Lords of Mayhem #1: Lachlan and Elowyn

Chapter 19 (Elowyn): Hold On

*** TW for graphic discussion of domestic violence and child abuse ***

Roberta had met with me twice in the last week, and each conversation with her had left me feeling raw. 

Exposed.

Unburdened. 

Lighter, amazingly, as if I'd just shrugged out of a three hundred pound backpack I'd been carrying for my entire life. 

Before we'd met the first time, Roberta had said we'd just talk and it wouldn't be anything official or clinical or scary.

"I'm a retired therapist," she'd said. "Happily retired. But I've felt so strongly for a while that you needed someone to talk with, Elowyn. I'm good at listening, and I might have some insights, some suggestions that may help you. But mostly, I'll just listen. Sometimes, simply telling your story helps enormously. It's a good first step forward, away from the past. So we can talk, if you want. I'll talk with you as a friend who also happens to be a therapist. And then you may decide down the line that you want to speak with someone officially."

I wanted to talk with her. I couldn't imagine talking to a stranger.

The first time we'd talked, I'd filled her in on my childhood. It helped that her eyes didn't fill with pity or horror. They'd just remained kind and steady.

The second time, I'd filled her in on my adult years up through Lachlan.

That time, it helped that her eyes didn't fill with disgust or condemnation at my behavior. They just remained calm and compassionate.

"So I wasn't enough for him," I finished and at that, her face changed and she leaned forward.

"I'm going to tell you something straight, and if you don't hear anything else, hear this: his cheating had nothing to do with you. It was something from inside him. Think about it this way -- your refusal to marry him stemmed from your childhood, from the things that happened to you, from the example your mother gave you. I suspect, based on what you've told me about his journey to fix himself, that his cheating came from something from his past. That's not on you, Wyn. It's never on you if someone cheats. It comes from something inside them that's broken." 

"That makes a lot of sense. It's just hard to believe."

"Believe it. Have you ever really broken that down for Lachlan?"

"Not really. No."

"You've talked to me twice now. And I hope we can talk some more. But maybe think about talking with Lachlan about this. I'm not saying you should, or you have to; I'm just saying think about it."

"I actually have been thinking about talking to him for a while. Ever since he opened up to me about his past, it made me think that we...well, we talked about everything but our pasts when we were together. And we definitely should have talked about them. It might not have made a difference, but maybe it would have."

Roberta gave me a half smile. "It's always hard to say. But both of you had some issues to overcome that left you two in a constant cycle of hurt."

She wasn't wrong, so when Lach and Orion had walked into the book store unexpectedly, it'd seemed like a sign. Without thinking about it too much, I'd asked Lach to dinner, which was why I was now opening my door to him.

"Brought some comfort food for tonight," he said seriously, holding up two bags from a really good local rib place. The man knew my weaknesses.

We got settled at my little table, and I tried to start eating -- the ribs smelled wonderful -- but I was nervous with all the dark thoughts in my head. Picking at my food, I felt Lach's eyes on me.