JenLisa one shot story's

Escaping Sand

Summary:

Jennie and Lisa love each other; they really, truly, wholeheartedly do. They’re each other’s safe place — someone to feel comfortable with, like a home.
T

hey’re young, reckless, desperate and co-dependent. It’s bound to end. They’ll both reach the edge of the cliff and Jennie chose to save herself.

Lisa? Well. Who knows

    

KM Photography Contest Entry No. 15 
“

Most of the time, when you run from something and refuse to face it, you’ll never be able to hold it again. It’s like sand in the palm of your hands, it’ll slip through between your fingers and no matter how hard you try, you’ll only be left with little particles of what you wanted to have but never the whole of it.”  (by Lisa Manoban)
 
The first time Jennie and Lisa travelled together was when they went to California. Lisa always talked about how much she loved how pretty it was there and Jennie surprised her with a one week trip to LA for her birthday. The entire week, Lisa kept thanking her for bringing her there. It was a week they keep reminiscing. They’d always talk about it as if it was the first time they did. Both their favorite moment was when they went to Santa Monica Beach. Lisa took a picture of Jennie holding sand in her hands, the picture she sent as her entry for the KM Photography Contest.
——————————————————
 
“I’ll kill myself”, Lisa uttered
 
She surprisingly wasn’t feeling anything other than the need to end it all — with all the mess and whatnot happening in her life, this time she was serious. This time, the fear that was holding her back was nowhere to be found. All that’s in front of her is her girlfriend, Jennie, who has been shedding tears since Lisa got home. It’s not like this was the first time Lisa lost it and really wanted to die. Jennie always talked her out of it. Always. Somehow, this one’s different.
 
“And what? leave me?”
“I don’t care anymore”
 
See, Lisa was having trouble with college, she got into a fight with her closest friends, didn’t exactly like being at home and her relationship with Jennie was getting worse day by day despite how much they both try to make it work.
 
Jennie was also feeling the same way. She’s been wanting to die, too. However, Lisa still existed and no matter how much of a wreck their relationship became, she still held onto her. Jennie’s been continuously trying her best to achieve her mom’s ideal daughter ever since she was young despite it not being what she truly wants. In fact, she was so buried under other people’s needs and wants that she doesn’t even know what’s hers.
 
Lisa was one of them.
 
“Then break up with me! Break up with me before you kill yourself!”, Jennie was angry. Miserably angry. She was fed up and tired and all she wanted was a hand to hold but Lisa couldn’t give that with all the things she’s balancing in hers.
 
Somehow, that was all Lisa needed to be pulled back into reality. She was numb from it all, death was camping in her head as if it was already building a home, ready to take her in. Lisa didn’t want to lose Jennie, though. Lisa wasn’t scared of death anymore but Jennie brought it all back. She realized the weight of all the words she said and all the actions she did. She wanted to back out and tell Jennie that she didn’t mean to. She knew it was too late, though.
 
“I can’t—“
“Then i’m breaking up with you!”, Jennie screamed between sobs
 
Lisa hated it. Lisa hated how she always lets her emotions get the better of her and how she easily forgets about Jennie’s feelings when she drowns in hers. Lisa hates that they met at a time when both had no idea of what self-love was and was looking for love in the wrong place. Lisa was a fucking mess but Jennie took her in. Jennie had no place to go but she gave herself so Lisa had one. Lisa was a fucking asshole.
 
Jennie stormed past her, the one she always looked at as the love of her life. Yes, she’s messy, problematic and really hard to deal with but she was still everything she wanted. She always held her down and made her feel like she doesn’t exist but Lisa made her feel. Lisa showed her a world beyond what she’s chasing for she didn’t know existed. Lisa was a pain but Jennie was happy to be in pain so long as it came with bliss. This one’s too much, though. She had to save herself from her. She had to save her. This is the only way she knows.
 
Lisa froze. There’s no one now. Just her. A noose. And the shirt Jennie gave her. It was in her drawer but it’s all she could think of. Jennie is gone. Jennie was fed up. Who wouldn’t be?
She’s scared now. Even more scared than she used to be. Jennie was suffocating sometimes. Jennie made her feel misunderstood and invalidated sometimes. Jennie was still Lisa’s home, though. Lisa was a firm believer that there’s no such thing as “Right person, wrong timing”. She believed that if it’s the right person, then it will be no matter the odds. She doesn’t believe that anymore.
————————————————————
Jennie wakes up after a long, long night of worrying whether her ex-girlfriend is alive or not. The buzzing of her phone gave her the reassurance that she was.
 
171 messages (my love.)
29 missed calls (my love.)
 
From my love.
i’m sorry
please let’s talk about this.
i don’t want to lose you
i lost control
i wasn’t thinking
i miss you
i can’t do it without you
i really, really need you
jen
jen, please
i’m sorry
i know i’ve done this a thousand times and wasted a million chances but please
i.. i need you, j.
 
She skimmed through the series of messages that was sent to her. She almost replied but suppressed the urge to do so. She turned her phone off, went to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. Eyes swollen she could barely keep them open and her hair all over the place. She doesn’t recognize herself at all, she doesn’t like the person in front of her. She looks at the blue toothbrush that stood beside her pink toothbrush. She looks at the bra hanging on the bathtub that’s sizes smaller than hers. She looks at the “JxL” vandal on the corner of her mirror. All the bits and pieces of her she had to erase. Of course she couldn’t, how can she? She falls to the bathroom floor, moves to the corner and cries. She cries as loud as she can, she cries the loudest she ever has. She wants her back but she can’t. She no longer wants to feel that way ever again. She wants Lisa but not the way she makes her feel and she wonders if she knew Lisa at all.
 
Lisa sits on her bed, her eyes heavy from all the crying. She was tired and sleepy but she fought it. She wasn’t exactly the type to stay awake after a breakdown. She clutches her phone on her hand, watching out for a notification from “princess”. Jennie always changed her name on her phone. It was “Jen” at first and she changed it to “loml” and to “wifey” and to “jenjen” and to “jj”. One day, she was playfully texting Lisa when she was cooking breakfast in the kitchen and saw that her name on her phone was “princess”. Giddy, she ran into Lisa’s arms which caught her off guard and made her knock over the pan off the stove. Lisa had a burn after that and Jennie felt bad. She showered her with kisses and jokingly put the blame on her.
 
No new text messages
No missed calls
 
Lisa realizes it’s over and that it’s her fault. She wishes she wasn’t so hard to put up with. She wishes she had done more. All she can do now is sleep everything off and hope that Jennie will be right where she always were, on the right side of her bed.
 
Days pass. Lisa tried to beg but she always gets no response. She was surprised she wasn’t blocked yet or maybe she was blocked that’s why she’s not getting a reply. Either way, she tries to move forward but is always pulled back by the feeling of wanting to come home. Jennie, on the other hand, stayed in her mom’s house hoping she’d feel better and forget. Her mom was on her tail every second of the day, though. It made things worse but she stayed. She can feel sad about everything except Lisa. She weeps over the fact that she can’t tell her mom that her heart is broken by a girl because she never listens and her ideal daughter isn’t gay.
 
Maybe some people will tell Jennie that she should have stopped Lisa. Maybe some people will tell Lisa she should have thought about Jennie’s feelings. Those people don’t know that Jennie did stop her every single time she was tiptoeing on a chair with her neck being held in place by a rope even if it broke her heart to watch her like that. She just didn’t understand how Lisa can leave her just like that after it all. She just doesn’t know what to do if after everything she did to make her want to live, she still wants to end it all. Those people also don’t know that Lisa hated how weak she was. How she hated that she can’t see the good in the world her girlfriend offers. Well, she did, but she thought that it was too little compared to the bad. No matter how good things get, she’ll always still feel like there’s a rope wrapped around her neck. She tried so hard to want to live for Jennie and that’s exactly where she went wrong — she should’ve tried to want to live for herself.
 
Lisa’s room gets messier everyday. All sorts of liquor keeping her accompanied, some rolling around her room and some already scattered into broken pieces. Tissues with either tears, alcohol or blood, clothes — mostly sweatshirts and sweatpants and just.. trash. She finally hears a new sound, rather than sad love songs and sounds of her wailing, she hears a door opening followed by a comforting voice.
“Lisa?”, Jisoo calls out.
Jisoo was the only friend who took her side after she fought with her closest friends over Jennie. It was a petty fight. Jennie called her friends out for always flaking on her and talking shit about her. Her friends think there’s nothing wrong with what they’re doing since Lisa does the same (she doesn’t).
 
“You don’t have to,” Lisa replies
“To what? Leave? Of course.”
“I’m fine”
“You’re living in a dumpster”
“Fitting for a trash like me”
“I hate to break it to you but being an angsty emo boy is so 2015,” Jisoo teased
 
Jisoo brushes the tissues and clothes piled up on Lisa’s bed off and sits next to her. She strokes the back of Lisa’s hands in hopes she’d bury herself into her chest. She did. It’s not like she can resist that. She cries again, for as lang as she can. Jisoo doesn’t mind having her top drenched. She should have visited her sooner but she couldn’t do so due to a bunch of schoolworks piling up on her plate.
 
After a while, Lisa finally stops crying and apologizes. She gave jisoo a shirt that was a size larger than Jisoo and told her to change. Jisoo did. She came back to Lisa asleep on her bed. She knows that if she left before Lisa wakes up, she’d feel worse so Jisoo stayed. She cleaned her apartment and hoped she’d wake up before night falls.
 
While cleaning the place, she stumbles upon a small notebook, one that would fit into a pocket, on her bedside table. It was open on the page where Lisa stuck two plane tickets. 
 
Jennie Kim
Business Class, Seat 19F
Seoul, South Korea to Bangkok, Thailand
May 2, 20XX
 
Lalisa Manoban
Business Class, Seat 19G
Seoul, South Korea to Bangkok, Thailand
May 2, 20XX
 
Beneath the plane tickets was a detailed plan on what they will be doing on their 1 week stay in Lisa’s hometown. It was a post-anniversary gift for Jennie. Supposedly.
 
Jisoo was surprised at the sight of it — Lisa hasn’t visited Bangkok for 9 years. She had uncountable memories she refuses to relive or ever think about in Thailand that she couldn’t bring herself to go back— until now. Jisoo always thought they weren’t good for each other because their relationship was toxic in all ways possible. How can someone so toxic manage to push her back to a place she’s afraid of?
 
Jisoo moves on to cook Lisa dinner as she didn’t want to pry and decided to wait until Lisa brings it up– or if she just gets too curious that she opens her mouth, whichever one comes first. 
 
“Hey,” groggily, Lisa walked towards Jisoo
“Good mor— evening”
“You actually know how to cook?”
“Don’t act like you haven’t been dying to eat my cooking again”
 
Lisa lets out a soft laugh and proceeds to wash her face. She motions Jisoo to sit on the other side of the table and brings out the utensils. Jisoo talks about her day while they eat, hoping to distract Lisa. She talks about how they were talking about how culture affects the way music is made in one of her classes and had Thailand as an example.
 
“Sing bao bao for me,” Lisa said
“If you take me to Thailand then I will”
Lisa stops chewing and looks at her dead in the eyes
“Kidding,” Jisoo adds and tries to laugh it off.
“I was going to take Jennie there,” after a period of silence, Lisa breaks the ice
“I thought you hated that place”
“I do”
“Then why?”
“I wanted her to change my mind”
“You believe she would?”
 
Lisa paused, tears starting to gather in her eyes.
 
“Woah, woah, YOU brought her up!,” Jisoo countered. 
“Ah, no, just—,” Lisa tries to laugh it off and blinks her tears away
“It’s Jennie. Jennie fucking Kim. She can make me feel anything if she wanted to and I wanted to bet on that,” She adds.
—————————————————————
Lisa is sitting across a girl she’s known for a while but never really talked to. Jisoo introduced them to each other when Lisa accidentally bumped into them. It’s been a week since Jennie left her and she thinks she can stop thinking of her by putting someone else in her head.
 
“So, how have you been?,” The blonde girl asked, her australian accent being completely audible
 
Well, it’s not like she knows. Should she say she’s fine? getting better? still stuck? Should she just be blunt with her and ask her if she can come over tonight and sleep with her? That’s such an asshole thing to do, though.
 
They talk for a while, gave each other their phone numbers and walked away. They both come home to messages saying “had fun” and “enjoyed that” from each other and Lisa thinks that maybe moving on isn’t that hard.
 
It’s been two months. Lisa and Rosie wakes up to a good morning and sleeps to a sleep well text. Things seem to be doing well. Lisa thinks she can open her heart now. She doesn’t care that it’s going too fast- or so she thought.
 
Rosie is an amazing girl. Too amazing. She’s sweet and kind and just seems like a person you can be free with. It’s almost like she’s a robot built to think of what others feel more than what she feels and Lisa appreciates that. She makes Lisa forget about Jennie sometimes.
 
(1) New text message
from Jennie.
 
Lisa stares at her phone.
No way.
Jennie texted her.
Jennie? Her Jennie? The Jennie that broke up with her two months ago? But why? Why now? What does it say? Does she want me back? Please, I hope she wants me back.
 
May 2, 20XX
2:34 P.M.
If you were really sorry, you wouldn’t be all over another girl. Not that I expected anything more from you but well, whatever. Don’t even know why i’m texting you. 
 
And just like that, she’s back at square one.
 
To: Rosie
Hey.
 
Hiiiii!
Missed you, haha
I need to say something
What is it?
I
I can’t be with you after all
What?
Where is this coming from?
I just, I don’t want to be any more than this.
Oh.
Sure, that’s fine. (:
I’m sorry
Don’t be!
I understand
 
Jennie is lying on her bed, wondering if she’s being too petty or dumb after sending that text. It’s been two months since she broke up with her ex and she’s bitter about seeing her all happy and sweet with another girl.
 
It’s not that she cares, she’s mad. Lisa says these things but doesn’t prove that she actually means it. She’s selfish and only looks at herself. Jennie silently went through hell and back for this girl and she has the guts to be happy? Asshole.
 
She knows she won’t get a reply, if she does, she’ll explode. She knows she shouldn’t have said that because even if she hates her, she knows deep down that she has lingering feelings for her. She still somehow, just a little, hope that they can both try again in the future. She knows she has to stop hoping, though. (Which she eventually does)
 
Jisoo barges in her apartment again but this time, she’s not there to comfort her.
 
“Why did you do that?!,” Jisoo exclaims
“What?,” Lisa looks up at her, putting her phone aside
“Throw her away!”
“I didn’t!”
“Then what do you call it?”
“I don’t know! Saving her? Saving Jennie?”
“If you’re trying to act martyr, you’re just coming off as dumb and rude”
“I had no choice! What did you want me to do? Lead her on when I know I still have feelings for Jennie?!,” Lisa raised her voice. Then fell to the ground. Cried. Like she always does.
——————————————————————
Jennie has moved on now. She still misses Lisa and is still reminded of her in the small things every now and then, but she knows she doesn’t want her anymore.
 
Lisa knows that. She occasionally checks her social media accounts to check up on her and sometimes, as the universe’s cruel plan, she sees her, sometimes with people, sometimes alone, beaming with happiness. It hurts her, but it’s more of a bittersweet feeling. Like,  there goes her girl full of happiness and joy. Just not with her.. I wish it was but I guess this is.. enough. She’s happy she’s moving forward, it’s been three months after all. She’s just jealous that she’s not, even if she thinks she deserves to be still hung up on her.
One night, she finds herself calling Jennie. No influence of alcohol or drugs, just her drowning in her feelings when she thought she was definitely getting over. She hopes her number is still the same. She hopes that she’d pick up.
 
She does.
 
“Hey,” Jennie softly says
 
Lisa cries. Secretly. As silently as she can. But she cries hard. She wonders how long she’s felt like she’s being suffocated and is amazed by how only the sound of her voice can help her breathe. She wonders how long it’s been since she felt home even though she knows Jennie isn’t, shouldn’t be. She wonders just how much of her life she shared with this girl for her to feel like she waited so long for her.
 
“Hi,” Her voice breaks a little
“What’s up?”
“Oh.. nothing. Thank you for answering the call”
“You know i’ll always be here”
 
Lisa chuckles through her tears because she knows, they both know that isn’t true.
 
“I know it’s so sudden,” She wishes she was good at sounding natural but Jennie doesn’t faze even if she knows Lisa is crying so, maybe it’s fine. “I just.. felt like I needed to hear your voice”
“Well, hopefully it doesn’t sound too different,” Jennie tries to make her laugh but they both know she sucks at jokes
“Just right”
They talk the way you’d expect how good exes talk. They ask each other how they’ve been, Lisa tries to hold the conversation going but Jennie either says a few words or none at all. Lisa doesn’t want to stop but she can only ever force herself towards Jennie for so long. 
 
“It was nice catching up with you,” Lisa says, trying to end the conversation.
“Good timing, I actually have to go, don’t want to keep a date waiting”
 
Oh.
 
“Absolutely,” Lisa replies, trying to hide the jealousy,  sorrow and a little anger in. She knows she doesn’t have the right to feel any of that and she also knows Jennie had that planned since she called. She deserved that.
 
“Bye”
——————————————————————
It’s been ten months. Jennie’s with someone new and Lisa, she doesn’t know what she’s up to nor does she care about that. She’s currently working on school projects, her laptop on her left and a bunch of papers on her right. She finishes writing her essay and is about to email it to her professor. The problem is, she doesn’t remember their email. She could ask for it from her classmates or look for it in the school website but she decides to look for it in her inbox. She remembers that her professor sent a welcoming email to all his students that made them all think he was a kind and understanding teacher. As she scrolls past through her emails, she finds something that caught her attention. It isn’t that welcoming email or an email from the university, it was an email from an airline. She clicks on it and reads the content.
 
XX Airlines
May 2, 20XX
 
Greetings, Ms. Kim!
 
We would like to confirm your cancellation with your flight today to Bangkok, Thailand at 7:15 pm. This is to ensure that you are aware of the changes in your flight and to avoid confusion and inconveniences. It was cancelled at 3:04 pm today through online transactions at xxairlines.com. Furthermore, Ms. Lalisa Manoban, your supposed companion to your trip, also cancelled hers together with yours. If you indeed want to cancel your flight, please ignore this message, if otherwise, click the button below to be redirected to our assist team or call XX-XXX-XXXX.
 
Thank you!
 
Thailand. May 2. Lisa. Thailand. May 2. Lisa. Lisa. Thailand. Thailand? With her?
 
She was feeling all sorts of emotions. Happy, thankful, angry, sad, confused, surprised and.. regretful?
 
They dated for a year. The entire year filled with more doubt, pain and misunderstandings than happiness, bliss and comfort. They were young and somehow, between unsaid words and thoughtless words, they lost the love they had for each other.
 
And now it’s all coming back.
 
She grabs her phone, she looks for Lisa’s name on her contacts and realizes she deleted it. She memorized it though so she dials it, hoping she’ll pick up. She doesn’t know why she’s doing this, she doesn’t know why she’s feeling this way, all she knows is she desperately needs to get to her.
 
No answer.
She calls again.
Still nothing.
And again.
Nope.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Pick the fuck up, Lisa
 
She calls it a few more times but she still got nothing. She gets on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram — all her accounts are gone. “What the hell is going on?,” she mumbled.
 
She calls Jisoo, she knows she’s the only person who stayed with Lisa.
 
Jisoo picks up.
 
“Hello?,” Jisoo greets.
“Jisoo, hi. Where’s Lisa?”
“What?”
“Lisa? Where is she?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I have to talk to her”
“Oh. You haven’t heard?”
 
Jennie’s heart stops. Fuck. Know what? She’s alive. She has to be. Fuck. Fuck.
 
“What happened?,” Jennie musters the courage to speak
 
Jisoo doesn’t answer. She doesn’t know if she should— she doesn’t even know what to say or how to say it. She takes a deep breath and says, “She... disappeared, Jen”
 
“What? What do you mean? Where is she?,” Jennie is scared. It’s obvious. Her words are all over the place, she repeats the words where, huh, how and why.
“We don’t know where she is. She disappeared in June 6, it’s been 7 months,” Jisoo explains
“What?”
“The last time she was seen was.. June 6 during lunch with her family and then no one saw her again. There’re still ongoing search parties but we’ve had no luck. She didn’t bring anything with her, not even her phone or wallet. She left her money and credit cards here. She didn’t leave us anything either. No letters, no clues or whatever”
 
Jennie stayed silent for a while, trying to take it all in. Lisa is absolutely the type of person to do that. She’s gone. Is she even still alive? She has to be. But where is she?
 
“Hey?,” Jisoo calls out
“Oh uhm hey, I’m sorry. Thank you for telling me, I have to go now”
“Oh okay. If you find anything helpful about her, give me a ring”
“Okay”
 
Jennie doesn’t know where to start.
Where would Lisa go? Why did she leave? What happened? What was she thinking? 
She hates that she’s playing with people again. She’s making a fool out of everyone again. But she hates herself more for not knowing and for not being there when she was contemplating doing so. She hates herself because she knows she’s finally being selfish in a good way and she’s angry about it. But mostly, she hates that she can’t do anything about her going missing because she chose to disappear. What right does she have to go after her after leaving her alone?
 
She thinks that maybe this is for the best. She has Irene now and she would absolutely hate herself if she breaks her heart. She thinks that Lisa is happy now. She hopes. Wherever the hell she is, she hopes she wants to live this time.
 
But God. God fucking damn. I miss her.