Winner at a losing game

Chapter Four

Away From The Sun
She quietly answered "Hello, she softly said."
" Now, you answer ?! " Are you alone?"
"No. Lou's asleep we have a lot going on today."
" Why didn't you pick up the damned phone last night ?!"
" Lou and I were having a girls night the whole nine yards, dying our hair, doing our makeup, nails , trying out new hairstyles."
" You what ?!" His voice boomed. You know how much I hate when you change anything about yourself."
" I ... I just wanted to do something for myself for once."
"Me , me , me. You , yourself and I' " That's all you ever fucking talk about anymore."
" I'm sorry, I won't do it anymore. I'll change, " just please don't hurt her okay.' " Hurt me all you want but leave Lou and my family out of it."
" Fine, but you owe me." He said gruffly."
" Whatever you want, as long as you don't hurt anyone."
"Whatever , he huffed, just tell me you didn't dye your hair blonde, or red."
" Well.., I didn't dye it blonde.... I got a dark brown Auburn, but because different dyes act differently with different hair types it turned out red."
" How red ?"
"Dark red, more like a really pretty burgundy."
" You have got to be kidding me ?!"
" I'm sorry."
" Whatever, sweetheart you'll make it up to me I know just how." He chuckled wryly. That laugh... only a very disturbed person could have a laugh like that. Goosebumps formed on her arms. A lump formed In Ell's throat she knew exactly what he had planned.
" I gotta go." Lou's gonna wake up soon. We need to get ready fo the day.
" K. Text me, I want to know where and who your with at all times."
" I can try, I can't guarantee anything with the reception and all the things going on at the ranch."
" You know I really hate you working with older men."
"Why, they aren't creeps and they teach me so much about horses and life ?!"
" Because your mine, your my girl, therefore they shouldn't have the right to even look at you." Everything about you is mine. I own you. You're my property !"
" I gotta go , bye."
"Make sure you text me, or you'll regret it later Kay, bye."

"He told me he was real , he told me he was there and that he cared for me, then he told the the thing that imprisons you...Is your mind , and at that moment he vanished and I realised...I had created him . He was never there , he never cared , it was just me ...all me ." ~ Maranda Kuhl

Songs by 3 Doors Down, screech through her mind. She was sent railing by last night's events. "Why did he do this to her ?!" " Was she really so naive to think he would ever let her go?" " She wasn't the type of girl to let blind judgement get in the way, So why did she fall into his Venus fly trap this time?" Don't let her stupidity of irrational thinking get in the way of how you perceive her overall character. She's flawed just like every other human being alive. She's somber as she is sweet, fierce as she is headstrong. Iron willed as she is hard headed at times but above all she's gentle, however ; with all this being said she is not naive. She is worldly , open minded. Last night she showed an unusual type of strength, courage. Whether it be her friend's initial presence or just pure luck, She hadn't a clue. Something about his behavior last night was off, almost sloppy. "Did he want to get caught?"
"Was she being delusional, or was stress finally catching up to her ?"

You would think she learned her lesson by now, you strike a match it burns bright. You add gasoline to the fire you get third degree burns that leave a nasty scar. Scars dictate where we have been, they don't dictate where or how we handle them after that moment. Some hold scars have last year's others are fleeting. Scars of the footprints and fingerprints that scoured her body as if leaving a undefining mark. Something that would not wash off, no matter how many showers she took. The scars leave a reminder fresh as though they were left only yesterday. Ell can still feel his shadow looming over her, clear as day. Ell could still hear his voice, echo ever so silently in the stillness. However; It wouldn't defeat her, her build of character was too strong to be knocked down and taken away by being impressionable. She learned how not to be. How to avoid the wills of those around her that would try to bend her to theirs over the years to follow.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us , Are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I guess I just got lost
Being someone else.
I tried to kill the pain,
But nothing ever helped .
I left myself behind ,
Somewhere along the way
Hoping to come back around
To find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's OK.

Tell me please
Would you one time let me be myself
So I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself .

Would you let me be myself ?

I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else.
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this in this cell.
It's time to make my way
Into the world I knew.
And then take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's OK.

Tell me please
Would you one time let me be myself
So I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself .

For awhile ,
If you don't mind,
Let me be myself
So I can shine
With my own light .
Let me be myself.

That's all I've wanted from this world ,
Is to let me be me .

Tell me please
Would you one time let me be myself
So I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself .

Tell me please
Would you one time let me be myself
So I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself .

Tell me please
Would you one time let me be myself
So I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself .

Would you one time
Oh,let me be myself
And left me be me

So far, she found herself so alone , for the billionth time in the week, contemplating everything she had done or said. Last night was definitely all wrong , she was angry at herself. "How could she be so careless?!" Now Lou knew her secret. It was only matter of time before everything got out of hand and the truth saw the light of day. She was so used to shutting down her emotions and receding back into herself. She couldn't keep up the shallow act for long. She wasn't a shallow person, she cared deeply, too deeply. Ellen didn't have time let alone the energy to be worried. We all go about our lives struggling with different things from day to day. Some of us are braver than others the strength from that comes from the hardest of battles. Whether they be ... Physical , Mental , Emotional or matters of the heart maybe even family destruction thrown into the mix. We all as human beings are our own type of "broken." What matters is how you handle the broken parts of you. Go on living the life you are meant to live for yourself not just others.

" Learn to adjust yourself to the conditions you have to endure , but make a point of trying to alter or correct conditions so that they are most favorable to you." ~ William Fredrick Book

From a young age she learned to be headstrong, throughout it all. Truth is, we never quite fully know who we are, we can't. Simply because circumstances change us, shape us at moment in time to who we are the next. It's not right to assume, you will always be a certain way. Who you are now can change on a dime. To whom you were an hour ago. Perhaps; not your whole being perssay, but the mind holds many powers. Illusion played a massive role in her life at this time, although those around her wouldn't have known. Overcoming what she's been through is one of the hardest lessons she'll need to learn. That's a fear we all face at some point or another in our daily lives. It certainly ain't an easy one, but an important lesson nonetheless. Don't let her lack of bluntness, or telling it like it is fool you. She will do what she needs to accordingly, based on the situation she finds herself in. She's like a fine drink that only gets sweeter with time.

" There is no force equal to a woman determined to rise." ~W.E.B Dubois