𝗕𝗟𝗢𝗢𝗗 𝗔𝗦 𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗖𝗞 𝗔𝗦 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗘𝗥 ⚔︎

1

(POV: jesse's diary.)

july 4th, 1991.

a wise man once said, 'you cannot be good if you are afraid.' you may internet this literally, you may interpret this figuratively. the choice is yours. that is what life is all about, is it not? choices? good ones, bad ones? in-between ones? ones where you are unsure of the outcome, ones where everything seems so black or white?

my whole life, since i was just a mere 7 years old, i turned away from good. sometimes i did it deliberately, other times i did it by mistake. i tended to learn from the choices i made by mistake more often — spilling milk, forgetting to take the chicken out of the freezer, even breaking a poor girl's heart. these things can be corrected when you have the courage to admit to them. they can't always be corrected, of course, but you sure can try.

selfishly, i tended to lie and manipulate my way out of the deliberately bad choices that i made. i was mean and rude to those who loved me. i was violent and self-destructive. i watched my life from the sidelines — i wanted to be apart of it but found doing so painfully difficult. these things get tiring eventually. truth is, i was just a scared little kid, and sometimes i still feel that way. alas, it's better to stop wielding the knife around and just lay it down.

i'm no saint. i've said and done things i'm not proud of, things i regret. i think right now i'm just a tiny bit drunk and finally giving myself a chance to pour my heart out. lord knows i need it. i don't think i've poured out like this for 3 years. not since him. but i'm not going to talk about him — not tonight, anyway. that was a long time ago and i've moved on. (somewhat).

as i write this entry, i am sitting on a plastic folding chair in the middle of the las vegas desert beside a fire with a bottle of jack at my feet. the band and i are on our third tour, this time going around all 50 states. we have a few dates left along the west coast (LA, san fran, portland, seattle) which i'm excited for. tommy, eric, and jude are all currently passed-out asleep on the tour bus. i have no idea what time it is but i'm watching the stars and the fireworks still going off and god, it sure is beautiful out here.

here's to making many more mistakes (and learning from them in the process). until next time.

— XO, jesse lavigne.

the next morning, jesse awakened on the couch in the cramped living room space (if you could even call it that) of the tour bus with a throbbing headache and a crick in his neck. not the best start to any day, never mind on the day that they would have to drive through the hot desert to get to their show in los angeles. he sat up and stretched his arms above his head, feeling the muscles around his spine thanking him graciously for the movement. late morning sunlight crept in through the blinds. he got up and walked through to the kitchen to prepare a coffee and open the windows, letting some fresh air in.

the smell of coffee had awakened tommy from his slumber. raucously, he barged through the doorway that separated the kitchen from the bunks and the tiny bathroom that the four had to share.

"will you keep it down? jesus," jesse said, half sarcastic yet half serious. "you're like a bull in a goddamn china shop."

tommy shrugged and swooped his tanned hand around the steaming kettle. his long, curly black hair hung in his face as he poured some of the dark liquid into a mug. "it's ten o'clock. they're gonna have to get up soon anyways. mick wants us on the road by 11 — you know how he is."