Saeko (BL)

Ch-16 Sorting the pieces

We don't think about things until they start affecting us. I didn't know what grief was till I lost my older sister. And I didn't think about being liked by a boy before.

I like being around Hikari. That isn't a difficult question.

But there are many more things to consider when someone likes you. It would be simpler if he were a girl, right? But then Hikari wouldn't be Hikari. He would have grown up differently and have different ideas. He would behave differently, and maybe then he wouldn't even like me.

No. This isn't about him, it's about me. He gave me his feelings, and now I have to think of an answer. Telling someone you don't hate them, isn't the same as saying that you like them. I mean, a different kind of like. Where you'd want to live with them or kiss them and hold them.

I considered Yamato a really good guy because he didn't talk about girls like that. Or maybe, he noticed that I don't do it, so he tried not to make me uncomfortable. Kobayashi was just another classmate who stood out with her good grades and being the Class Prez. Other than that, my friends from Middle school weren't any special for me to remember in fond memories. We were a group of gruff boys who played soccer and saved pocket money to buy manga.

Those were people in my life, with their little roles. Some of them were important, but they still had a defined line that they couldn't cross. Mom, Dad, Saeko, Yamato and Kobayashi all fit into the assigned moulds of parents, siblings, friends and acquaintances.

When Hikari kissed me, he crossed that line.

I touched my lips with my finger and remembered it. "It's different."

At that moment, I had opened my mouth to say something, but only a surprised gasp came out. He put a finger on my lips and shook his head. He did not want a hurried answer from me, and I didn't really have an answer either. After a few seconds of hesitantly glancing at me, he ran away in the opposite direction and I started walking towards my house.

I passed by the next bus stop and decided to wait for a bit. My legs were sore from standing and walking so much, so I sat down and decided to wait for a bus.

"What a fine day, and we meet again!" Did I really have to run into Chiharu right now? "Wow, you look more depressed than last time, what happened?" And she started giggling.

"What is so funny?" I frowned at her. "Why are you in this area?"

"I'm going to meet up with a friend for dinner. Then we'll go for a drink." She paused for a second and looked at me. "Look at me, talking about alcohol in front of a minor! You're not like, twelve years old, are you?" I glared at her and she kept laughing. "I'm just kidding, jeez! Who got you so angry?"

I sighed. "I'm not angry, sorry."

"It's fine, it's fine. But, what got you so stressed out of nowhere?"

I didn't know what I could tell her. We hadn't contacted again after we saw that painting of hers, and I won't call us close enough to be talking about personal matters. I got lost in what I was thinking earlier, and the fact that she was, maybe still waiting for a response slipped my mind. After a while, a cat jumped off a wall and it caught my attention. I looked at Chiharu smiling and looking at me.

"Done with your internal monologue?" She asked cheerfully.

"Uh... yeah. Sorry, I was spacing out." I scratched the back of my head. "Can I... Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer seriously, but- I'd like to know what you think."

"Sure, ask away." She smiled and waited patiently as I formed the question in my head.

"A guy told me he likes me." I looked down at my feet. "And I'm not planning to reject him," I said in the bare minimum volume so that only she could hear me. A bus came by, stopped and went away. No passengers got in or got down. She did not answer. "You don't have anything to say?"

"Wait, that's it?" She asked and genuinely sounded surprised.

"What do you mean, 'that's it'? It's a big deal, and I'm very confused." I folded up my arms. She looked me up and down and then sat down beside me.

"You're not going to reject him, that's the end of it. What else are you confused about? If it was about being gay or something like that, then I would get it. But you're not disgusted by him, and I assume you like him enough to accept. What has got you so twisted?" She asked and I didn't know what to say. 

"Fine, let me ask you something then. Does it seem weird that he likes you?"

"Not really. We had gotten very close, closer than I was with my other friends. So it wasn't too surprising. Maybe if I knew he liked guys then I wouldn't be surprised." I answered.

"Okay, okay." She said and did not laugh anymore. "Is it the rude kid you were with the last time? Did Hikari ask you out? Didn't think he'd have the guts to, honestly."

"What do you mean?"

"He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd ask for what he wants so directly, your sister was like that too. Maybe you really made him feel like he had a chance." She thoughtfully said. Then, she took out her phone and started typing on it, simultaneously while talking. "Saeko was like that-" 

"This isn't about her!" I think I raised my volume a little. "I miss her, and I do want to know her... but this is about me and Hikari- I- I don't want to keep spiralling back to her. Whenever we're together, it's always Saeko this and Saeko that! He likes me, he said it himself!" I didn't meet her eyes, but I had a sense that she was smiling. "But what if he liked her, and I'm the closest thing available?"

That was my real fear. Maybe he liked her very much, but she wouldn't like him back. Or maybe she was dating him, and he didn't tell me. I do like him, I don't want to reject him. But... I don't want to become a replacement. I should trust him to tell me something as important as that, but he won't tell me anything. He won't tell me where he met her. He still didn't trust me enough to tell me about Yuki, he hasn't let me enter his life yet. But I still like him.

Chiharu stood up. "Ehh, I'm late! I need to take a cab now, or I won't make it in time!" She looked at me hurriedly. "Go make things clear with that kid. And just know one thing, you're nothing like her. Actually, he's more similar to her, Eh, maybe without the temper?"

"If you're in that much hurry then just go!" I rolled my eyes at her. "You've not been any helpful, by the way."

"I think I've been plenty helpful though." She smirked at me and dramatically waved goodbye.

I went home thinking about Hikari. She said, "You're nothing like her."

That's true. I was nothing like Saeko. We didn't even look any similar, she was small and she always smiled. I am tall and the best I can do is not frown. She was kind and I am selfish. She was forgiving and I hold grudges. I was nothing like my sister.

The next day I went to school, but Hikari wasn't present. I didn't know his address, and he wasn't in my class either. School ended and Yamato told me to not worry too much, but I did.

I walked outside the gate and got a phone call.