bad memories

3

3.1

Dear Jack, 

I finally decided to go home. Mostly because I wasn't really going to any classes and no one else is here. Everyone that I know has left campus, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm sitting on my bed right now, wearing your sweatshirt, listening to your playlist. This can't be healthy, but I couldn't care less due to the absolutely shitty day I just had. 

I visited your grave, Jack.  It's terrible. I hate it. I don't think I will be going very often. It was raining and I was walking around town. I was passing a flower shop, and I thought you might like some. So, I decided to head on over to the cemetery. I started crying and shaking before I even reached you. It took me a long time to finally have the guts to go over. But, when I did, guess who I ran into? Johnson. He was sitting down in front of you, bawling his eyes out. The mix tape you made us for christmas was playing, and I could just imagine your heavenly voice singing. Anyways, Johnson was a mess. And for once in my life, I decided not to be a total ass. I sucked up my own feelings, wrapped your leather jacket, that I just happened to be wearing, around his shoulders. I held him in my arms and let him scream and cry. It felt nice to comfort someone and not to be the one being comforted. I guess I hadn't realized that everyone else was going through the exact same thing. I mean, no one loved you like I did, but you were still very loved. Oh Jack, everyone loved you so much. Why did you have to leave? 

Anyways, Johnson and I just sat there for a few hours, filling you in on everything that's been going on. I think the worst part of today was staring at this block of granite or whatever, but not really being with you. Your body isn't there. They haven't been able to find it. I don't know why, but it's no where to be found. I would of liked to see you one more time at the funeral, but I guess we can't always get our way. 

We miss you and love you, Gilinsky. 

Love, Erica

3.2

"Jack was an amazing, friend, son, boyfriend, human." Johnson squeezed my hand in his. "Everyone dies too young." My breath hitched in my throat. "In this case, Jack is a very good example." Sam wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Jack, you will be missed." I looked around, seeing all of my friends intertwining their hands. "To finish this off, we have a few words from Erica Baird." I gulped back tears, and slowly stood up. I expected a reassuring hug from Gilinsky, but there was nothing. Nothing. There's nothing left. 

I started walking towards the front, receiving pity smiles from everyone in the entire room. I don't want your pity, I thought to myself. I want Jack. 

I cleared my throat, and pulled out the papers I had typed out. I looked down at them, realizing tears were falling and blurring the ink. Whatever. I knew I wasn't actually going to read them anyways. I stuffed them away and looked up, locking eyes with Sam. He gave me a shaky smile, tears brimming his eyes. 

I took a breath and began. 

"I'm Erica." I took a pause, trying to control myself. "And Jack Gilinsky is, and always will be, the love of my life. Our story is quite incredible, unfortunately I won't be able to tell you about it. I'm afraid I would disappear into a pool of tears if I began to explain how much I care for this boy." My voice cracked as the beginning of Yesterday began. Jack loved the Beatles. "This is our story, and it should die with us. And die with us it shall. I honestly hoped he'd be eulogizing me, but I guess life really isn't all that fair." Nash repetitively wiped at his eyes. I wanted to join him. "Life wasn't too fair with Jack. Life got in the way, and that's why we're all standing here today. I will refuse to accept that Jack will be remembered by his mistakes. Mistakes do not define you, they build your character. Remember that, when you're trying to support a relationship." I swallowed away my fear and blinked back a few tears. "Jack will be remembered by the warm brown colour that filled his eyes with life. Jack will be remembered by his beautiful laugh and the way it could cheer anyone up. Jack will be remembered by his heavenly voice and the way it felt like euphoria. Jack will be remembered by the way he saved me, and never let me go." I felt a tear spring down my face. "Jack will be remembered by the way he cared, for every single one of his friends." I choked on my words, tears falling quicker. "Jack will be remembered by his love for music." I half-sobbed. "Jack will be remembered by the way he loved me." I full on cried. I looked down, tears blurring my vision. After a few seconds, I took a deep breath. "He did all he could to keep me happy and healthy, and in some ways I blame myself. Sometimes I wake up and shout about how it should of been me. He should be standing up here, not me. I'm sorry, Jack." My voice cracked again. "I'm so sorry." I whispered. "You gave me life and taught me how to live, all within a limited time. And for that, I am grateful. And for you, Jack, I am grateful." I finished, bringing the back of my hand to wipe away a few lost tears. 

I walked down, tears coming faster. I felt my body being wrapped by Sam's arms. I sobbed into his dress shirt, and he into my hair. I felt more arms and bodies being wrapped around us. I somehow knew the entire group was huddled up and sobbing, and I somehow knew this will forever be the worst day of my life. 

I gasped in between sobs and somehow choked out a few words. "Goodbye, Jack." I whispered, knowing this would be the last time I would ever feel as connected.

guys i cried while writing this:( awh i miss jack... and just so you guys know each journal entry is seperated by a few months, cause i don't want the book to be super long. so yeah. i love you all so much and what if i told you guys i was thinking about a new fanfic? i probably won't post it though lol, maybe just like a blurb on tumblr (which you should be following me on! @summerchickxo) or something like that. let me know what you guys are feeling and shizzzzzz xoxo