cigarettes ✔

( powder )

the sky was so grey it is almost as if the (cigarette) smoke was ruining the world just like it ruined us. the rain was so sharp it was cutting holes into my skin and burning me just like the (cigarettes) did. i do not know why i stood there savouring the feeling of my skin being shredded and my emotions being flown away by the wind, but i did. i stood outside of your filthy red door, holding a baking tray in one hand and a bag of white powder in the other.

why? why did it take you so long to answer the door? why did you let everything return to me at the same time and why didn't you hear me when i bent over and cried into my kneecap? when you opened the door . . . WHEN YOU OPENED THE FUCKING DOOR . . . we both had red eyes and red cheeks and a red heart bleeding all over our white powder. you didn't smile at me like i thought you would. i thought i would get to see you with your lively face and energetic smile and colourful clothes, but you stood there like death, with your hollowed face and your ghoulish smile and your black clothes with a scythe clutched in your hands.

so i had to do the smiling for both of us. "i brought you cakes."

you took one look at me and you burst into tears just as my heart burst wide open. and i dropped the tray. and i got onto my knees and . . . and . . . AND .  .  . and i held you to my chest as you screamed at me, telling me to let you go and telling me you hated me and telling me you were so, so fucking sorry for everything.

that evening, i wasn't the fairy. you were. i carried you to your bed and tucked you in like a little child again. so you reached under your bed and gave me your magic dust, and i reached into my pocket and gave you my magic wands as i sprinkled our white powder over the cupcakes.

but as soon as the sun came up, i had to fly back to neverland and the one thing i didn't realise is that you would take your magic dust and fly there yourself.