Snow On the Beach (Taylor Swift x Reader)

my tears ricochet

Taylor's POV

I waited an hour in the pitch black room listening to the pattern of his breathing next to me until I was sure he was asleep. I had made up a lie about being too hot for the duvet so I didn't need to worry about any extra noise when I slipped out of bed, creeping down the stairs into the living room. I smiled when I felt something soft against my leg, looking down to see a bright pair of eyes staring back at me. I gave Benji a scratch on the head before going over to the armchair, tucking myself up into a foetal position and opening up my messages.

Did you get home safe?

Y/n:

Yes thanks

Why are you awake?

Are you okay?

I exited my messages and placed my phone on the side table. How was I supposed to answer that? She couldn't know. No one could.

I scrolled through my phone instead, looking at nothing in particular or interesting, just something to keep me busy. I smiled when I saw an edit of the picture Y/n and I had posted on my instagram, the comments and captions gushing over the possibility of a new album and the collaboration. I held back a laugh seeing all the people placing a bet on the fact that she would be singing on track five. If only they knew that we would be doing the entire album together. I read a little further, regretting it as soon as the next words hit me in the chest like a wave.

'And you all thought they weren't friends anymore.'

So that's what the public thought now. That our friendship had never been shattered into a million pieces. That once upon a time, Y/n's name had never spelled out pain.

I tiptoed into the kitchen, over to the cupboard, past the stacked boxes of beers and an overwhelm of candles still in their packaging that I couldn't find anywhere else for, an intricate path of obstacles until my hand closed around a wooden box. The one place no one would search or expect to find a secret.

I didn't take my eyes off the box as I walked back to the sofa, my thumb running over the smooth, golden wood. I sat down, cross-legged on the chair and opened it, taking out the letter inside. I pulled the ribbon and the paper uncurled in my hand to reveal the words crafted by sloping, cursive letters.

I knew the entire double sided letter of my heart. But I read it all over again anyway.

..........................................................................

February 2020

I sat curled up under the covers in the curtain-drawn room, phone clutched in my hand and eyes glued to the screen. The video had been on repeat for who knows how long, the sun shining onto her hair, her skin glowing, her same smile bright and unchanged. I searched Y/n's eyes to find some glimmer of negative emotion, a sign that I wasn't the only one falling apart across the dark, churning sea she had put between us. But I couldn't find anything.

I didn't pay attention to the words of the interviewer or hers for that matter, having established that the discussion was centred around the charity work Y/n was doing while we were in lockdown. People were calling her a hero. She was flying to each corner of the internet to spread awareness and bring help to as many people as she could, trying to save lost faces within the storm society had been thrown into. But that wasn't the reason I was watching the video.

I couldn't take my eyes away from the necklace around her neck, aching at the memory of wrapping it in dainty, blue tissue paper and the grin on her face when she let me place it around her neck. Y/n had buried my existence and acted as if we'd never been friends yet here she was, still wearing the same jewellery, the ones that I gave her. I couldn't help but laugh a little, as if I was a mad woman. Surely she couldn't be over us either.

A shrill ring cut through the house and I dragged myself out of bed, only just catching sight of the red van as it drove down the road. I groaned, stumbling out of my bedroom and down the stairs to the post scattered across my doormat. I went into the kitchen and dumped the pile onto the table, pushing away the discarded take away boxes and beer bottles to make space. I discarded each letter one by one, most containing bills I would deal with later or advertisements I had no interest in. My heart froze as soon as I saw her handwriting, my name and address swooping across the dull white envelope.

My hands trembled as I walked back to my room with the letter clutched in my grasp, my breathing sharp. I lowered myself to the floor and leant against the bed, pulling up my knees and opening up the envelope. I held the letter up in the dim light and began to read.

Taylor,

I tried contacting you but you've blocked me on everything so I decided my best option was to send you a letter. Perhaps you'll rip this up as soon as you see the signature but maybe you'll hear me out, I'll take the chance. At least you can't block me this way.

I hope you're doing well.

I choked back a laugh. She hoped I was doing well? I had tried to lie and convince myself I was doing better without her, that I was fine with my current situation. But in reaIity, it was late afternoon and I was here in a dark room lit only by candles tipping back bottles of beer while occasional tears dribbled down my cheek. And she drowned my every thought.

There's no way of putting this except I fucked up. Big time. What I did wasn't right, no matter how I felt and the fall of our relationship shouldn't have happened the way it did. I didn't mean to hurt you Taylor. Please hear me out.

The letters blurred as my eyes followed each line, a blunt blade scratching at the insides of my throat and the paper strewn with more and more blotches as time went on. Each time I read my name, it felt like she had aimed it at my heart, clear blood gushing down my cheeks as the sound replayed over and over in my head. She had scribbled it down so many times it almost sounded like a curse.

I know I don't deserve your forgiveness; I don't think you'll ever speak to me again. But I'm hurting. I can't get you out of my head. You linger in my every memory, I see us everywhere. I hear your voice wherever I go, on the vinyls of all your stolen music when I can't sleep, in the street, or when I look too far back into the past. I should ignore it, I don't deserve relief from this pain. But I can't walk away from us without trying. This is the only time I will try to seek your forgiveness or heal our friendship. I want us back. I want you back.

I wiped away my tears, furious that I had wasted so many on her. So I was haunting her, was that it? Y/n was blaming me for the pain she'd inflicted upon herself? She knew I didn't ever want to haunt her, that I would never even think about it. But she fucking left me. She had made me the ghost I was. What had she expected? Did she really think for a second that setting me on fire wouldn't change her, wouldn't burn her so she was left to be ash like me?

I shook my head as tears burned my eyes. She was tossing out the cause of the wrinkles in her life that she couldn't iron out onto me. I held the letter against my chest and threw my head back so I was staring up at the ceiling, letting the wrath and gut-wrenching heartache ripping through my body consume me.

"Fuck you," I screamed up at the sky, my fists clenched, "fuck you Y/n." I shook my head, fighting back what was building in my eyes, not wanting to feed her words with what they wanted. I didn't know if they were fake, if she only wanted to silence her guilt or if she actually missed me. I didn't care either way.

After being so close to someone, after fighting and bleeding for them, their presence and person impacted you so deep it cut marks into your bones. And they would never fade away. So no matter how much she had ignored common sense, breaking away from me and cutting ties would never cure the ache in her bones. Our bodies would forever remember and miss the soul who had once consumed so much of our being.

I wished that all the splatters of tears I had shed over her absence, her betrayal, would ricochet and vanish from her hands. Because she deserved nothing from me. Not even my grief. 

A/n - A short chapter today.

A tiny bit of angst this chapter and the first official flashback... 👀

Have fun finding all the references!