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april 23, 2023

this day has hit me hard, i woke up with the feeling of aloneness. i have no partner anymore, i have no one anymore. wala ng good morning messages, wala ng mga cuddles and calls. wala na lahat. this is the first time that everything was in front  of me-shrouding my thoughts, making my perspectives hazy and just making me go blank. i cried for hours, betty went to the house and we talked konti about what happened. she just listened for hours, also thinking how hard my place is right now. she did not expect this to happen, sa lahat daw ng kilala niyang mag-jowa kami raw ang pinaka hindi niya inexpect na maghihiwalay. me too, betty. me too. 

i visited samuel's facebook and i can see his shared post about the post breakup. it's making me cry how hard it is for him too. alam kong hindi niya rin ito ginusto, pero anong magagawa ko? i am not just enough anymore. my love for him alone can't fight for this madness. i fought for 4 years and getting tired is just a word to me now but being tired, alone and helpless is another thing. i wanted to make this work. to help him, and make it out of his misery. i helped him too much that i became too much for him. masyado na raw akong mabigat. eventho my actions were genuine, it wasn't enough for him. 

it took everything to stay. as cliché as it may sound pero inubos ko ang lahat ng ako para sa kanya. we haven't had a good start but we made our way to get here. apat na taon. apat na taon na kasama ko siya, binuo ko ang pangarap, ang buhay ko kasama siya. we built our house from the ground up for 4 years. inuna ang pundasyon, ang pintuan, ang upuan, ang sala; lahat ng makikita ay ang mga naipundar namin ng 4 na taon. naipundar naming ng magkasama, ng magkahawak-kamay, ng magkatabi at higit sa lahat, ng puno ng pagmamahala. 

"i-shot mo na ito, belle!" paulit-ulit na sinasabi sa akin ni alyssa. my friends set a date here sa circuit makati. we drank almost 10 smirnoffs at this point. i am still sane, i can still feel this throbbing pain. i am so thankful for my friends, isang tawag lang andito na sila lahat sa tabi ko. this is something i will be eternally grateful for-for them. wala na siguro ako kung wala sila. i am so thankful for my friends and i will do whatever it takes to keep them. 

we laughed and talked all night. i shared to my friends all what samuel and i had. what we had was the best experiences i can ever asked for. that i will never forget what we had. i am thankful too for samuel for letting me experience what really love is. 

love is indeed patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoings, but rejoices with the truth. 

love is indeed him. 

april 24, 2023

i started the day normally and less sad (wow) i daydreamed about a happy life and it somehow made me happy lol. i worked out and sweated A LOT. WTF FOR ME bc it dripped so fucking bad HAHAHA. tho yay for me bc i started the day productive however, i just played valorant in the afternoon and watched kdrama in the night. samuel and i also massaging each other but for playing games only! we were very casual naman and it felt good sa side ko bc sana mag-work nga ito na 'friends' lang daw kami. 

after we played valorant, my friends and i stayed sa discord for an hour more to talk about the happenings in our life kahit kakakita lang namin kagabi. umalis na rin si samuel dahil may org works siya (lagi naman) i had some honest realizations with alyssa since kaka-break lang din nila john. alyssa said that keeping samuel as a friend will be more painful to me. maybe kini-keep ko lang yung contact ko with samuel para lituhin sarili ko na andito pa rin siya for me. that is so bad pala. na kaya ko nasasabi na kaya ko maging friends kami ay para hindi mag-stop yung connections namin, talk about pagiging tanga. hmmm idk tuloy kung anong habol ko sa kanya kung siya ba o tite niya lang HJAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH tangina hirap maging tigang kapag wala pang kapalit so pwede ba kahit sex lang EMZ AHDHAHHAHSHAHSAHAHAHAHA JOKE LANG THIS IS BC THE BREAKUP LANG TALAGA I AM NOT NORMALLY LIKE THIS!!! so anyway before the night is about to end, tita jessica messaged me kung kamusta na raw ako, kung kamusta na kami ni samuel. she knows how hard it is to experience a breakup and tita kung alam mo lang gaano kasakit ang nangyayari sa amin ng anak mo, pero wala eh i need to be strong and to be brave. idk what to respond so tom na lang siguro. hindi naman ako masyado nacry pero na-touch ako ng super on how genuine it is :<<

so now, idk kung ano gusto ko marating with samuel. but i think i need to give this time. i should stop contacting and messaging him. i should not be the one na mauuna na magchat, he should be the one messaging me and not me. after na lang siguro ng thesis ko saka ko siya ime-message tapos ill try to go to him and give him my gift. 

i also messaged naomi, she knows that samuel and i called it of na. honestly, i want us to be friends again. sana.

april 25, 2023

i am so inconsistent with my progress, i am sad by the time i woke up. i miss him. i miss him so much and it really hurts. it's getting hard again, i miss him every second. i miss our routines and bondings. i miss our talks, i miss him so bad na NAKAKAPUTANGINA. i didnt have a productive day today. i barely got out of bed but i ordered kfc (my comfort food ^^) 

i am so broken and lost. i just want to hug and hold him again. i just want him. i played valorant with xino-thank god for him! i barely survived the day if it wasn't for his presence. after playing, i spent for almost an hour and didn't attend my classes. i hate my life now, it's so bad bc it's dragging me down. HAY TANGINA NAMAN TALAGA

i am craving for his presence everyday, i want us to play and to talk. i want us to have endless interactions. i want the old us. i miss him so bad. pero kahit na ano naman ang nafi-feel ko hindi yon importante kasi ang importante eh kung ano yung kailangan niya. at hindi ako yon. should i wait for him? 

anyway, samuel, xino and i played 1 game in valo and hayy it is soooooooooo hard. i am so tilted. gagu sobrang tilted ko talaga naiiyak ako kapag nakakapatay ako or kapag napapatay ako. 

wtf. 

nakakapikon na hindi ko pa rin matanggal yung habit ko na kapag may nakita akong video sa tiktok sinesend ko pa rin sa sarili ko wala para lang ano ewan ko niloloko ko sarili ko ganon. pls i hope tom is a better day for me.

april 26, 2023

grabe so parang di umaayon sa akin ang tadhana. dahil kung kelan ko naman gusto pumasok saka sila dun magka-cancel ng klase. and it's been a week since samuel and i broke up!! infair medyo ambilis lang pala. WALA NA AKONG IBANG GINAGAWA KUNDI MATULOG, UMIYAK, MATULOG, UMIYAK KILA PIKA. this is the worst day ever!!