a rant about this fucked up life

HeartBreak If Fucking Painful

Chapter 11 HeartBreak Is Fucking Painful

Have you ever had your heart crushed to smithereens by the one person you thought loved you back in the same way.

Well, I know why they call it a crush.

My "Crush" has literly crushed me. I've loved this boy who opened a path of light out of my dark depression for almost 3 years now. And on May 30th 2015 he said he dident like me back and said he wanted to stay friends.

You all must be thinking it's just some stupid crush I have. No. Not at all.

This boy saved me from sucide countless times and now he won't so much as look at me with out being awkward.

He has never known how many times he saved me. He dosent even know what he saved me from. He disent know that he even saved me.

Yes I'm talking about the boy in my life story who in invited me to play with him in our stupid elementary school.

And no wonder I fell.

The most saddest look was in his eyes as we first met knowing I was lonely and later as I would find out that someone close had died right before his eyes.

They had withered away for so long and he and his brother barely got a change to know them.

And that sadness I see in his eyes to this day.

And now mine have been replaced with that kind if sadness too.

I messed up too big this time. And now I'm paying the price for it, with a heartbreak that's never leaving an more sadness and pain to add to my huge burden or hopelessness.

You all must think I'm a stupid love suck puppy.

Mabey I am. But I have a reason that's full of pain for us both.

And I know I'm a little angry because he never saw it But if I ever mend my heart I'll keep following him. Even now. I can't let go, not now not for sometime.

I'm sorry guys. I'm in lots of pain in the moment. And I feel sick like I'm full and dint need food and I don't eat something And at midnight I'm starving and I don't so much as budge an inch.

I make myself sick over missing him. And I can't stop it.

I don't know what else is left I know I'm gonna be left in the dust this summer by him. And that hurts the most, knowing everyone I see him that he dosent return the feelings I keep bottled up so we can be best friends.

And I'm sick of it.

I'm tired.

I'm sad.

I'm just sick of it all.

Why do we fall for the heartbreaker and when we fix ourselves knowing that we'll get hurt try again to gain their affections.

I dunno. But I do know it hurts.

Let me know if any if you have been heartbroken and how to deal with it. It would be easyer if I knew how to deal.

Thanks.

-Samantha.