I'd recently had watched "nimona" I loved it. The characters were amazing and the "gay flare" was amazing. but one line stuck with me. and it tends to cross my mind a lot. "I don't know what's scarier, the fact that the whole kingdom wants to run a sword through my heart, or that sometimes I just wanna let 'em" I go silent every time it crosses my mind. knowing I'll basically do the same in 3 years. 2025. I'd never had told anyone. But I made the quote related to me. "I don't know what's scarier. The fact that almost everybody I meet wants to run a knife through my heart, or that sometimes...I just wanna let 'em"
I'd never liked life tbh. At least until I was around 9. I was sick of it. I was sick of living, I was sick of friends, bullying and my family. I promised myself 2 things.
1. I would never break a promise
2. I would commit suicide at 12.
"3 years will be enough" I said to myself. I joined hockey and found a special person (I won't mention who they are, but if your reading this. they'll know.)
I developed a crush on them. Their smile, humor, they had fluffy hair, I loved their style, and their family. their friends. How they had their life planned. Their book taste. I admired them. after I met them my life changed.
I allowed myself to break one promise.
number 2.
They made me move my date 2 more years and I'm so thankful for that. I have a few more opportunities. And I guess I have to make the most of it.
I'm scared to feel the pain.
I've texted the hotline 4 times.
I've had a therapist.
I've vented to people.
I've cut.
I've starved myself.
I've passed out too many times from panic attacks.
I've tried killing myself.
I've tried so much shit. Why am I scared?
