Текстове

Случайно (I'll sleep when I' dead)

It's the same each and every night
Glare at my screen with two big bloodshot eyes

Cassaras wipes his tears away and texts Anthea.
Cassaras: Hey, Thea, check out this song: "I'll sleep when I'm dead".
He knows she's probably asleep in her oak bed. Cassaras puts out the knives, thrown at the wall by him last night. On his hands there are many marks from knives. Orion hadn't done them. Cassaras had. He had been doing them since 6th November, 6 weeks ago.

I'm stuck self-torturing

One of the knives is dancing on his hand. The blood is covering the metal. The half-lander cleans it in his own skin and throws it with the others on the wall. He puts а bandage on his hand. Thea thinks that her father does it to look cool. Lucky her.

My meds are failing me

He drinks his antidepressants and melatonin and turns on the TV. He sits on the sofa in front of the screen. On the TV is 'Love, Simon'. Cassaras decides to give it a chance. He looks at his clock. 10:30 pm. It's still early.

Internal clock in smithereens

The movie ends.
"Stupid movie and even stupider love!" He decides. It had been 5 minutes, he thinks. So, he watches another movie on another TV programme.

Can't fix this

The second movie ends. He doesn't like it either. It's been 15 minutes according to his mind. Cassaras watches the news.

I'm hopeless

They end and the prince looks again at his clock. 2:35 am.
"Schatfa!" He curses under his breath and turns off the TV.
The melatonin hadn't worked. He goes to the fridge and decides again not to have anything for dinner. Cassaras isn't able to eat much since Orion's betrayal.

My eyes are stapled open wide
As I lay down on my side
I am bouncing off these walls

He lays on the sofa but his eyes are opened wide. The prince has a problem with falling asleep but the melatonin doesn't help at all. He sighs and tries to fall asleep. In his mind he only sees Aquilius Orion. His husband. They are getting divorce.

Notice my hands begin to twitch
Unprovoked assaulting of my conscious wit

His long fingers grab the TV remote. He hadn't fallen asleep. The half-mermaid turns off the TV and sits up. He puts on some TV programmes about the sea. Cassaras had swam there when he was 63 years old. He misses the time before meeting Orion. It was better then than now. The only thing the half-lander isn't sorry about is Anthea. His adoptive daughter. Thea is his haru. Haru means sun in the language of the mermaids. Anthea is the only reason he is alive.

Me and the TV are enemies

His eyes look at everything on the TV show. Every seaweed, every tiny wave, every whale. He misses them all. He looks at the time again. 3:15 am.
"This TV is my enemy" He murmurs but continues to watch.
Cassaras really misses this place. He had promised to himself to go on a date there with his first boyfriend.

Sickening static surrounds my mind.

It never happened. When he and Neo were going to the date, Cassaras heard that his mother had disappeared. The date was ruined. So was their relationship. Everyone turned against the half-lander after his mother's death. He moved into Iceland with his birth name - Cassaras Lando. There he found a nice doctor and he fell in love.
"That was your biggest mistake, Cassaras Lando-Orion" he yelled at himself.

I'm losing time
And realizing that after days of thought that

Then he realizes. He should have gotten Anthea and run away with his daughter when he realized what Orion was really doing. And now he would be with his daughter. His two daughters. Anthea and Alea. He turns off the TV.
"Anthea and Alea Lando. Doesn't sound bad" he thinks. Then Cassaras remembers that never happened. He turns off the TV and goes into the bedroom. The prince lies on the bed.

As I focus on the clock
Time stands still, but I cannot

He looks at the clock - 4:26 am. The half lander turns on his left side. Then on his right. After a few minutes he lies on his stomach. Two minutes later the prince sits up.
"I should strap myself in bed," he murmurs. "I guess I'll sleep when I am dead"

Talk to myself

He looks at the clock again. It's 5:00 am. He lies again and tries to sleep. But it's just him, staring in the darkness. It's like he had drunk 10 cups of his black coffee.

Lie in the darkness so content

Cassaras doesn't notice to be tired. He still pretends that he'll fall asleep. But the prince knows he's an insomniac. He remembers when Neo, his first boyfriend, had been waking up in the night, Cassaras was listening quietly to music. The qunix knew the merman was insomniac so he never made him go to bed.
Orion wasn't able to stand Cassaras' insomnia and tried to give him melatonin. The melatonin never worked so Haruko's son was sitting in the bed and trying his best not to wake his partner.

As the sun begins to rise
I can barely shut my eyes

Cassaras sees the sun rising behind the clouds. He decides to go out if it's raining. Maybe he'll see the young Alea. Alea is just 7 years old. So is Anthea. He decides he will get up and sits up. The prince puts on the first clothes he sees: a black T-shirt with text: 'I'm a unicorn' and black ripped jeans. He tries to brush his black hair but it is a mess. Just like his life.

This crazed, delirious mess

Orion had touched his hair so much during the nights. When he stopped making his hair a mess, Aquilius started making his life a mess. First Cassaras found out about Jinx, then about the virus, the reason for Aquilius' fear of magic and Mura. Cassaras brushes his hair and it is less of a mess. Unlike his life. The prince goes to see if the postman had put anything in his mailbox.

Laughing at everything I see

There is one letter. It is from Iceland. He goes to the kitchen, pulls off one knife from the wall and opens it. A divorce letter. Cassaras stares at it for a minute or two then laughs. Orion wants all rights about Anthea. Aquilius is an idiot if he thinks that the prince, he'll give his daughter that easily. Thea is his everything. Cassaras won't give her up without a fight.

My sanity is spent
Just tell me where my time went
I'm losing it

He calls Orion.
"Doctor Aquilius Orion, PhD on the phone. Who is it?" he hears.
"Orion, it's Cassaras" the merman answers. "What is this letter?"
"A divorce one"
"What the fuck makes you think I'll give you my daughter?"
"You do not have a daughter. I do and you'll give it to me."
"Listen very carefully, Orion..."
The half roix ended the call.
"SCHATFA!" The prince screams angrily.
Someone knocked on the door and he went there.

Attention
All insomniacs, please raise your right hand
And kindly, repeat after me
"I guess I'll sleep when I am dead"

There was a guy.
"What do you want?" Cassaras asks.
"Cassaras Lando-Orion?" The man questions.
"Yes. Hurry the fuck up, you're not the most important thing of my day."
The man looks with his ice-blue eyes in the merman's grey ones.
"You'll forget about Thea." He charms the prince. "You'll forget about your marriage with Orion. You'll delete Thea's phone number. You'll sign the divorce letter and give it to me. You'll give me all your pictures with Orion and Thea."
Cassaras grabs his phone and deletes Thea's number, signs the letter and gives it to the oblivion with all of his photos of Orion and Thea. The oblivion walks away.
Cassaras gets out of the trans and finds himself at the door. He doesn't remember what he was doing but he probably was going to see Alea. The prince goes out of his apartment and locks the door.