Cloudy

For Mum

My mum was a tough lady. Still is. But, it seems like time has softened her but not in the softer and gentler kind of way. The kind of softening that makes her question if we - her children - still need our mum. She questions now, more than ever if she is needed here, what her purpose is and how bad would it really be, is she just -let go?

I think her children growing up and leaving home to begin their own lives and follow their own paths was the worst thing that could have happened to her. Some days it seems like she is really trying to re-find her calling or her purpose. But most days it seems like she has given up - lost hope.

For me it is deeply saddening to hear most of her children - my siblings do not reach out to talk or keep her updated on their lives. It is almost as if they have forgotten about her.

I understand they have their issues and 'childhood trauma' to deal with, but, don't we all? I know I have my issues such as the contract is had to sign as a child to "control my emotions better" simply because my mum decided I was too emotional. But this is my issue and I really think she was trying to help. She did and she didn't. It began the repressing of my emotions and it was a tough habit to break and re-learn my emptions and feelings are valid and it is okay to express them. I have decided to deal with these 'childhood trauma's" by myself. Partly because I know my mum will get defensive and deny I had a bad childhood. She is right - my childhood was not bad, it just had bad moments. For me.

I think the misunderstanding of our childhood is okay, mum didn't experience our childhood like we did. So to her, it was sunshine and roses. To us, it was indeed sunshine and roses, but there were a few thorns and thistles in there too. Her denial and immediate defensiveness is her inner child. It is her defense mechanism - we all have one, so why should we be angry with hers?

My mum isn't and has never been a bad mum but she has been tough, caring, kind and little bit scary. She has changed, her toughness seems more like a façade she uses to try protect herself from others hurting her. She tends, to hurt them before they hurt you - I learnt this from her too. She is less scary but appears more scared, scared of what to do next, what awaits for her in the future. But, she is still caring and kind. I think we - her children, have all but misunderstood her all these years.

I spent considerable time being angry with my mum over these things and others, but anger doesn't do anyone any good. I regret not putting my issues aside and being more present for mum. I Admit, my siblings and I have not always treated her kindly and that is a fault of our own we all need to work on and apologize for.

She is my mum and I will always need my mum. Whether she knows it or not.