••●••
Rira was enough.
Rira was enough.
Her reflection was frail through the frosted looking glass. That was the only time in sennights Yeji thought of getting up out of her bed, despite feeling the wrath of her sorrow first thing in the morning.
She took a sip of her wine before grabbing her comb. Rira never left her thoughts since then. She wasn't angry with the gods, really, after giving her a dead monster to cradle in her arms until she gets lost into madness.
Lord Heeseung came to their chamber, finding Yeji, combing her tangled hair.
"I am certain your brother will win this war. There are more armies training in the yard than before. We have the number and the brawn." He said, earning no reply. He gently took the comb from his wife and brushed her hair himself. It was the second time he has done so, right before the first time they shared the chamber as the wedded. Yeji took another sip of the wine.
The princess resented him so much she didn't have the strength to hit him anymore. She had done it many times that nothing was left, except the crippling hate that paralyzed her. She wondered if Heeseung knew. Perhaps he never will.
"You have your army now, Yeji." Heeseung said, gazing at his wife's reflection. "The choice is yours whether or not you want to take command and allow me to fight for my wife."
Yeji's face was still blank as she finished the drink. She stood, lost for words, heading to the bedside table to refill her goblet. She opened the window and stood, looking at the distance.
Heeseung, knowing he didn't have the grace to follow her, sat on her chair, tapping his fingers on its rest. "I no longer have any right to tell you I will fix this." He said. "I shouldn't have ruined everything in the first place."
The princess could almost burst out of laughter. His words couldn't make sense. She was once in the battle of wanting him to be close, but now, she would even start believing in heaven again if he leaves the room.
"I always thought father was right in marrying you off with a small lord like me. I thought I could reverse everything; I always thought there's so much time for you to learn to love me, as there is for me with you. It was hard for you, Yeji. I knew you never wanted to marry. It was such a mistake. Learning to live with the terrors of an arranged marriage is an illusion. We can't stop our war even now."
"Rira was all I had." Finally, after the long, killing silence, Yeji spoke. It was a lump in her throat at first. She was afraid; afraid that she might choke in her own words. The miscarriage made her think that. She was afraid she might never say the right words again, but there she was.
"I never thought I could still carry such a pure creature. I always thought, gods, if I can never be good again, perhaps I could conceive someone who's nothing like me. Someone who would exist and magically efface all the guilt I felt with all the worst things I did. I thought of that, Heeseung."
He squirmed on his seat, looking away.
"Rira was the sweetest, most innocent love I never had with anyone of you. I always thought she could save me. I always thought she could save us, my dear husband."
She turned to face him once again.
"And I always thought she might be the best thing I ever did my whole life. That I could love her just right. That I can still rid her from everything I've been through. If I can't be a wife to you, then perhaps I can be a good mother for my girl. I can still remember the hurt when she was almost there. Not that it matters, of course. All I wanted was to see her at that moment. Our daughter... I remember having that poor, dead thing in my arms. I remember praying so hard, 'please, not yet, Dear Mother. Don't take Rira away from me. She's enough. Please, she is the love I never had with Heeseung. Please, wake her up.' I then remember Dear Mother turning her back on me."
"Yeji..."
"My sweet, little girl." She repeated. "Perhaps this is the price I pay... For laying my hands on your whores. Perhaps this is the Mother's wrath for tormenting you day by day with this marriage."
Her husband stood, reaching for her. But her voice seemed empty yet full of scorn. She released her glass, placing it on the table.
"I remember loving you, Heeseung. I thought you did the same. I was a fucking fool."
Before Yeji could leave, Hee grabbed her hand, holding it closer to his chest. "Forgive me for all that I've done."
She brushed him off, then went on with a detestable grin.
"Oh, little beast. My heart no longer aches for you."
