Passed away

5/06/15

I just woke up from a nightmare and felt sweat dribbling down my back. I could feel dried out tears on my cheeks. My breathing was a bit heavy, but slowly started to calm down. I stood up and walked towards my mirror. I was a mess. This all was a mess.

Yesterday had made such a big impact on me. He just wasn't the man I expected to see. He didn't even look like my dad anymore or the person where I used to look up to. He was just a man. Those words literally kill me.

I looked at myself carefully. There were bags underneath my eyes, my hair was wet because of sweat and make-up was smudged all over my face. Tears appeared underneath my eyes, slowly streaming down my cheeks. Was this me? Was this my life? What if this never would come to an end? What if my dad never was able to recover again? What if? What if...

I couldn't think properly anymore, my mind was too full of things that made me feel anxious. My hands, legs and after a while my whole body started shaking. My breath went out of control and I gasped. Everything started spinning and my sight got blurry. I tried to grab something to hold on to, but I missed. Everything got too much and then I fell down the floor. I wanted to scream, but nothing but a few soft, weird sounds came out of my throat. I was in the middle of my room trying to keep my breathing under control. I needed help. I couldn't do this alone. Where's my mum?

"Mum?"

Was the only thing I could squeeze out of my throat. Not that it helped, because it was very soft.

Then I heard my mum's voice in the other room. She tried to call me, but I couldn't answer.

"Elizabeth?"

No sound.

"Hey!? Elizabeth?"

And again she didn't hear a thing. She called me one more time and then she came walking into my room.

"Oh my god, sweetheart! What happened?"

She kneeled down and started hugging me. And for one time I just cried everything out. I needed to let it go. My mum sat me on my bed and went to get a towel. She had put some cold water on it, so she could wipe away the sweat on my forehead and wipe away my tears.

"It was hard, wasn't it?"

I nodded. I couldn't talk. Well, maybe I could. I just didn't want to and my mum understood.

"I thought maybe you should write a letter to him, before he'll come home. It's easier to write things down."

"I'll try."

I had a soar throat, so my voice sounded a bit weird.

Did I want to write him a letter? Would he then finally understand how I exactly felt? So many questions that were unanswered and I needed the answers now. Why did it all went like this was the main question I wanted to be answered, but it would at the same time the hardest one to be answered.