Eternally Yours: A Letter To My FWB

Eternally Yours

Before, I was a fun-loving, goofy young man that believed in spontaneous laughter and was full of joy. I was confident in myself, I was goal oriented and I trusted easily. I took pride in living a life most others could only dream of, and I was quick to give. So much so, that I'd often find myself suffering from it, just to bounce back and start helping others again.

  The following 10 years would leave me alone and broken, with everyone I had loved, turning their backs to me. All those that I helped throughout the years, be it financially or emotionally, would act as if I no longer existed now that I was in such a dark place in life.

  My previous partner had belittled me, humiliated me personally and publicly, and she had deceived me in more ways than you can imagine. I had spent so long being tormented, and trying to hold it all together, that I lost grip of myself. I had forgotten who I was. I was desperately trying to reach out to my family for support, but nobody would be there for me.

I was suffocating in the depths of my own despair. Humbled by a life of instability and uncertainty. Having never known the feeling of having any type of support system behind me. Nobody in my life ever seemed to value my presence.

  I was homeless more often than not. Somehow holding down two jobs and paying the bills for my ex narcissist and my children so they could live comfortably. My own brother refused to allow me to stay with him. A brother of which I had supported financially and housed him free of rent or any bills. I wanted him to get up on his feet again and thrive in life. And like most others, when he was thriving, he had no use for me.

  When I first met you online, I was so desperate to be understood and accepted by anyone. I was looking for a friend on a dating app. But the moment my honesty came out, women would forget my existence. I didn't tell the the full truth, though. That I was currently homeless, living in my vehicle. Giving them just a small fraction of the truth would run them off.

  I felt hopeless. In my mind I was a loser, a desperate man with no hope of doing better for myself, due to the financial situation and still prioritizing the comfort of my children despite me being homeless and showering out of a sink at the city park late evenings.

  I watched my own family kiss the ass of the woman who destroyed my life. My family that watched her continue to torment me and humiliate me on social media even after I'd given her everything I could give her, and done everything in my power to make her happy before the fallout, and to save the marriage after the fallout.

  I was so stuck self defense mode when you and I first started talking, that I was a complete asshole to you in the beginning. I was trying to be someone I was not. Women forfeited my presence with my 'nice guy' attitude, so I'd began pretending to be a bit arrogant and quick to express my disproval of them.

  I was heavily guarded and I wouldn't tell you much about myself at first. Because I was afraid you'd use it against me and try to sucker me in by pretending to be the kind of woman I hoped for. But I was no longer interested in a relationship. I made it clear in the beginning that I would live my life only for my children, and friends is all we could ever be. Friends with benefits at most.

  I convinced you eventually that being friends with benefits is all I was interested in, because I had no time in my life for acquaintances or insignificant people. I suckered you in and I was using you as an online FWB, and I still wouldn't open up very much.

  Doing so, I began to learn more about you. I thought you were just some city girl who liked to drink and party, probably hung out with guys all the time and would never be my type.

  I began to realize, you drank because you were lonely. You didn't party. You were a homebody. Your favorite activity was getting drunk and reading Manga. You were a bit nerdy, had this strong mindset and was very confident in yourself.

  The more we video called, the more I saw how some people would cower in your presence, though you spoke politely. We became closer and you opened up so much to me. I was careful not to give enough about my personality away to you, and that's how I slowly learned that you were so much like me, it was astonishing.

  Although we come from very different backgrounds, me being a trucker from the mountains of East Tennessee - you being an assistant accounting manager in the large city of Cebu in the Philippines, we somehow seemed to have been molded into the same person.

  In my overactive brain, I picture us being a like a gearing system. We are built the same in the center, very strongly. Yet, our outer edges are perfectly crafted differently. In such a way that we fit into each other like the teeth on a gear, filling each other's gaps to keep one another turning.

  The more I opened up to you about my history and the challenges I was facing in life, the more emotionally supportive you would become. You would sit and listen to my stories and cry. If I cried, you cried, simply because you can't handle seeing me hurt.

  You made me realize that for once in my life, I'd never again have to face my challenges alone. You were there for me in ways that I could never expect anyone to be.

  Because of your empathy, ability to listen and your never-ending words of encouragement, my PTSD has slowly began to fade. The nightmares I had so often have become less and less frequent. You've helped me to find myself again. The joy in life again. I find myself becoming a better version of the 'me' that I was even before my down spiral.

  No longer do I expect to find a woman to have a tolerable relationship with. With you, I've learned to love myself again and take better care of myself. I no longer have to suppress who I am.
 
  After spending so many years being belittled and having my intelligence insulted daily, you - a woman who's certainly qualified to comment on someone's intellectual ability- seem to be mesmerized by my brain's capacity.

  Even if you find history boring, you accepted and encouraged my deep obsession with history. You listen while I go on about it, sometimes even for hours. I no longer have to hide who I am, or my interests or aspirations. Rather, you encourage me to follow them. And you encourage it without saying a word.

  You've been there and accepted me in the darkest point of my life. A time of which I lost sight of who I was, and morality had become a blurred line in my life.

  You are the most beautiful person I've ever known. You have strong willpower and certainly an independent woman. Yet, so submissive and compassionate, even protective of me because you know I allow people to use me and hurt me emotionally. I would have never believed a woman like you existed.

  This year we both turned 33 yrs old. 33 is our number. It marks the age, the beginning of a new era. We were first friends, then FWBs. Turned eternal lovers, and now, business partners. We have recently stuck our feet in the door of real estate together.

  With my overactive and uniquely creative business mindset, and your expansive knowledge and experience in a corporate business world, and both of us being empaths, having the ability to feel and read others - we are more than a couple. We are a power couple and a force to be reckoned with. And this marks the beginning of our own personal love story. Happy birthday mahal ko.

                               Yours eternally,

                                Jordan Blake