The feelings are starting to come back, crawling back all over again. In the mornings I lay in bed thinking, i want to fell back to sleep. In the nights I stay awake till the sun starts to shine again. I started to feel again that all I wanna do is either sleep at daytime, stay awake during night time. Because I hate facing people, not in that way I would hate to be around the people that makes me feel safe, no. In school I feel I am around the friends that made me wake up every morning and go to sleep early to wake up early again. I just.. don't know. I do not want to feel that again. Because I know that after those feelings I am going to feel full when I haven't eat for hours, and still doesn't feel that I want to eat. Eating becomes a thought that doesn't have to be done.
"Now I need something in my stomach 'cause I haven't ate
Maybe I'll grab a plate of nachos and I'll have a steak
And you'd think that with all I have at stake" -Eminem 'Déjá vu'
Sitting in the bathroom floor while someone is knocking the door, yelling; "get the fuck out of there, you have been there for hours. What you are doing in there, i have to pee!". That is why I bought airpods, to shut the things around me. I have become that person again. That shut's everyone else out, because it is easier than telling everyone I don't wanna feel a thing. When I've told my mother about it sometimes she said; "You don't actually are feeling like that. You just spending too much time on your damn phone!"
"Sometimes I feel so alone, I just don't know
Feels like I been down this road before
So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me
As soon as I go home and close the door
Kinda feels like déjà vu
I wanna get away from this place, I do
But I can't and I won't, say I try, but I know that's a lie
'Cause I don't and why, I just don't know" -Eminem 'Déjá vu'
And I become just feel like too damn alone. I don't even know when was the last time i got hug from my mom. I feel like we aren't that close anymore that we used to be. That is what is to feel like the oldest sibling in the family. Nobody isn't there for you anymore. They are there but at the same time they are not.
