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Crooks - Betrayed By Blood

By That_One_Thespian

Prologue:

The first paragraph is powerful and sets the tone for the book really well. The way the character explains her husband shows the husband character well but i don't feel like I'm getting to know the mothers personally and feelings on the matter. You write that she feels insecure, hurt and spiteful but it would be nice to see you expand on that a little bit:
-why do them feelings arise?
-at what point did her feelings switch?
-how did her feelings progress from love to hate?
-who does she hold in anger more, the husband or the mistress?

In contrast to what I just said people back in the 60s-70s were a lot more cold in their personas and responded to emotions with a more instinctual mind set, you've shown that well, how she feels her pain and decides to act on it in a unconventional way even though she lives a standard life of a woman back then.

The prologue covers a lot but it seems a little to fast, I understand she is venting her thoughts, understandable in her situation but at she could do with more character and personality in her words.

I do like the end of it though “…and this will ensure it.“, it makes me wanna know what “this” is, it keeps the reader enticed. I don't think it needs anything after that though, the progression after makes me feel like shes going to kill somebody, and if so is predictable and removes from the enticement. On the other hand sometimes predictability can hold some readers down and make them feel like they are understanding the story better.

Chapter 6:

Ok this is goin be tricky since you didn't ask me to review chapters 1-5 but I'll give it my readers best.

Ok to start it off the chapter title rocks, Frank Sinatra is a legend.

From what I can tell it was the daughter that took the wrap for the killing? This is a awesome turnaround and a fresh perspective from the mothers point of view.

It doesn't seem like the city has much description or how the city is making her feel, if she hasn't been there in a while i would think she would have the over hyped emotions of nostalgia and would be bombarded by her senses, especially if she's just got out of juvie after 8 years.

You do a good job explaining Lucy's outfit but it could do with some descriptive words to paint a more vivid picture, also what is Cynthia wearing, i feel like the lead character should be just as vivid as the side character but here she has less description. If she looks a mess you can describe that to make her stand out, you could use words like:
-Grotty
-Matted
-Greasy
-Weathered
All kinds of word that emphasize lack of quality and bad hygiene.
Also there clothes match the era but what kind of patterns do they have? At the moment I'm getting hippy vibes from the description especially with the flairs Cynthia is wearing. And when she has her makeover get descriptive with that as well and the transformation would be a powerful part of your story telling

The story holds narrative value but it doesn't feel fleshed out, I know they are running but the sentences feel small. A good way to describe your stories is to imagine the scene and go through it moment by moment in you head, every detail you imagine, write it down and your story will start to fill out.

Lucy's character seems vaine but selfless, like she's got a lot going on for her but is happy to help her friend in need. This is a good personality for her.

Yesss! I love how you explain her senses when she enters the hair salon and how you describe the salons atmosphere, if you did your whole story this way it would be a more enjoyable read for definite.

The vulnerability of Cynthia really shows her lack of development from being in juvie, this is a believable outcome and adds well to her character development.

You mentioned Barbarella!!! Iv gotta give you extra ratings just for knowing your sci-fi. :) I think just mentioning Barbarella is effective on its own and is a good way of incorporating 70s pop culture into your story.

If you want to stick to the times I don't think she would make a lesbian joke, and if she said it in public people would express shock and disgust towards the matter, even if they were ok with lesbianism they would have hid it back then.

Overall you are really on to something with this story you just need to flesh out your scenes, paint pictures with your words and you'll have a bright gem here.

I rate this story a 7/10, it would have been a 6 but Barbarella