Eternal Winters
The snow kissed my nose and I sneezed hard.
"Amaryllis Noelle Velasco." I graduated my final year in high school virtually. I didn't receive any merits or awards because I was an irregular student.
I was homeschooled while staying at the states on a university at Manila on my final semester on my final year.
Nasa balcony ako ngayon ng maliit kong apartment dito sa New Jersey. It's October and it's already snowing. Nakaharap ako sa phone ko na nilalamig din. I decided to have my afternoon musings here at my balcony habang tinitingnan ang video na naka-play sa phone ko.
I'll be applying for college next year because I'm still contemplating whether or not I'll be studying here. But I don't feel like coming back home sa Pinas.
I'm attached to the cold here, and to the soft snow.
I scoffed to myself. I'm always attached to everything cold, huh.
On my first week here, mama checked me in this prestigious apartment at New York City. It was a wonderful vacation with lots and lots of snow. I was strolling alone around New York and I spent my New Year's Eve alone as well.
You know that feeling where you're in a big city and you're alone? You feel two things. The flames of excitement, then the wave of anxiousness wash over.
When my vacation was supposed to be 'over' I insisted on mama to stay a bit longer, for three days.
And that three days turned to me finishing my final semester here.
The school I'm attending at Cebu didn't allow me having an online class, so mama transferred me to a school in Manila, and I finish my high school there.
I also moved to New Jersey because I got extremely overwhelmed in New York. And I also moved to a smaller space because I was starting to feel lonely in my big New York apartment.
Liza yelled at me in a call that March. Bakit daw hindi ako nagpaalam at sinabihan siya. I kind of miss her.
Two months nalang, it's our yearly reunion.
And it's almost a year since that incident.
I'd be lying if I say that I never thought of him, that I have already forgotten him. Because the truth is, I haven't.
That no matter how cold I am in this new country, my heart still burns and it aches. My anger and heartache are slowly calming down but it's still in embers.
Tumayo ako at pumunta sa mga patay na kahoy. The snow fell on my head and I tried to get a few of the snowflakes. There was fog coming out from my mouth every time I breathe out.
To calm my burning heart, I have to submerge myself in deep snow, in frozen hours, and in eternal winters.
"Happy birthday to me... Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to me..." I stared at the cake I bought at a local cake shop. The candles were lit and it said, "20".
Silence was my companion as I looked around at my dim-lit apartment with no one around.
I sighed and slowly blew my cake alone.
I enrolled myself at a private university in the same state I was living in. I've finally decided na dito ako mag college. My parents were supportive but they want me to always call and message them.
This is my first time being away from them, honestly. The first months was pure torment. My longing for my them grew day by day and I sometimes weep alone in my apartment. Malamig ako at mag-isa lang.
