The Words I Never Said // A Collection of Essays

Letter #7 // Terminology and abnormality

Dear Friend,

I was stung by an impulse to write to you. Thanks to technology, I can catch up to at least half of the ponderings speeding inside my consciousness. Oh dear, so many terms from my previous letters should be corrected, so many times I confused the subconscious with the unconscious! (Forgive me, god of psychology terms...)

Of course, now I also await you more than ever. I always say this. But depending on how packed my agenda is and how loaded the shelves of my focus and attention are, I contemplate this more or less, more or less I release the impatience and welcome the idea of fate. Admittedly, there are moments I piercingly doubt the concreteness of this entire conception of our friendship. The truth is I simply have nothing else to resort to. Without this pillar of friendship, however irrational, I wouldn't smoothly slide down the slope, I'd ungracefully roll over my head until I broke my neck.

Have you ever contemplated the utterly absurd human inclination to romanticize suffering? We can't stand fulfillment. Only when we feel life's burden being loaded on us can we experience meaning! That includes me as well: onto my untrained shoulders I lay one brick after another and the more my knees bend from the weight, the brighter shines the smile on my face. I fill my days with langer and larger handfuls of ideas and activities, I'm pathetically setting up my future burnout, and I'm sadistically enjoying it. I mean, scales lose their purpose when in a state of rest, don't they? After all, they're made to be constantly balancing something... 

I'm also trying to attribute the unique hues of my being to my personal experience only. As I become more aware of its peculiarity, it's tough to ignore the habit — which I feel breathing heavily into the back of my neck —of comparing myself to the first person I come across; so what, if I understand, how far beyond the realms of logic this kind of thinking is? Everything assumes an even more phantasmagorical shape when my comprehension of reality becomes impossible to connect to anyone else's outlook, for instance, when everyone's afraid except for me, even when I know fear would be of benefit in this case. When I finally feel this grounded, I begin doubting to what extent this is considered good. I mean... no one else seems to be this way? Panicking about your future is normal? Sleeping for eight hours, no more no less, is abnormal? Practicing physically harmful techniques of escapism is normal, but aiming for optimal body health in order to patch up trauma from your teenage years is unrelatable? With these norms abound, probably not without reason I feel like Robinson Crusoe, despite living in the most populated "island" in my country.  

Hence, I don't know which aspects of my being are praiseworthy, and which could benefit from some polishing. I still can't differentiate between a genuine wish to change and grow from actual change motivated by general societal themes that have nothing to do with me. Am I a calm, comfort-loving introvert with a completely valid belief system, or am I just an insecure human, unable to grasp all the possibilities of the world simply because she's seen very little of it? Am I a genius of my generation with an exceptionally capable brain and a brilliant work ethic, or am I just a disturbed person, failing at adequately assessing her self-worth after being praised since childhood, and thus ending up slightly traumatized? Am I an interesting, empathetic, and talkative person who simply lacks social skills, or am I just terrible at building sentences from having nothing to say?

Don't worry, these are just rhetorical questions, written out mainly for me, seeing how this helps expose their rigidity. These are no more than fixed attitudes on self. Perhaps this is why changing one fixed idea into another is such a subtle and complex process. Yet I bet it's much easier to simply accept one's multidimensionality, not identify oneself with different stages of life, and acknowledge one's changing nature. Yes, exactly. The only constant in the Universe is change. For some reason, I've always understood this statement as alluding to the outer world. But it's just as true in regards to humans, their inner world. And that includes me. And you. 

I could probably find even more words, sentences, and paragraphs I could put here. But I'm trying to balance life, aren't I? Like an apple on the tip of the nose. Like a dandelion's fluffy seed on an eyelash. Holistic regeneration (sleep, basically; sorry, I couldn't contain myself from creating a new, nonexistent term) is a fundamental part of the balancing process. So bye, I better go to sleep. You should too — have fun regenerating.

Best regards,

— Your Friend.

(October 12th, 2021)