The Words I Never Said // A Collection of Essays

Letter #19 // Fateful encounters and unfavorable circumstances

Dear Friend(s),

Never before was addressing you so natural, so organic, never before did it make so much sense. Never before have I felt you so clearly; I feel you leaving the flat computer screen, the blackest of words in italics from the whitest of pages, materializing into a real, tangible person whose being is traced by my sixth and all other higher senses. Nevertheless, I assume your image will soon descend to my lower senses as well.

Firstly, I'd like to explain the context necessary to understand this letter. Here I'll mention various terms connected to New Age spirituality, phrases that rotate in the most faraway orbits from the star of empirical science. For the longest time, I've tried shaking off those ideas for they opposed science, aka what I saw as my god and the highest authority. I wore the mask of an absolute rationalist as if that constant pull toward all that occult crap was a trifle, a side effect, a small error that didn't mean anything. Lately, I've been more easily acceptant of the idea that even if I'm a preacher of science, I'm allowed to admit that in some regard the firm explanations of the Universe it provides don't satisfy me. More courageously I've been juggling the idea that if the world and life are inextricable from my subjective understanding, if they depend on my chosen worldview, there's nothing preventing me from construing the reality I want. The way I choose to see things becomes my truth. Thus I more freely let myself dive into that controversial spirituality stuff, carrying no guilt with me. This is where it's important to point out that in this letter you'll be presented with that particular reality of mine that I accept, conceive, and perceive. It is not all scientifically valid, but that being said, not any less accurate.

Dear Friend, this letter is about you. Spinning around in my room on the first evening of this year's autumn, following the beat of drums and soul-healing mantras, I felt an itch to write of those like you. Because it seems I finally, FINALLY have learned to recognize you guys. And suddenly, after years and years of silence and darkness, you began rushing into my life one after the other. This is easily explained: when I finally let myself be me, I started attracting those who are like me despite that there are very, very few of us. We're a small soul family. So small, so tiny that there's no wonder I spent so much time in that excruciating isolation. Most of us, I assume, currently reside in other plains, and only a tiny handful of us wander around here, so terribly lonely. And truly, we're so scattered that, seriously, it's unfathomable how incredibly precisely our life circumstances had to add up for our paths to cross, and yet they did. The more I think about it, the dizzier I get. There's no wonder anymore why this took so long: to manifest such a specific and detailed chain of events for several people requires incredible powers of the Universe, ones I've been collecting for a while. But now that I have enough proof to maintain a firm faith, the energy of union flows a hundred times more abundantly. 

Usually, I recognize you very intuitively, in fact, by mere intuition, which is why it's so unspeakably difficult to find accurate words to describe everything. Yet this experience incredibly differs from an ordinary infatuation with someone; this feeling I speak of is permeated by peace, a quiet bliss, no sudden realization hits you in the face nor knocks you off your feet. In the beginning, this feeling is subtle as if a gentle puff of wind was stroking your cheek, whispering sweet nothings into your ear as it glid past you. I wouldn't even call this primary state an attraction, it's more like an extremely deep, steady, and inarguable inner knowing that seemingly has always been there but was kept somewhere in the unconscious. Little by little, this wish to get to know you, this curiosity to figure out more stirs inside me and then explodes, expanding all the way through my being, reaching its farthest corners. And yet as our conversation starts, as thoughts free themselves and reform into words, I'm never surprised; the things I hear, the things I perceive for the first time evoke the thought that it all just makes sense; well, of course, this person said this and not that, surely, I could've easily foreseen this. Even as I burn with desire to get to know you, I can't get rid of this bizarre feeling that, actually, I already DID know you thoroughly before you even opened your lips. But the craziest part is that during these few experiences, this feeling arose for both sides equally — it was mutual; you let me know that quite clearly and I can only hope I had also shown you this plainly enough, since putting into words this supernatural, mysterious, and almost uncanny intimacy I felt and still feel with you seemed, in a way, inappropriate even, hence I didn't dare.