My Light. a Minsung Story

He is my Light. 2

This part of the story gets on a little more harsh, Lino got me out of my dorm to live with him and his sisters so I don't do any more stupid things to myself and as my wounds started to heal more and more day by day and I got happier day by day I realized that my past shouldn't ever have haunted me the way it did.

I'm writing this as I sit next to him and he blankly looks at what I'm typing, we turned on some music. It's nice. It's calm. I'm not worrying about a thing right now. Is what I'd write here if this was the case, he actually just walked out and went somewhere, he didn't say where but my anxiety is growing and growing, everyday I fear for my parent's return, everyday I fear for mine and Minhos life..I can't handle this anymore and it'd be better if I just disappeared once and for all.

Ah..he came back..with a marker? "what are you doing with the marker?" I ask in confusion as he turns on a shortened, sadder version of "cardigan" by Taylor Swift. He gently starts singing it for me as he pulls off my bandages..He takes a long look at the scars and tries not to cry, with a gentle voice and the gentle movements of his hands he starts drawing stars around my healing scars while singing "You drew stars around my scars­" He continues to do this over all my scars, my lower and upper arm, my thighs, my ribs and whereever I had scars. I forgot how many scars I've had, this is 10 years of continuous self harm.. by the end I've had stars over my whole body, and a big one on the side of my neck which was from my first attempt when Lino found me..

He softly kissed me "please, remember those as stars, as something so special and unique. Don't do this anymore you hear me?" I nod and we sit back down, I keep looking at the stars, the wounds are practically invisble, he is scared, lost in his thoughts I slightly tap his shoulder and he flinches, he takes a glance of me and while I can see the tears forming in his eyes he asks "Jisung..what happened back at your home..I want to understand and see you from a perspective of where I can help you" I start breathing heavily as all the memories build up and he calms me down.. "well, it started back when I was 4 years old.."

{14.09.2004}

I blew out the candles but no one celebrated me, my parents just looked at me with that..empty expression..I don't understand "Eomma? Appa?" I look at them.. they tell me off to my room and come to me after 5 minutes, it felt like an eternity "what you did was not okay." my dad told me..but what was not okay? "Don't you dare to ever so much as put a finger on a cake again" my mom says in a strong tone "I'm sorry" it was just a mistake?

From that day on, my 4th birthday, everything just started crashing.. I remember her yelling "YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A MISTAKE" while the endless hits just came in, him screaming "WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE EVERY OTHER CHILD" while the belt hit my back over and over again..

And whenever I asked "Can I go out with x friend from school?" there'd be 2 slaps if I asked for a sleepover, I'd receive 5 or more.. her fists, her palms..it all left marks..his belt, the TV cable and any other utensil almost broke my bones multiple times..yet I still loved them..yet I still wanted to hug them

On my 8th birthday, I didn't even get a "happy birthday" from neither of them as they were screaming at eachother for whose fault it was that I was even born, I was an orphan in my own home..I didn't feel safe anymore..everything was my fault..My dad knocked over a vase? My fault. Teachers noticed my uncarefully placed bruises? My fault. Our 18 year old cat died of old age? My fault. I couldn't even study and failed multiple exams? My fault. My mom's rice cooker stopped working? My fault.

What I just counted up, were the minorities..these only cost me a hard hit on the back..for bigger things..The punishment would be 10 times worse..My childhood memories are just..coming home, getting yelled at and hit, getting no sleep, going to school and coming home. That was my life..I didn't find a way out so I started cutting at only 8 years old..my first attempt was at 10 years old, in the school bathroom..

Someone found me before it was too late..that someone was Lee Minho..My Childhood best friend, he was the only one I got to see/play with as our moms were best friends..were..after Auntie Lee found out about my mistreatment, she broke off contact to my mother but when CPS cam to our house, they had let all my bruises/cuts heal so they wouldn't take me away..just for them to have a punching bag

Lee Minho was the one who saved my life at 10 years old..and I told the doctors to call his mom instead.. allthough I never or rarely got to see him outside of school, he made my school life the best I had..I had someone whom I felt safe with, someone who wouldn't hurt a fly and at 14..we came together..That broke my family apart..it was my fault for being gay.

It was my fault for falling inlove with Minho..it was my fault for anything I did..I was tired..so tired..

At this point in my life I was managing to have 1 night of sleep in the entire week..once I managed to enroll in university, I wanted to get out of my parents hands.

After starting a job as a restaurant server, by my restaurant I was gifted a studio apartment right above it, I moved out without saying a word..I just disappeared and never talked to who once were my parents ever again.

{present}

Minho looked at me, in shock, mumbling something along the lines of "I didn't know.." I put my hand down on his thigh "Eomma never told me.." his eyes are widely opened as he stares into my numb expression, my numb eyes "I knew you had issues..but I didn't think it was this bad.." for a moment there's an awkward silence and he tells me to turn around. A

As I do so, he lifts my hoodie and the scarrings of the belt, cables and whatever was used got revealed, taking the marker again, he shakily draws stars over those aswell and lets the marker hit the floor "I'm sorry" he mumbled while he was slowly starting to break down, in all honesty.. I was speechless.

I couldn't bring myself to say a word because I knew I would break down for the first time in years and as I took a deep breath it suddenly overwhelmed me. My parents behaviour wasn't normal, no one would wish for their child to die, no other parent would want their kid out at 8 years old..no other parent would..even consider trying to kill their child but failing..multiple times.

I got up and left him in the room, I went outside of his apartment, into the rain, not giving a care..I went to my favorite spot which was a 5 minute walk into the woods, a little bridge above a pond, I used to come here a lot, sneaking out of my bedroom window just to be able to cry without any hits following, this place was my peace and no one would ever know about it.

I broke down, screaming and crying to the point I started throwing up everything hurt, my whole body was hurting.

After 2-3 hours I went back to his place it was obvious that the both of us had a mental breakdown, he took me in and forced me to take a warm shower before I'd get sick. I took the shower and he put his clothes on me, put me into the blanket in his room, turned on the TV, brought me tea and sat down on his bed, pulling me closer to him while gently putting my head on his chest.

His heartbeat was so calming, everything was so calming. I finished my tea and he put the mug on his nightstand, he'd keep me on his chest and while we were watching a movie in total silence, he kept on gently striking my back, while his other hand was holding mine and that was the first time in months where I was able to sleep.

He was my safe place. He is my light at the end of the tunnel, he brings me so much joy, so much to live for and look forward to, he is the man of my dreams that I love and adore so much.

It's him.