untitled document

untitled part 2

april 20

it's so hard to wake up, and continue life. i feel so empty. my heart feels empty yet so heavy. dalawang oras na ako dito sa kama, nakatingin sa kawalan iniisip kung saang parte ba 'ko nagkamali. kung ano bang ginawa kong mali. saan ba 'ko nagkulang? i have so many unanswered questions. ganon na lang ba talaga kadali na itapon at itigil lahat? hay, wala mangyayari sa akin kung puro ganito na lang gagawin ko. i made the bed and showered for 1 hour. i feel so lifeless. i sat down in front of my pc but i couldn't even open genshin. i don't wanna play genshin, it's hurting me so much knowing that i only play it because of him. now that he's gone ano pang purpose nito? ano pang purpose ng mga ito.  i don't know anymore. i am so lost and empty. i just want to start over again. i want to hug him. i want this to end. i want to heal him but i don't know how. i don't want this. i don't want this at all. i don't know where to start, where to go, or who to talk to. i am so lost, i am just so lost. i need him, his hugs and assurances. his kisses and comforts. i need his touch and words. i need him so badly that i will do anything just to get him back. but i can't. 

i cried to pika, baymax, and potchi all day, i just wanted their comfort-his comfort through them. i hope he's with mochi now. i miss them. i miss them so much and it's really hurting me. i don't know what else to do. please be back. im at my lowest right now and it sucks na wala akong matakbuhan. i just need him, please. i just need him. i don't want this pain anymore. 

i feel so tired and i just wanna sleep, i don't have the energy for my friends. pero xandria called and we talked a lot about what's happening, im thankful for her. it was a nice perspective. after our talk, i felt so dry and weak, that even crying and thinking was a waste of energy. i slept early but i kept on waking up in the middle of the night, constantly checking my phone if there was a message from him pero bakit pa ako mage-expect eh he blocked me nga. the first thing he did after he broke up with me was to hang up the call and block me. 

april 21

i woke up very early today. i don't feel anything other than aloneness. hindi ko alam kung totoo bang wala na kami, totoo bang tapos na? anyway, bibisita si nanay bukas sa kaibigan niya kung saan nagsstay si samuel. i wanna go to him and talk to him about what happened. saan ba ako nagkamali? totoo bang hanggang dito na lang lahat? apat na taon na mawawala na parang bula? lahat ng pinaghirapang buuin, lahat ng sinakripisyo at inalay. napunan namin ang espasyo ng isa't isa, nakapundar ng lahat para mabuo ang bahay na pilit naming tinatayo sa loob ng apat na taon. hindi pa ganon kabuo pero kitang kita na ang progreso. kitang kita ang aming marka sa bawat sulok ng bahay. totoo bang mawawala na?

hahayaan ko ba 'yon? 

hindi pa rin alam ni nanay kung anong nangyayari sa amin ni samuel. wala siyang kaalam-alam na wala na kami. parang nung isang linggo lang eh andito siya sa bahay, tinutulungan niya ako sa thesis ko at sinamahan ako sa thesis defense. muntik pa nga kami mag-away nun kasi wala nanamang ambag ang mga kagrupo ko, lagi na lang ako ang gumagalaw. iyak ako nang iyak nun kasi stress na stress na ako sa documents namin, siya naman ay tinutulungan ako sa RRL at pag-proofread kung may grammatical errors ba. sa aming dalawa kasi siya ang mas matalino. siya ang valedictorian at siya ang masipag talaga lalo na sa pag-aaral. kumbaga siya ay book smart at ako naman ang street smart. hahahahaha uso pa ba 'yon? parehas kaming panganay ngunit sa lahat ay baliktad na. matalino siya-bobo ako. maputi siya-kayumanggi ako. matangkad siya-maliit ako. i know we differ in everything but when we clash-we clash real good. we clash with genuine love, care and affection. and that it glides smoothly and naturally. i don't know how to let go of this 'cos i know in the future this is the story i'll proudly tell to our children. that their parent's love is genuine and real. pero paano na ngayon na gumuguho na ang bahay na tinatayo namin? ilang bagyo na ang dumaan at ilang tapal na rin ang nagawa, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na gumuguho na lahat. 

hindi ko alam paano ko sasabihin kay nanay na sasama ako sa kanya bukas sa pagbisita sa kaibigan niya kung saan nakatira si samuel sapagkat pumunta na ako nung isang linggo. magagalit nanaman 'yon kasi lagi na lang akong bumibisita kay samuel. shit, i really don't know what to do saka isa pa paano ko maipapaliwanag kay samuel na andon ako? should i lie? i think YES

tangina hindi ko alam paano ko gagawin, hindi ako makahinga. hindi ko rin alam kung saan ko pa ichchat si samuel kasi blocked ako sa lahat ng social media accounts niya. oh diba siya pa ang nag-block, ang kapal talaga ng mukha. ITS ALWAYS THE STRAIGHT MEN. 

i texted samuel hoping na 'di ako blocked sa phone. after ilang minutes he responded, he called me to straigthen out the plan. OKAY HEAR ME OUT i lied to 2 persons now: nanay and samuel. ang paliwanag ko kay nanay eh pinipilit ako ni samuel na pumunta. ang sabi ko naman kay samuel ay pinipilit ako ni nanay dahil bakit hindi pa raw ako pumunta kung pupunta naman siya. and the real reason why i did this is because i wanna see and talk to him. i can't fucking accept the fact that he really ended us. 

and the sad part of what happened today was im becoming what i don't want. bumabalik nanaman yung matagal ko nang kinalimutan, ang pagsusuka. 

april 22

it's 10am and im here in front of his door, he opened the door, smiled so wide, and left a kiss on my nanay's cheek. he hugged me. magaling siyang umarte. but im on the verge of crying, i can't look into his eyes, i just want to hug him so badly. pumunta na kami sa kwarto niya para makapag-usap. 

i was shaking so bad, im trying to not cry. i am too heartbroken for this. he sat on the bed and made eye contact with me. he leaned back and asked if i was okay. how were things going for me? tangina, anong gusto niya sabihin ko? na okay na ako? na im fine with all of these? 

i was crying so bad as he explained his side. tangina 'di ko na talaga ata ito kayang ilaban. he can't seem to find his happiness in our relationship. he was lost and he felt helpless. i am asking for a chance to make these all right. putangina naman kasi last week okay na okay kami tapos biglang ganito? in a snap biglang 'di na siya masaya, biglang 'di na niya mahanap rason kung bakit pa siya nagste-stay? putangina lang diba

oo na, i fucking begged. i fucking begged him to stay and give me a chance to make things right. i cried and hugged me so fucking tight, 'di ko pa ito kayang mawala eh putangina naman. i begged him to fight but he didn't like me in his life anymore. apat na taon tinapos nang ganito kadali. tinapos nang walang kalaban-laban. putangina 

he was so casual with me like everything is fine, like everything was in his control. he looked better without me. he looks happy without me. and it's been 3 fucking days!! and he looks so good without me agad? i hugged him the last time, binigay ko na rin yung promise keychain namin, i was crying the whole time. i told him that i'll be fine, and he doesn't need to worry about me. that i am always hoping for his genuine happiness. i kissed him on the cheek for the last time, i looked at him in the eye and smiled. wala akong ibang gusto kun'di maging masaya ka, mahanap mo ang mga sagot sa mga katanungan mo. i genuinely wanted to help him, sabi ko pa nga magpa-psychologist kami para lang matulungan ko siya at masagip kung ano ang pwedeng isagip.

this is a painful heartbreak. while nanay was cooking for our lunch, i broke them off the news. samuel and i broke up. wala na, wala na talaga. niyakap ako ni nanay nang mahigpit at sinabayan ako sa pag-iyak. tinawagan ko rin si xandria, mila and si xino. they cried with me too. i am just so thankful for my friends, they've been a good support system to me.