Cold Christmas
Tiningnan ko ang plane ticket sa mga kamay ko. Am I fucking serious this time?
This plane ticket costed me three thousand dollars, what did I just do? Sobrang miss ko na ba ang pamilya ko na bumili ako ng ticket na hindi nag iisip?!
I stared at the plane ticket I just booked online. Yes! I bought a plane ticket to Philippines. And I'm flying on 1:00 AM on December 22! It's around 2 in the afternoon in Philippines time.
I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Am I actually going home?
Itetext ko ba pamilya ko o ano?
But they will know anytime. Makikita nila na may ginasto akong malaki.
That afternoon, I started packing up my bags. It feels surreal to be honest. I'm not sure if it is the good type of surreal or the bad type of surreal. But I feel so weird inside. My stomach is churning out of excitement and nervousness. Excitement because I get to see my family and relatives again, and nervousness because I feel like a part of me will get burned once I step a foot on Philippines.
Maliit lang ang dinala ko dahil babalik din naman ako. I'll book a ticket going back here again.
Huhu, my saved allowance money is going down the drain because of my loneliness.
I decided to sleep and rest after packing my things up dahil maaga pa ako sa airport mamaya. When I woke up, I was devoured by a random panic attack. I was shaking and I was catching my breath. My thoughts were scrambled and I couldn't form a proper one.
I calmed down after a few minutes and cried. A whirl of emotions splashed in me and I can't bottle it all in. I cried for an hour.
When I finally calmed down, kumain na ako ng hapunan. It was a frozen pizza that I have to microwave. The taste was bland but it will do. I drank a glass of champagne before packing up my things again.
Wearing a black tee and dark pants, I got off from the uber. I only brought one maleta with a few clothes and footwear. It's twelve midnight and my flight is in a few hours, siguro matulog muna ako sa airport. Medyo pagod pa ako at inaantok.
When I boarded up the plane, I felt so many tingling sensations inside my body. I even feel like vomiting while sitting at the window seat. I tried to relax and just sleep. When I awoke, the flight attendant was bringing out breakfast. As usual, airline food lacks flavor and texture. The more I ate, the more my stomach churned. The plane's roaring engines are making my head and ears hurt. The lights were bothering me, too.
I'm holding my bread with butter between my fingers and I felt my hands shake with anxiety and all the bottled-up feelings. I swallowed a lump in my throat as I feel my chest heaving.
"Are you okay, miss?" ani ng katabi ko. I slowly nodded without looking at her. "Do you want me to call a cabin crew?"
"N-No, please. Thanks." Bulong ko.
"Alright."
The whole plane ride I was either sleeping or staring outside the window.
I haven't messaged my parents yet, or any of my family members at the Philippines. Wala ring mensahe galing kay mama at papa. Are they busy?
Anways, I'm not sure how they'll react. I was very opposed on coming home for years, and suddenly, uuwi ako!
And on 25th, they're having our annual reunion. And I'll be home. I'll be fucking home. I am on my way home.
And they don't know!
How will they fucking react?!
I slept the fourth time and when I woke up, we're thirty minutes before landing. Nanginginig nanaman ako. Ano kaya ang bago sa Cebu?
