cigarettes ✔

epilogue ::

[ a letter left unopened in a cigarette packet ]

dear tinker,

i don't know if you'll find this or not, but i hope you do. okay, let's start with the first thing: this letter won't be poetic and believe me, i'll try to make it beautiful but to me, nothing will ever be as beautiful as you were. you have a way with words, which is why i fell in love with you in the first place. you could make a string of swear words sound like a symphony and a set of curses sound like an italian opera.

i remember when we first met, you were staring at me with those amazingly dark brown eyes, filled to the bursting point with emotion. you smiled at me as you plucked the cigarette from my lips and said: "those things will kill you, but then again, nothing can kill a dying person."

that's when i knew i was fucked. i was pulled into your web of misery and hurt and happiness and i didn't know what to do with all these new feelings you gave me. i didn't mean to take everything away from you, i didn't. you were getting so empty, and i was getting too full . . . so i left. i'm a coward and by god am i sorry. leaving you was like giving up oxygen and all the cigarettes in the world.

it was just like you said, nothing could kill a dying person and you were dying. but you needed these cigarettes because i was going to hurt you so, so bad and you needed something to stop you from going empty just like i had. i knew that i could help you but i was selfish. i was so fucking selfish and i regret it. i wanted to feel something, so i left you with nothing.

then you saw me, and i saw you. it was like everything was starting over again. you stared at me, and i stared at you. but when i looked into your eyes, i could only see myself reflected in them from all those years ago. we were both dying and we fucking knew it. it was like . . . it was like . . .

it was like . . . FUCK WHAT IT WAS LIKE. IT WAS YOU. EVERYTHING WAS YOU. I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND YOU USED TO LOVE ME, BUT NOW YOU RESENT ME AND DARLING I RESENT MYSELF. AND I FIND IT SAD BECAUSE YOU USED TO THINK THAT THE STARS IN THE SKY WERE SO BEAUTIFUL, BUT THEY WERE ALL DYING, JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.

if only we could've created a supernova together. we could've been two stars side by side in a constellation; dying together. we could've looked at each other and seen more than emotions, more than love. we could've seen us, without the hurt and the despair. but that's the problem with it all, isn't it tinker?

we could've.

peter.