This is going to be random texts about my thoughts and things I wonder about. And some of my traumas.
The divorce
Three years ago from now my parents divorced. It was a relief for me to not live with my dad anymore as he was someone I didn't want to have a lot of contact with anymore. He had given me and all my previous siblings a lot of insecurities and trauma.
When I started playing cello at the age of five he forced me to practice until I played everything perfect. If I did not I for example wasn't allowed to leave the room,go to the toilet,eat dinner when it was served or anything else. I was only allowed to sit in the chair in my room and stare at the sheet music which I barley even understood. Sometimes I would sit there for hours crying while he was yelling at me that I wasn't good enough and that my older siblings were so much better than me. He told me I was useless.
These things scarred me and I will never forget it.
He would always complain that something I did wasn't good enough or when I did something I did it wrong and he could've done it so much better than I did. Comparing himself to a child.
I was a very picky eater as a child and there were a lot of things I really didn't like. But the same as practice I wasn't allowed to leave the table unless I had eaten every single piece on my plate. There were a few times where my mom was able to convince my dad to let me go to the toilet. There I would spit out all the food I absolutely wouldnt eat in the toilet or wrap it jn toilet paper and throw it away jn the trashcan. I would also sneak away and throw up the food sometimes. You may think I'm overreacting but I just couldn't handle the taste of some things.
These are just a few things he did, he has done a lot of other things to my older sibling.
One example is when my older sister was a teen and didnt feel well at all. She would stand and scream of how she wanted to die and didn't feel well. My dad shouted back at her that she should die so she doesn't disturb us anymore. My older siblings mostly don't talk to him at all anymore. Some of them still do but it's mostly for me and my younger sister who still needs to be with him as my you get sister isn't old enough to say no to being with him. My only reason still being with him at times is to protect my sister. If I would not be with her I have no idea of what could happen to her. My dad has no sense of how to take responsibility. Yet he still complains of how my siblings never talk to him or that we never show him any gratitude.
Its already been three years since he and my mom divorced but now he goes around talking shit about my mom and my siblings to my relatives and his friends whenever he meets them.
I don't feel ok sitting in a room with my dad and my cousin's talking shit about my mom infront of me. My cousin and her husband told me to not take any sides but how could I. That fucking idiot is sitting there telling lies about my family and saying me and my sister were unwanted kids that my mom had annoyed him to get.
That week I felt like absolute shit. I just wanted to disappear and never ever see him again. I had to be with him that whole week with my younger sister. We mostly went around to different relatives and to his friends. He was talking shit about them to everyone we met that week.
In the end he's just a stupid fat narcissistic old man. Sometimes I have actually hoped he got In an accident and died.
I don't want to have any contact at all with him in the future. The only reason I'm still with him is for my younger sisters sake.
He has no sense of judging people which means he has friends that give me serious creeps. Some has given me the feeling that they might be a pedophile. I always have to be on guard when I'm with dad, theres not a single moment when I can be relaxed whenjm with him.
The week when my dad went around talking shit about my family to my other relatives we went to a cousin meet up, that meet up was at that one cousin that I really don't like. His younger sister that is 20 smt old now had told my older sister when she was younger of how he had sexually assaulted her. She didn't want my sister to say it to anyone but my sister felt the need to tell our parents so they knew to protect us younger siblings. After a while he had also started sending weird texts to my older sister saying very weird things.
I don't feel comfortable with him around. Last year on a different cousin meet up at a cousin I actually feel ok with he tried to start conversations with me multiple times and actually following me around. Every time my sister or my sisters boyfriend went to me and stopped him from coming closer to me In a discreet way.
I don't know what to think of my cousin's anymore. I don't know who I can trust and who I can't.
My dad has also recently started talking about how he relates to my mom's dad. He left my mom and my grandma when my mom was less than one year old. He cheated on my grandma. They divorced and he got a new wife and kids. My mom met him once every second weekend (the same as me and my younger sister meets our dad). My mom tried to hold contact with her dad sending pictures of me and my siblings where we were born but he didn't want any contact at all with us. I don't even know what he looks like and I've never met him before.
My dad changes the story making it like her dad was the victim and the she didn't make any effort to be with him.
My dad always makes himself the victim. He goes around saying that he always has to do everything and everyone is throwing their shit at him.
That's not true.
