That Incident

THIRTEEN

❦

...𝘉𝘌 𝘞𝘐𝘛𝘏 𝘗𝘌𝘖𝘗𝘓𝘌.

2:30am. I have to go to school today but I just can't sleep. I thought tossing around finding the best sleeping positions. I had those nightmares again. This time it was so vivid and felt much more real.

The voices. I could hear them loud and clearly: Don't run. A bizarre feeling.

My pillow all soaked up with tears and perspiration. There was a power cut so I could barely see a thing in the room. It felt like something lurked in the dark. Something that fed on my fear.

The voices kept getting louder: You can't run. No one can save you! I needed to make it stop.

I plodded my way to the shower. I needed to make it stop. I turned on the faucet and let the water run over my body.

Tears ran down my cheeks. What had I done to deserve this? Why couldn't I be normal, have a normal life—live a normal life.

I never had normal childhood.

❦

I glanced at the hour glass standing near the mug of colorful pens on Mrs Ujam's desk. She must have got it recently because it wasn't there the last time I attended a therapy session. There were so many new things like a couple of new house plants in red enamel vases—I couldn't tell the plants because I've never been interested in botany or plants. A new red velvety sofa had replaced the other sofa which I preferred probably because of the colour: white.

"Would you like a cup of Ovaltine, Aubree?" Mrs Ujam asked with a warm smile as she scooped a generous amount from the tin to her mug that had a calligraphy of WORLD's BEST THERAPIST inscribed on it.

I shook my head with a faint smile.

"You know my kids love Ovaltine so much and so do I." She said stirring as she poured in water from the electric kettle.

"How was school today?" She asked as she plonked herself down on the leather arm chair making loud squeaky sounds.

"School's just there." I replied looking out the window and watching the clouded sky. The noise from the traffic outside never ending.

Lagos!

"Okayy. It's good to see you here again. At some point I thought you quit. It's been how many weeks now? Two, if I'm correct." She said taking a noisy sip.

"Two, I guess."

"So are you ready to talk about it? Or how are you getting on with whole journaling thing. The reflections..."

"The journaling is going pretty well. I'm able to keep my anxiety in control and prioritise my problem."

Really, Aubree?

"Do you still have flashbacks? Panic attacks?" She asked.

"Yes."

"How often do you get this flashbacks and panic attack?"

"I get them quite often."

"Aubree, the thing is if you want this to work between us. You'll have to tell me everything. You are making it hard for me—I've heard the story of the incident from your mother but not from your mouth which I need you to tell me so I could help you out. I really want to help you. You are such a beautiful young productive girl and it seems like this traumatic experience you are still living in is eating you up. There are other things too." She said taking a pause and a quick sip.

"Could you at least tell me anything. Anything at all even if it's how much you love a snack—chew my ear up with any of it. You have to break out of this shell, Aubree. You have to fight that incident and be that same confident Aubree."

What could I talk of? I thought.

"Anything pleaseee." She pleaded with her hands together.

"Okay. I'll talk about how that incident makes me feel. I feel highly disgusted with myself, I feel scared that some of those boys are actually in my school and I feel regret too."

"Regret? Why?"

"Regret cause I could have just stayed at home and decide not to go to that birthday party which turned out to be less than a normal birthday party. I always wanted to belong. I have always wanted to be the cool fun Aubree. I was teased a lot in primary school because of my parents. They would quarrel at the parking lot of my primary school when they came to pick me with parents and kids watching."

"Then in secondary school, I worked so hard on my studies and made sure I was the one of top students of my school simply because I wanted to...."

The intercom buzzed.

"One minute—I think it's my order. Just in time for lunch. Aubree, we could eat lunch together. Kebab meat and Jellof rice. I'm supposed to be on diet but I can not come and kill myself."

She really needed to be on diet. She looked like she would burst in nanosecond. She was pretty fat. The skinny jeans she wore under the A-line top, outlined the fat around her legs.

"No thanks." I said stealing a glance at the hour glass.

"Do you like it? You can take it if you want it." She asked when she noticed my eyes on the hour glass.

I shook my head with a smile.

"So my mother tells me you had friends over this weekend and your school is having an costume day this week..."

"It's just an assignment that requires teamwork whatever. I didn't invite anyone over. My best friend showed up with them without telling me." I hated trying to explain myself.

"The costume day? Your mum says there's a school party..."

"I don't want to go for any party. Am not sure I want to go for any party or be with people."