Lords of Mayhem #1: Lachlan and Elowyn

Chapter 8 (Elowyn): Handle It

***TW for child abuse reference***

Lachlan looked at me when I asked him why he couldn't be faithful as if I'd asked him to explain the meaning of life or solve some incredibly difficult math problem. He shot to his feet and filled my little dining room space with his sheer bulk.

"Wyn, I want to just say because I'm a stupid dick and let it go at that. You don't know how bad I want that. Just forget the past shit and figure out being together again."

He looked at me with serious eyes, and I looked right back at him, not willing to give him a pass. Of course, that meant I wouldn't get a pass, either, if he pushed, if we began sharing our histories.

"But I know I owe you more than that. We've been together for six years, officially together five, and we've never fuckin' talked about our pasts. I've been good with that since I'm not really the type to talk about shit and you aren't really either."

That was the actual truth. Why revisit the past? Unless it was to stop letting it control your present and future.

"Lach, we don't need to talk about it since we're done --"

"No!" Lach's normally deep voice was almost shrill, as if he was panicking. "I can't stand here and listen to you say that. I don't want to be done. Wyn, you know I love you --"

"No, I don't, Lachlan. I don't believe that you love me, and maybe you never did. We worked for a while, but you're not enough for me anymore. What you're offering isn't enough anymore. I want all of someone, not someone who shares himself. When we first got together, I thought I could handle you cheating on me, but from that first time you spent the night at the clubhouse, it hurt. It hurt me knowing you were with other women and I wasn't enough for you."

He came right over to my chair and hunkered down next to me, clutching my hand in his. 

"No, Elowyn. No. You were always enough for me. You have it backward -- I wasn't enough for you, and I knew you'd leave me one day. But you were always enough for me. You're everything I ever wanted in a woman."

"Lach, I spent every day of the last four years just waiting for you to tell me to go. That's why I got the job and hid it from you. I was afraid if you knew I was working, you'd tell me to go sooner. So I saved all my money to give me a fresh start, a cushion, for when you didn't want me any more. And it was coming. You know it was. Every year you spent more nights at the clubhouse than the year before."

"Because I felt like I was losing you, Wyn. I felt it." I'd never heard Lachlan sound like this. He was always sure and confident and his voice was never shaky. "I knew it deep down, and the nights at the clubhouse made me feel in control for a bit. I had no control over you, I couldn't force you to stay with me if you really didn't want to, but I needed to feel some control."

"You were practically pushing me out the door, Lach! The other women, Yomi. I saw the way you looked at her when we were at the clubhouse for parties. All the hot looks whenever she came into the room, the way your eyes tracked her every move. I'm not blind."

"What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't look at her like that! That bitch meant less than nothing to me. I wasn't attracted to her at all."

"For a year you were with just her and you never felt attracted to her? So how'd you manage to have sex with her then if you weren't attracted to her?"

"Already told you how it was with her and the others before her. I gave 'em my rules and they did what I asked. It was just about having control, not about being with them. That's what I got off on. If I was giving looks to Yomi, it was because I didn't want that bitch coming anywhere near you, and I was warning her off, to keep away from you. And I tracked her movements to make sure she wasn't working her way over to you and maintained her distance. But I can guarantee I never once looked at her with heat."