Pastel Heaven

drumming hearts

I turned to see who was that person calling my name. I frowned ng makita ko ang isang lalaki na matangkad at nakasuot ng white round neck tee na hakab sa mga braso niya. He stepped closer to me at bakas sa mukha niya ang pagkagulat habang nakatitig sa akin.

"Sorry, but do I know you?" agad ko siyang tinanong at humakbang paatras. I could feel my heart drumming inside. Hindi ko alam bakit pero ang mga titig niya ay may hatid na kakaiba sa akin.

"Vika, it's me." Napalunok siya at pilit hinawakan ang kamay ko. "Erhan"

Agad kong hinila ang kamay ko at umiling ng ilang beses. Nabibingi ako sa lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. Pero ang mga mata niya ay titig na titig sa buong mukha ko. His hand went to my cheeks at marahan iyong hinaplos.

"Vika," muli niyang sambit sa pangalan ko.

Flashes of light started to consume my sight at ramdam ko na lang na napasandal ako sa puno. Muli akong huminga ng malalim dahil hindi ko na gusto itong nararamdaman ko. Sceneries were now consuming my sanity at mas lalo pa iyong nag-trigger kapag hinahawakan niya ako.

"You're shaking. Fuck!" May pag-aalalang sabi niya at muli siyang humakbang papunta sa'kin. "Let me take you to the clinic,"

I stepped back once more. "Just, just don't touch me, I'm sorry hindi kita kilala."

"Vika, I won't hurt you at gusto lang kita makausap," mahinahon niyang sabi. His eyes were gloomy at hindi ko maintindihan bakit ako apektado sa mga titig niya na iyon.

Napahawak ako sa ulo ko dahil sa kirot na nararamdaman ko. "Please, huwag kang lalapit!" I warned him.

I turned my back and tried to calm myself. Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng kamay ko at ang palpitation ng pulses ko ay pabilis ng pabilis. I was biting my lips just for me to calm myself. Rinig ko pa rin ang pagtawag niya sa'kin pero hindi na ako lumingon pa.

But I couldn't help myself and stopped to gaze at him. Laking gulat ko pa nang makita siyang nanatiling nakatayo kung saan ko siya iniwan at ang mga mata niya ay nanatili pa rin nakapako sa akin.

"Erhan" bulong ko.

I walked straight to the villa and sat on the wooden stool. Umiikot ang paningin ko at may mga nakikita akong hindi ko maintidihan. Hindi ko siya kilala pero bakit siya ang nasa isip ko at ang mukha niya ang nakikita ko.

"Hon, Matthew wanted to go..." nakangiting sambit ni Ardiem habang papalapit sa akin. Pero agad rin iyong nawala at mabiblis niya akong nilapitan nang makita niya akong nakaupo at habol hiningang ngumiti sa kanya.

"Fuck! What happened to you?" tinignan niya agad ang mga mata ko at hinawakan ang noo ko

"Okay lang ako, hon." Nauutal kong sagot sa kanya.

"You are not okay at namumutla ka na!" mariiin niyang sabi. "You are trembling!

Mabilis kinuha ni Ardiem ang radio transmitter at inutusan ang mga tauhan niya, and without any word he carried me. Pero patuloy pa rin naninikip ang dibdib ko at ramdam ko ang isang bagay na tila tinutusok ang puso ko.

Hindi ko na natiis at napahiyaw na lang bigla dahil sa sobrang sakit. I was holding my chest and even I tried to massage it ay wala rin itong epekto. Mabigat at parang tinutusok sa loob.

"Get back to the house with Matthew at huwag kayong lalabas hanggat hindi ako bumabalik,"

"Yes, sir."

Hindi na malinaw sa'kin ang mga iba pa niyang sinabi pero ang lalaking nakita ko kanina ay hindi mawala sa isipan ko. Nakikita ko ang mukha niya kahit saan ako lumingon.

"Don't worry, just try to think about Matthew when he was young and his first birthday... Hon!"

"Honey! Open your eyes, please,"

Believe me I was trying to open my eyes but I felt exhausted. Biglaan ko lang naramdaman na hindi ako makahinga ngayon. It was just pure of clouds and dim everywhere. I felt alone.

***

"Any diagnosis?"

"Pulses are slowly getting back together, Doc."

I heard voices and felt someone pressed my hand. Slowly my vision went back together and I saw Ardiem staring at me. His eyes were full of worries. I tried to smile at him but my chest were aching.

"How do you feel now?" his deep husky voice echoed like music to my ears. He was caressing my forehead while staring at me.

I lied. "Maayos na, hindi na ako nahihilo. Sorry, this was supposed to be a vacation pero andito ako sa hospital ngayon, I'm really sorry hon."

Huminga siya nang malalim at isinandal ang ulo ko sa malapad niyang balikat. I felt nothing but safety, amoy pa lang niya nawawala na ang alalahanin ko.

"Ssh, there's nothing to worry about it, ang mahalaga maayos na ang pakiramdam mo."

He quickly wiped the tears on my face. "Hon, are you taking your meds regularly?" bigla niyang tanong.

I froze at muling naalala na dalawang lingo ko nang hindi iniinom ang mga gamot ko. I shook my head and hugged him.

"Hon, you have to take your meds regularly. Alam mo naman 'yan di ba? See what happened to you? Mabuti na lang at ako ang kasama mo at naagapan..."

"Hindi na kasi ako sinusumpong in the past weeks kaya..." pero hindi ko na naituloy pa ang sasabihin.

"You mean it's been weeks since you had your meds?!" his tone was emphatic at may halong pagkagulat ang mga tingin niya.

"Oo at okay naman ako, ngayon lang talaga. Sorry." Mahina kong sabi pero I felt guilty because it should not be this way, at hindi dapat ganito kung hindi ko lang nakita ang lalaki na iyon. Sino ba siya? For me to be like this.

"Paano ka gagaling kung hindi mo rin aalagaan ang sarili mo?!"

"Inaalagaan ko naman sarili ko."

"Can you even hear yourself? I know it's a process but five years had been passed, Vika at kahit ang ibang doctor ay sinasabing ang slow ng improvement mo."

Napabuntong hininga siya at humarap sa akin. "Look, I don't want to argue about this pero promise me that you will take your meds regularly, understand?"

I nodded and just hugged him. "Babawi ako." I whispered.

He shook his head and answered quickly. "Just take care of yourself, hon, hindi mo kailangan bumawi."

Then he gently leaned my back at the headboard. "Now, you have to start right here and you will wait until the doctor discharge you."

***

"Mommy, look at this!"

I smiled as he showed me her interests in science. "Did you draw all of these?"

He nodded and pouted his lips. "Yes, but daddy help me too. He's really good in drawing pictures you know?"

"Of course, your dad can do anything."

Matthew really admired his father. I witness how he carefully obeyed his command and even imitate the way he acts when Ardiem was not around. Ardiem was a hands-on father with Matthew ever since he was a baby. Ingat na ingat siya kay Matthew at hindi niya iyon hinahayaan na magkasakit at nagging dahilan iyon para mas lalo akong humanga sa kanya. Hindi siya tulad ng ibang lalaki na basta na lang hinahayaan ang asawa nila na mag-isang alagaan ang mga anak nila. He's really a family-oriented man.

My phone rang and I answered it when I saw his name on the screen. "Honey, how are you feeling now?"

Agad niyang bungad tuwing tatawag siya sa akin. I secretly smiled. "Fine and I just took my meds."

"Good."

Pansin ko ang pagod sa boses niya. "Hon, are you okay?"

"Of course, I was just thinking of something about work." He chuckled.

I knew him and even he's saying those words felt like something was wrong.