I Can See Your True Colors

Chapter 15: First Crush

YUMIRAH

HINDI AKO mahilig sa mga gala. I would rather lock myself inside my room and sleep than go anywhere. But left with no choice, kailangan kong lumabas para bumili ng supplies sa bahay.

Makailang beses ko na itong ginawa, and the experience wasn't as exciting as lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling until my eyes closed. Si mama ang talagang tagabili, ngunit dahil hindi pa rin siya okay, nag-decide akong mag-volunteer. Yeah, I did. In exchanged for a small smile and "thank you".

Siguro'y hindi ito magiging kasing-sama ng pwede kong expect-in. Naisip ko ring tamang-tama ito para makapag-relax - if you may call it that way - ako after ng aming exam week. Halos ikamatay ko na ang pagkuha ng passing score, which was according to my best friend, seventy-five percent of the total number of items.

Salamat sa Diyos at nakaraos ako roon.

Naisipan kong yayain ang aking best friend, but he couldn’t come. Nagkataong binisita niya ang kanyang grandparents kasama ang kanyang mama. Niyaya pa nga niya ako, pero tumanggi ako’t sinabing meron akong pupuntahan.

Kahit wala akong sariling lakad, I would’ve still refused na sumama sa kanya. Why? Nahihiya ako, at bukod do’n, baka ma-OP (o out of place) ako dahil hindi ako parte ng pamilya nila. Well, ilang beses na akong nakapunta sa kanilang lugar, and they never made me feel na ibang tao ako. But still, I couldn’t. Iniisip ko pa lang ang pang-iintriga at pangma-match sa ‘min ng kanyang lolo’t lola, idagdag mo na rin si tita, hindi ko na kinakaya.

Habang bumibiyahe ako mag-isa, I couldn’t seem to help feeling a little lonely. Kapag may kaibigan kang matabil ang dila, time seems to fly fast. But without Rafe around, tila ang bagal marating ng bus ang destinasyon nito. If he was here with me, things would’ve been . . . different.

Parang bumalik ako sa mga panahong kakaiwan lang sa ‘kin ng aking girl best friend and I was all alone. Get up in the morning, prepare for school, go home, and sleep. Gano’n ang daily routine ko noon. Parang wala na akong time huminga, ngumiti at maging masaya. Para akong robot na kumikilos lang ngunit walang nararamdaman. I was only existing, not living.

And then suddenly . . . out of nowhere . . . he came around. And it was like magic. Para akong robot na muling naging tao. Parang si sleeping beauty na ginising sa mahimbing niyang tulog. Nabuhayan ako, nabigyan ng pag-asa.

Hindi ko man siya matawag na “knight in shining armor” ko – because he’s obviously been a princess in a sparkling dress – he was my savior. Until now. During my darkest times, he would always show up and give me those brightest smiles. His face, voice and presence were enough to make me feel okay again. I never told him these things kasi in-assume ko na alam na niya. And if I did, baka lumaki ang kanyang ulo.

If I were still the same girl who had no one but herself, hinayaan ko nang patayin ako ng kalungkutan sa aking dibdib. But things were different now. So instead of staring at nothing and being dramatic inside my head, I took in a deep breath ang thought to myslelf, “It’s okay, Yumirah. You’re just fine.”

I looked out the window and watched the green fields I passed by. Life is beautiful and wonderful. And it’s too short to fill our hearts with the worst feelings we can ever have.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng gutom, kaya dali-dali akong nagtungo sa street food na natagpuan ng mga mata ko. Bukod sa hindi ako mabo-bore kapag kasama si Rafe, siguradong ililibre niya ako. I shrugged the thought off dahil mas mangungulila ako sa kanya. Para namang ang tagal naming hindi magkikita. Most of the time, that gay is annoying and . . . infuriating, so I why I never got enough of him?