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april 22 - midnight

now that i'm all alone, it's sad yes but i think i somehow accepted the fact that we aren't compatible with each other. kahit na ginawa na namin lahat. i don't hate him. i'm just angry with his methods and how he handled this breakup. i am angry and and hurt on how he treated me for the past four years. i mean yes, he loved me so much. he loved me so dearly and maybe love really can't make a person stay. i'm now realizing how fool i was, how blinded and numbed. it really is too good to be true.  i thought we're the endgame. 

i'm crazy. i'm so crazy for him. i'm so inlove with him-with the idea of us. our reality, dreams, and fantasies. i was so into it. it felt like my life and my self was dependent on it. i really thought that our relationship was my reality and it's only thing i needed and wanted. like i made our relationship the driver of this car. it controlled me, it swerved on any direction. it stopped on the green light and drove on red. signals were just flickering lights and i avoided it all. now, i stand at the crossroads of what once was and what could be, what should be and what would be. 

i gave my all. i gave my soul, my heart, my life. all of me. i gave all of me. i thought that my relationship with him is the basis of me. i was dependent on our relationship-on him. i made him my world, i made him my stars, my planets that i don't have a space on my own galaxy. i was so consumed with the idea of us. that i became complacent believing  he would still love me until the very end. but i was wrong. i was absorbed by him that i lost sight of myself. the past four years were a rollercoaster but damn it was a wonderful rollercoaster. each day felt like a new ride, it was a series of twists and turns, a whirlwind of highs and lows. it was a moment of sunlight. it was a moment of spur. i enjoyed every bit of it yet all along he was looking for that safety bar, only looking out for himself.  and now as i stand to the exit, the rollercoaster is over, the ground feels unsteady beneath my feet. but i know that in time, i will find my balance again. it's time to move forward. all of these taught me more about myself and this world than i ever imagined. it has shown me strength i didn't know i had. and i will only thank him for all the experiences and memories we made. i'm thankful for him that i know now how important one's dignity and worth. how important to be present in the present. i love him so much and i know it will never change, i know my love for him is evergreen and addictive. but it's time to step up and give myself a pat on the back. 

and now i officially cut all my connections with samuel. i have nothing to do with him. i am now free and someday i will too find my happiness. i can do this; i will recover from this. here's a cheer to myself because i've come this far! belle, you are my little rockstar! i am so strong  to be able to come this far. i have never been so proud to myself because i know i will overcome this. i will now prioritize myself. thank you, belle for keeping up with my dumbass and shittiness, thank you for letting me feel loved and for letting me experience this. it was a great run and fight. and now, this is the time para ipaglaban ko naman ang sarili ko.