Cloudy

For Grandad

I quite often look back and regret not spending as much time as I could have with my grandad. It's funny when I think about it because my mum did say "Spend more time with nana and grandad because they are old and they won't be around forever." The timeline in my ad from his passing and my mum saying that puts it about a week apart, but I know the time in between was much larger.

I know my guilt is self-inflicted. But, it is true - I should have spent more time with him. As a child I remember begging to spend the weekend with nana and Grandad, and then I grew up and it wasn't 'cool' to hang out with your grandparents. How stupid and ridiculous is that!

Anyway, it took a lot of time for my memories to turn from sad reminders to happy moments. But, even now while I label them happy moments, they are still tinged blue. Every now and then my nieces or nephews say something that throws me back in time to something my grandad said. Those memories are blissful but they are also sneak attacks.

I have faith he is looking down and is proud of the things I do and have done. He is proud of me. On nights when I feel particularly alone, I look up outside and say goodnight to the stars because nana said to look for the brightest one - the brightest star in the sky is grandad. I tell him about all new things, good and bad that have happened or are still in motion. I tell my grandad all the things I am happy about, excited about, sad about and what I worry about the most. I know I will never get a reply but it is nice to tell my grandad these things.

On occasion, when I am feeling down, I talk to the sky or to his picture. He was always there and ready to listen. He was a great listener and he could fix almost any problem.

I hope he is proud of me.