Two Arts

Chapter 9

The cold shower was more than necessary.

My body was overwound, tense as any instrument's strings waiting only for expert fingers to play my chords right.

I wasn't going to have that kind of luck that day.

I had to make do by myself and with a lot of imagination.

Not that it was difficult for my mind to fall back on old pathways, memories of the girl's lips wrapped over my most sensitive skin. She could do absolutely nothing and my flesh still called for her.

I had spent years shutting down any thought of Sadie and pushing away any fantasy for the sake of my heart, and there I was now, allowing myself to fall back on old habits and finding out that it was so damn easy.

I thought back to her tattoo, of the way her eyes lingered on me while I stared at it, I wondered what she hoped I would do then. What would she have let me do to her? Could I have dived back into her? There was an ocean of possibilities.

All the details of the drawing, the tiny leaves I had wanted to run my fingertips over. I wondered how warm her skin was. I could remember well how soft it felt the last time I had had a chance to handle it.

I imagined reaching under her cardigan, letting my hands explore the luscious parts of her body I missed as I would've missed air underwater.

I craved everything.

From all of the physical proximity to getting to hear about her day and texting her first thing when waking up in the morning.

I hadn't cheated on Colin, but I still felt guilty. I knew that if he had felt towards anyone else the way I felt for Sadie—up to a few days prior—it would've hurt me, and it would've still qualified as a massive betrayal.

I couldn't sit in my shower, thinking about my ex's perfect curves and not feel at least a little bit like a piece of shit in the back of my mind.

I couldn't get myself off under those conditions. Not when sober.

I decided to take the matter into my own hands and got back into comfortable house clothes, a pair of long loose sweatpants, and a tank top.

I sat on the couch and stared at my phone, with Colin's chat open. Keynes was daring me to make the next move and invite my boyfriend over just to break his heart.

"Don't look at me like that," I whined to the cat, "I am not a horrible person, I'm trying to do this right," I complained.

The cat sighed and yawned, not impressed with my explanations.

Can you come over tonight?

Sorry babe, a gig came up last minute and we're all packing to head out tonight

Fuck.

When will you be back?

I didn't want to drop the 'We need to talk' through texts, and I definitely needed to discuss things in person with him.

Idk, in a few days, I'll miss you! I'm sorry it was so sudden

I grunted, annoying Keynes

"It looks like this all will need to be postponed a few more days buddy," Not that I thought he cared.

He probably understood, but he most likely couldn't have cared less.

I felt particularly awful about the fact that what saddened me the most about him being gone was the fact that I'd have to wait extra time before being able to sort things out with him and be able to get closer to Sadie, what a bad girlfriend I was for him.