Snippets || EN ||

II

CW: depression, implied/referenced eating disorder, starving

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Addison lets out a satisfied sigh as the hot water hits her strained muscles. She slowly moves the shower head from the right side of her chest to the left and then on her back, feeling her body relaxing more and more. Putting a lavender-scented shower gel on her favorite red sponge, she slowly moves it around her body, savoring every minute.

The shower is one of the rare times she has peace and allows herself not to think about Meredith – if she's okay, if she's sleeping, if she's cold. She needs this to salvage the little bit of sanity she has left.

She hears steps coming up the stairs just as she's putting on a bathrobe. Putting her hair up in a towel, Addison steps out of the bathroom and positions herself in front of Meredith's bedroom door.

Izzie appears a few seconds later, carrying a big tray full of freshly baked cupcakes. Addison could smell the sweet scent all the way across the hallway, making her stomach rumble.

Izzie's smile disappears as soon as her gaze locks with Addison's. She frowns, and Addison can see her grip on the tray tighten.

"Hey," Izzie says, her sweet tone not matching the anger on her face. She stops a few inches away from Addison, her gaze not flinching away from Addison's cold stare. "I made Mer cupcakes."

Addison forces out a smile. "Just leave them on the floor. I'll dry my hair and take them inside."

"I thought I'd give them to her."

"You don't have to. I'll do it."

"Why?"

"Because she is sleeping right now."

"Right," Izzie says, visibly rolling her eyes.

"You have something to say, Stevens?" Addison asks coldly, clenching her jaw.

"Nope." Izzie turns around and starts walking away.

Addison follows her.

"Leave the cupcakes."

"They are not for you."

They get down the stairs, and Izzie goes to the kitchen, where Addison sees multiple trays and plates full of cupcakes, milk, flour, and butter making a mess everywhere.

They stand on opposite sides of the kitchen table, glaring daggers at each other when suddenly George appears with two bags full of food. Addison notices a fresh milk bottle and has to resist the urge to groan.

George stops at the threshold when he notices the tension in the air and looks between them, dumbfounded. "What's happening?"

Izzie huffs. "Addison is in a cranky mood again; that's what's happening."

George mouths "cranky" under his breath, and Addison can see his lips twitching upward.

"I just didn't want Izzie to go inside Meredith's room," Addison explains, her gaze returning to the blonde who crosses her arms over her chest.

"Why?" George asks, walking past them and putting the bags on the counter.

"Because she can't. None of you can, actually."

Izzie looks at her with a challenging grin. "I want to see you say that to Cristina."

"Meredith is my responsibility; I will make her feel better."

George shrugs, his face uncomfortable. "Yeah, I don't think that's healthy-"

"I wasn't asking what you think, O'Malley!"

She sees both of them inhale, probably preparing to criticize everything she does, and her already thin patience reaches its limits.

"Don't you two have patients to save instead of wasting your time baking?!" Addison snaps. No waiting for an answer, she snatches one cupcake from the tray on the kitchen table and returns upstairs to dry her hair and check if Meredith isn't cold again.

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Meredith still didn't make a sound. Well, unless she did.

And Addison felt her heart break every time.

On the first days out of the hospital, Meredith would wake up in the middle of the night, trashing around, a blood-piercing shrieking coming out of her mouth. The only way to calm her down was to hold her tightly, repeating that it was just a dream until she woke up.

Addison stopped sleeping three days in, too anxious to let herself relax. She lay in bed next to Meredith, listening to her breathing, and watched her chest rise up and down, afraid it would stop any moment.

She was glad Meredith's sudden mutism was a conscious choice, not something the drowning caused. Her vocal cords work; she just doesn't use them for some strange reason.

Addison tried everything she could think of to help her. She talked all the time, hoping Meredith would tell her to shut up; she told her jokes, hoping she would laugh; she told her about the most exciting surgeries she did in her career; she gave her space for a few days where she just sat with her in silence. But no matter what she did, Meredith was silent.

Addison starts thinking that it's a punishment. Meredith is torturing her for something. The only thing she could think of was that Meredith was angry that Addison didn't stop her, that she didn't care about her enough to see that something was wrong.

After a third night without sleep, Addison is exhausted, her eyes are dry and itchy, and her head is dizzy. She brushes her teeth, and when she returns to the bedroom, she sees Meredith's eyes are open.

Despite it all, Addison smiles warmly at the sight.

"Hey, baby. Did you sleep well?"

Meredith blinks, showing no signs of hearing what Addison just said.

Addison sits beside her on the bed, caressing her cheek gently, trying to hold back tears.

"I'm so sorry if I did something to make you do all this," she whispers, her voice breaking slightly. "It wasn't my intention. I love you, and I need you to be okay."

She takes a deep breath, cupping Meredith's face and turning it towards herself, so she can at least pretend she's looking at her.

"Tell me how to make you feel better. Please," Addison begs, gazing into Meredith's blue eyes. But the only thing she sees in there is pain and unbearable sadness.

Addison blinks quickly to get rid of the tears. "Say something, baby."

When Meredith isn't saying anything, Addison lets go of her face and sighs, saying a promise she hopes soon becomes a reality.

"Whenever you're ready, I'll be here. I promise."