𝓗𝓮𝓮 𝓟𝓸𝓿
January, 2020,
It's been a month. Since He came home as my Step- Brother. Every second when I think about it, my head dazes. I've been in love with Him for almost two Years. And He never knows it. So, I can play it cool.
But the problem here is...I am unable to.
The Heeseung He knows now is no more the Heeseung he used to be.
I always used to be free and myself while seeing Him from afar, and somehow it gave me a lot of energy. Seeing His cheerful smile was my daily medication. But now, He is here. Right beside me, living in the same house, cracking jokes every single second. He is so lively and beautiful, that now I can clearly see Him from nearby. But...Why am I not...not happy?
He is roaming around me with His joyful eyes and enchanting giggles, why am I not happy?
He is so alive, being next to me, trying His best to start a conversation but, why am I not happy?
"Enough with your jokes, Niki. It's time to go to school. Dad also has to go and get ready for his office." The Lad- Mother warns with her spatula while raising her eyebrows from the kitchen to let her kid stop chatting with His new Father.
"Oops! Okay, Mom... I'll be going then." Ki sang while letting His eyebrows dance as a reply. He is in His playful state, so lovely and energetic just like a carefree bird. But He just doesn't even bother to be serious when it comes to His studies.
He is still a kid, so I understand. But her mother is just worried about His kiddo personality. At their duo, I couldn't help but chuckle inanely.
After a couple of seconds, I came out of the house with my backpack, walking to the college, which is located near, the same way as Ki's School. In two months, He starts His 11th grade. Even if His ranks are so-so, I still approve of Him as a good attentive student. Because He never skips His school even once.
"Hey, Hyung!"
As I heard His voice, my head automatically turned back, towards Him. I saw Him smiling to His ears, while playfully keeping His hands on my shoulder. I shivered. I shivered at His cold touch. His cold fingers took their way to land on my neck lingeringly.
I bit my lower lip in nervousness.
"So... How are you these days?" He almost sounded unsure with His own words. From the last few weeks, He has been trying His best to get along well with me like how He did with Father. And of course, they have already created a bond that could last longer.
And I... I am trying my best to stay far from Him. Because I don't know how to control my feelings. It's like... my words are tightly in their place, zipping themself to open up. But my eyes, no they aren't.
I'm afraid that I could make Him feel uneasy with my fondness.
"A-are you uncomfortable?" Ki takes His hand off me and starts to scratch His nape in concern. Looks like He captured my anxiousness.
"No." I stated shortly while turning front and walking to my destination. Completely making it look like I'm 'Ignoring Him' and also it is which I obviously hated.
I have to stop doing this. Every single time He appears or tries to talk, I end up nodding or replying with No. Which is totally making me a person who doesn't like Him. He might think I hate Him or don't want Him as my Brother.
Huh! *Sighs*
Hence, I tried talking with my friends. They aren't actually friends but close enough to call them one. I said 'I like a boy who is younger than me and now He is my brother' Also, adding next to the sentence, 'What to do?' it took so much strength to ask.
Nonetheless, some took it as a joke and laughed. Some say that I was effortlessly funny, and I need to grow up by stopping with my dad's jokes. They just...don't know me or don't want to know me. Because, whatever I say, they not only don't care but comment & mock it.
That's why I kinda ignore them.
But Jake, he is not like that. He is really a good childhood friend. He actually listened and tried to say a few words, to console me?!
"I don't know what you really mean but...Try being a good older brother, then."
When he said it, I almost broke into tears. Some part of me wanted not to hear it. But some of me wanted it. Because, right now, I can't be delusional and fall into a dilemma.
Like, you know,
Just think of it as...
You had this fond feeling for a boy and your feelings start to grow as time passes but he never knows. You think everything is fine as long as you can see Him once a day. But after all, you somehow got to see Him nearly... And now He is no more a person you could share your deep affection like you want to do with your partner because He already became your Brother. A step- Brother.
What do you do, then?
Cry and wait for someone to show their sympathy for you? Maybe I want to. Maybe I need it. Crying is just a word when you are wailing.
Even if my Father had told me about His name before the marriage, I'm not that some Son who would stop or deny his Father's Marriage. And for what? Just because my love is going to be my stepbrother, I can't say no to my dad's love and his love for Ki's Mother.
I just need some time. Not to heal. But to cover and hide these non-grown scars. Because they aren't any wounds to me. They are memories. After knowing they are never going to last anymore, now they have become my memories which take a bit of time to heal.
The carnations that I've planted a Year ago beside my Thousand Stars-filled Jar were now withered. They were withered even before they bloomed.
Niki needs love. A Love from me as His Elder Step- Brother. Not from me, Heeseung, who love-loved him for quite a bit.
The time, when I spent creating those origami, Thousands of stars to give on His birthday... has still remained on my study table. Yet, the memory of creating those is a reminiscing.
Out of those knitted Thousand Stars which are filled with enhancing Dreams and Thoughts, Childish Words and Jokes, Love and Desire. There are only Two Stars which are filled with Our names each.
I want to belong with You. Not in a sibling way but...
Let the drift bottle sail...in the water or the air, I don't care.
Hope, You'll be loved and protected by all, Ki.

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𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓣𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓝𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓑𝓵𝓸𝓸𝓶𝓼 [𝓗𝓮𝓮𝓴𝓲] ✔️
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