Beneath

Part 1- Chapter 2- Abyss

I skip lunch and supper. No one calls twice. No one notices. No one asks about me. I feel strangely serene, as if floating in a dark abyss I'm not trying to escape. I don't want to move, I don't want to eat, or sleep, or do anything except sit here and watch the ceiling. I don't even think that much. Isn't that strange? Me, not thinking? Doing nothing? Bizarre. Everything seems alien, nothing is familiar. Even my own body, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin; a tight set of clothes. A strangling corset-torso, a claustrophobic tie- neck, and a mermaid-tail skirt holding my legs together. I imagine I am ripping my clothes apart, and my mama watching, unable to do anything.

The whole time I mumble to myself; words of a song I don't quite remember but I make my own as I go along. I close my eyes and fall further into the abyss. In a strange way feeling this variant of sadness makes me feel happy. I am content to be alone and left to my own devices.

It's okay

You're okay

And you'll be alright someday

It'll be better

When the suns a setter

And I know you'll be ok!

Hmm, hmm, hmm...

It's a stupid song, but I know I'll have it forever. I don't know where it came from. Maybe my mama or my gogo, who died when I was 4. Maybe someone else. Maybe I just made it up. Whatever it is, it calms me, and I've known it forever and something told me to keep it to myself, And I've never told anyone about it. I trust my gut and my heart more than my head. I'm not good at logic and general knowledge so I go on intuition, and I have my whole life. I wonder what tomorrow will be like. Will it be better than today? Will it be worse? Does it matter? No. Not right now. And now seemed to exist forever. It doesn't matter what happens after this moment. It doesn't matter what happened before. I am here and I exist for a reason. I don't know what that reason is yet, but I'm only fourteen. I'll figure it out. I'll figure it all out. Or maybe I won't. But it's okay. 

>>

you will.

eventually.