Old Poetry and Prose

Heroin

I'm sorry I slammed the door in your face.

Four months later and I still remember your words so perfectly as if I had watched them roll off your tongue,

and not have read them on a dirty computer screen.

"Suit yourself."

How many times did we yell with our fingers how much we hated each other, screamed such cruel words because it wwas always easier through an online message.

For some reason I can't remember.

For some reason,

I seem to prefer to remember how warm your chest was against mine as you pulled me into a hug when you whispered you're sorry,

how gentle your hand was when it slipped into mine under the desk so no one would see,

how soft your eyes would become when you begged me to try just one more time.

And I'm not sure why four months later you come to me at night and pull me into a hug,

and I collapse into your arms,

too weak to fight you,

only to wake up in an empty bed with tears streaming down my face.

And I'm not sure why after two years of a friendship full of anger and pain I can never accept how terrible we are together.

Everytime you hold me close my family and friends shake their heads,

everytime you slip your fingers into mine we both hope no one will see because we know.

We're just too stubborn to listen.

And I was too weak to let go.

And while people I love yell it's for the best and four months later they're proud I haven't called you,

I'm still praying that the text that lights up my phone is from you.

Everyone knows how toxic you are but I inject you like heroin and as I drift off I wonder if I'll ever recover.

And as I pull the pillows over my head and wipe away the tears,

I wonder if I was your heroin.

And the worst part is I probably wasn't.

And you will never read these words,

you will never watch how many hours I cry in my sleep,

you will never feel the incredible loneliness I have,

and even though I was the one who I said I was done you were the one who threw me in the trash,

when you used to curl me to your body and let me sob about my own little problems.

And I need you.

Where are you?

You said

you'd never

leave me.

And you have no idea what I'd give to let you hold me again.

You have no idea how close I am to begging on my knees for you to forgive me just to be held by you,

as you press me to you and we slip under the covers and you ask me if I'm comfortable and I nod because I can't believe how good it feels to be loved.

And you will never read these words.  And you will never have any idea how much you mean to me.