Lords of Mayhem #1: Lachlan and Elowyn

Chapter 17 (Lachlan): A Book Store

*** TW for violence***

Used to be, the hardest thing in my life was determining which tool to use on someone we wanted to talk. Cause too much pain, they won't be able to talk; too little pain, and they don't take you seriously and can withhold information. Probably why Butcher had all of us take college-level anatomy courses so we could inflict maximum damage

Now, I had a list of the hardest things in my life.

Living with the knowledge that I hurt Wyn. 

This one zipped-tied me to the chair in our MC's guest room on a daily basis and drilled holes directly into my heart. I saw it in her eyes. And her eyes told me she wasn't happy and that meant she'd probably bolt. Didn't know she was already working her escape plan. If I hadn't been such a coward, I could have faced what I was doing.

Living with the knowledge that Wyn carried the hurt I inflicted on her all the time.

Every time I thought about this one, I wanted to punch myself in the face. Wyn shouldn't be carrying this hurt with her because I was a weak asshole, but it was exactly what had happened. For years, I'd hurt her because something was wrong with me that bled out onto her and scored her deep.

Living with the knowledge that I wouldn't talk about my cheating with her.

That one? That was one of the most fucked things there was. After I told her I'd cheat and she was still willing to get official, that meant she was agreeing to the terms. When she tried to talk about it, I had to shut that shit down because it meant I would either have to walk away from her, and I didn't see how in the hell I could live without my Wyn, or I had to stop cheating. At that point, I didn't understand the need driving me; all I knew was I felt compelled to do it and didn't understand that there was actually something wrong inside me and there were strategies I could use to control it. So the obvious answer was to stop any and all attempts she made to talk about it. Period. Fucking genius move. Insert motherfucking eyeroll.

Living without Elowyn.

This sucked in too many ways to count. Every aspect of my life was dull. I didn't care about anything but improving myself and becoming a man who could win her back. Life without Wyn was like a life without air.

"Hey, brother," Orion came up, interrupting my thoughts, and sat on the bar stool next to me and signaled for a beer from the bartender.

I tipped my bottle to my lips and took a long swallow. "Hey," I said.

"You see Wyn?"

He and Butcher were the only ones who knew that the main reason I wanted to see if a chapter of the Mayhem would work here was Wyn.

"Not since last week," I said trying not to sound like a sad little bitch. 

Last week when she'd opened up a little about her childhood, I'd wanted to burn the earth to the ground. Mother, with Butcher's approval, was working on some things for me, so we'd see if he could unearth anything. If anyone could, it'd be Mother. That bastard had skills, and I needed him so I could go on a hunt. So far, he'd gotten me Wyn's medical records and shared them with Butcher and me. That sort of shit didn't fly with any of us, and that was why Butcher had given the go-ahead for the deeper dive that would provide names and addresses.

After the bartender shoved her shoulders back so we'd notice her tits and slid Orion's beer in front of him, I told her to beat it until we wanted another round. She gave us a disgruntled look but walked away to help some customers at the other end of the bar. Everyone was giving Orion and me -- and our Mayhem cuts -- a wide berth.