." I hold my breath to stay strong. My nails are digging so deep in the palm of my hands they might start bleeding.
Henry argues with Dean, clearly he is mad that Dean held him back. Dean is trying to talk some sense into him, telling him to stop before someone walks by or comes out of their house. I feel like I'm about to faint. This is all too much. I grab my chest to try to control my breathing. I look up at them. Brent is the only one looking at me, his mouth moves, but he doesn't make a sound. I squint my eyes trying to see what he is saying.
Suddenly I understand. 'Leave, now'.
The next thing I know I turn around and I run away. I hear an angry "come back!" But I just keep going until I reach home. I'm so out of breath. My hands are shaking, I'm rummaging through my bag for my keys. The first thing I do the moment I close the front door behind me, is sink to the floor. I call out for my parents but I hear nothing. I grab my phone, scrolling for anyone. Then suddenly I think of one person. The one person I did not want to talk to anymore today. "Ryan..." I click on call. It got answered immediately.
I hear him speak, I feel him trying, his sadness. I want to say something. I open my mouth— Why can't I say something? My breath hitches and I can't tell him anything. I put my hand on my mouth as I gasp for air while my leg bounces up and down. "Lily? Sunshine? You there?" I close my eyes with force and I exhale again. Don't hang up. He asks me if I'm okay and all I can do is shake my head, which in this situation does not help me very much. I just noticed I'm crying. He can probably hear me sobbing on the other side of the line. "Ryan.." I choke out. And then he does something I never would've thought of, he hangs up.
It starts raining out of nowhere. I throw my head against the wall. I look at my hands, that have such a deep fingernail stamp on it, it might just scar. I scoff at my phone. He hung up. I pull my knees close to my chest and start counting. I pull my sleeves down and wipe my tears away. I think back to the day. At the back of the school, all alone with him and his friends. I should've fought back harder. If someone told Henry that they knew, who told him? And who else knows? I can't remember seeing someone else. I'm trying to calm myself down but I think I'm just making it worse. Crawling I made my way to the kitchen. I can't calm down, it won't pass.
Suddenly I hear a bonk against the door, I jump up and turn my way to the door. I hear mumbling. Another bonk. While grabbing possibly anything to hold on to I move closer, no way. "Lily open the door, please. Please." I open my mouth in shock. "It's Ryan. I just need to make sure..." I gasp when I realize again that it is raining and I scramble my way over to the door, my eyes are super sore and red. Probably still wet with tears, but he went through this to make sure I was okay.
I swing the door open. His eyes are wide and also kind of red. I look at him. He is soaked, his bike is clattered on the ground, his grey shirt is sticking to his skin and he looks exhausted. But besides all of that, his face is filled with worry. "Lily I came as soon as I—" I couldn't care for a single thing in the world right now because I let go of the wall and run outside throwing my arms around his waist, burying my face in his wet chest. I hear him inhaling but with no hesitation he wraps his arms around me and lays his head on mine. "I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just had a thing with my mum and I shouldn't have taken it out on you." I put my hand on his chest and push him away. "Omg wait come inside you— well, we are soaked." I grab his hand and drag him inside realizing I feel better, I can breathe again.
I run upstairs and grab some towels. I will make him a hot tea, because damn, he literally came to my house just to see me. "Ryan, I'm sorry for making you come this way. You shouldn't have." He stares at me. "Stop, of course I should. Lily you're— you're amazing and I don't want you to suffer." I sigh loudly in my head. Stop Ryan. "I really care about you. But why were you having a panic attack?" I pause. How do I... do I even tell him? Henry and his friends followed me while I was on a walk and they threatened me and oh yes by the way, they beat me up some time ago. "I guess it was just stress. Nothing really." My leg bounces as I look down. He puts his hand on my knee. "You can tell me anything, you know that right?" He smiles, his stupid dimples show. "Of course."
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author's note _______________________ This is probably the biggest chapter I've posted on here. Hope you enjoyed 💗
