"Bea." Kron opens the door. I'm sitting with my feet propped up and a bowl of ice water in front of my chair. I look at him helplessly and he sits on the floor in front of me and promptly bursts into tears.
"Hey, hey. It's ok. You're ok." I sit beside him on the floor. Sometimes I forget he's younger than me because he's always bossing me around. Sometimes I've got to take care of him.
"I- It's just... I don't know. I c-can't be p-perfect all the time. And when I'm n-not... well the coals... And I... Well, you know... I, um... I do c-care about you-a lot- Because you're my s-sister... A-a-and I don't like it when y-you g-get hurrrtt." He sobs into my shoulder.
"You don't need to worry about me." I declare. "I should be worrying about you. You're my little brother and I love you, and I'd rather have the coals than you." Kron lifts his head.
"You should run away." He says, blinking the tears away from his eyes.
"What?!"
"You should run away and go to umhlaba."
"Wha... H-how do you know about that place?"
"Dad told us about it." He pushes himself onto his knees. Then he looks around and whispers: "And I read about it in your book." I climb back up to my chair and nestle the back of my head into the pillow.
"How long-?"
"Since you got it."
"Why didn't you tell anyone?"
"You seemed happier after you got that book." My mouth curls into a smile. This is the first time I've smiled today.
"So, I should... just run away?"
"Yes."
I stare at him blankly. He's serious. "Are you fucking insane?"
"You're not happy."
"What? Yes, I- "
"You're not. And don't bother lying to me." He's right. I'm not happy. And with the path I'm set to go on, I'll probably never be happy. I don't belong in umhlaba. It's not even real.
"You're right, Kron." I stand up. Then promptly sit back down again. My feet still hurt. "But what about you?"
"I'll be ok."
"No, you won't."
"But I- "
"You won't. And don't bother lying to me." He smiles in a bittersweet way.
I curl my lip. I can't lie. "I'll come back for you. In a few years. And I'll bring a small army. Mama and papa too."
"Thank you. You don't have to do that."
"Yes, I do. You're my little brother." I dump my feet in the ice water. "You just gotta wait for me, ok?"
"I will." He stands up and leaves, closing the door behind him.
My smile fades.
I'm not running away. I can't leave him. I can leave mom and dad. It would be hard, but I could do it. Plus, they probably wouldn't miss me. Their bad kid, their underachiever.
But I couldn't leave Kron. Not ever. I know it will make him sad when he realises I'm not going to run away. He just wants to make me happy, but I have to make him happy first. He'll be relieved. Maybe he's right though. It might be better if I ran away. But I don't even know what I am running away to, and if it even exists. I think he still has an imagination, he better keep that. I hold onto mine like gold dust; it slowly seeps through my fingers but it's too valuable to give up on.
I don't have the heart to disagree with him. To his face. Not genuinely. I disagree with him all the time about small things, and he acts like a little brother. He's not always sweet like this. That's another way baba helps us with his punishments. It brings us closer together because bad situations bring the best out in everyone.
The problem with me is that I like to rebel. I like to be in trouble. I don't want to like it, but you can never change how you feel. I discovered that the hard way. That's why my feet are so burnt. I have a simple job: to try and to care. I don't do either of those things. It seems that the universe won't let me feel the emotions I want to feel.
Dhalia would say that I fit in somewhere, because everyone fits in somewhere. I haven't thought about Dhalia in a long time. She makes me happy, and I am not happy. Kron said that. He's right. He's not right about a lot of things but he's right.
My feet have stopped stinging now. I step out of the ice- water and feel the ground beneath me. Wood. No burning. Just wood. I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Itsokay." I whisper, falling onto my bed.
>>
I'm sorry you had to do it
YOU ARE READING
Beneath
AdventureBeatrix is stuck in a world she doesn't want to be in. Abusive parents, boring repetitive day-to-day life, and feeling completely alone is finally getting to her. The only thing keeping her afloat is a book she found in an abandoned library long ago...
