love, grief, pain, acceptance, hope

Grief

The first few days I really didn't hurt yet, I was still in disbelief. After those first few days thought it really started to sink in. All these thoughts racing through my head all the time, it was so stressful. it's still stressful. I knew deep down that we were probably never gonna hang out like the old days again. I knew that the last time we hung out was the last time ever. I couldn't wrap my mind around it and i still can't.
I spent the past year of my life constantly around this person. I shared my life with them, secrets i've never told anyone, my room, my clothes, my dad, my heart. I gave her a home, comfort, love, and peace. That's why it still feels like i'm being stabbed over and over in my gut.
I haven't really talked to her since that saturday i found out. I remmeber when i found out and how my stomach dropped, my hands went numb, and i was shaking terribly. It's like all the shit i have been through and accepted is finally happening again right before my eyes. I had to relive experiences i never wanted to happen again. My heart was completely shattered. The things she said about me and my boyfriend still play through my head all the time, it's hard to ignore it. Very very hard.
I still can't shake this feeling off, I'm not quite sure what it is. I feel bad calling it grief because she's not dead, she's well and alive and somehow that hurts more knowing i'm better off without her in my life; but i feel so empty and so lost without her.