The Words I Never Said // A Collection of Essays

Letter #14 // A declaration to the Universe

Dear Friend,

I don't know whether it's being stricken by new exhilarating challenges, staying covered in smoke after a weekend's tension, or just glitching from long periods of loneliness, but I find myself in isolation. When you don't know the things you could or should have, you never miss them. I too never thought my life lacked something significant until I watched a TV show heavily focused on family, friendship, and love. Well, yes, the romantic sphere has been clearly empty for the entirety of time, yet I continued living for the hope of it all and it was enough. Reflecting on the other two aspects of my life ended up being slightly more painful.

I'm almost sure that if an imposter appeared in my place, even if she was absolutely unlike me, my family would love her just the same as they love me now. Because such love does not depend on the person's identity or soul, the existence of a physical body is enough. And with all due respect to those people — I know they are simply trying to be their best version every day with the resources they have — I must say their love is the reason I grew up enclosed in a glass box. I've always cherished their practical advice, their support, and sometimes even the way they materially spoiled me, and yet the little delicate plant in my heart never thrived or grew further: it just went into peaceful hibernation. I wouldn't say it died — I wouldn't really be me to not take hopes of some great beautiful things that haven't happened yet to my grave. My soul grew up alone, in the tiny world it created for itself. I feel somewhat guilty for not remembering anything specific that could serve as something to blame my life's authorities for; perhaps it's a result of repression or perhaps this is simply me being unable to recall something that never occurred. Thus, there must've been not many things to remember at all. Actually, no, there were things to remember, just not the right ones. I feel like a polluted ocean in which the pollutants don't drown, a viscous layer begins forming on the surface, and everything below begins to wither. My body and mind were taken care of while my heart muscles atrophied or, rather, never fully formed in the first place. And thus with genuine gratitude for what was given to me, I must say goodbye and try somehow to endow myself with what has been missing. Thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure I got the hardest task. Finding a job and granting myself financial stability would be much easier if that were where the lack resided, but "healing" insecure, avoidant attachment patterns, providing myself with deep, soulful love? Oh dear.

I wonder how many people there are in this world who are like me, who don't have a best friend. Oh how many books I've read and films I've watched where two kids meet in a random sandbox and hold that connection until the day one of them dies! Fine, if not in a sandbox then at school at least, if not in primary school, then in high school for sure. Okay, okay, at university or college at the latest, but in this case they're usually not the first best friends to each other. I'm not alone, I have friends, although not a lot. Quality over quantity is, I believe, a fairly rational and useful stance here. However, what should you do when there's neither quality nor quantity and everyone around you seems "taken" as friends? What should you do when no matter how many people you know and how well you know them, you'll never be the number one, the most important, the most favorite person to anyone? I've read somewhere that one shouldn't expect to find a single person who would satisfy all of their social needs at once, but why shouldn't I expect that, why shouldn't I dream big? Am I really only supposed to keep swimming on the surface just to cover as wide of an area as possible? That's what I've been trying to do, yet in the end all I feel is pretty damn lonely. Why can't I just dive deep down at one spot? I think having that one spot would be enough just like Anne and Dianne were enough for each other.

I simply wish someone would at least once intentionally choose me as their first choice, and not because of my role, my label, or anything else I could provide them with, but for ME, all because I am the way I am. I dream of being a person someone would run to deliver their best and worst news to first, tell their secrets and biggest dreams to first, and want to spend their free time with first. It seems I'd love to have two people for this role (hopefully, I'm not being too demanding), one being a totally platonic friend and the other being you, of course, my dear Friend. But I already know you're on your way and I'll meet you very soon whereas it's my first time ever clearly defining the other person I wish to meet.

I'm not very proud of this artistically worthless letter (could it be that dopamine, which I finally ran out of and without which I finally descended into peace, is the leading force of my creativity?! Although this is not as surprising considering my subtle symptoms of manic episodes). I'm not sure what this is: general complaints and grumbles about my life or a declaration of demands dedicated to the Universe. Probably both. I wanted to make some excuses about doing everything I could, but then I remembered the main lesson for 2023 that I saw in the tarot cards: "Stop working or putting in effort like mad. Learn to pause, take a deep breath, and just let the desired thing come to you itself." Here we're talking about an absolute contradiction to my worldview and the strategy I had been employing. The empress and the magician reversed. Feminine energy that attracts, waits, takes but doesn't chase. The yin-yang balance must be restored since I've been drowning in the whiteness. Would letting go mean I could dive deep into the black part of the symbol?

Well, don't worry too much about any of this. While I'm here digging in my own shit, keep doing what you were doing. Just keep moving forward. Our encounter is approaching. I'll try to maintain my faith and wait. 

Yes. May this be a declaration to the Universe. That's it. I'll do nothing more. I'll just declare.

With hope,

— Your Friend.

(February 6th, 2023)