Elvira's Letters

Chapter 6

They released me according to Felicia's assumptions. I could go back to Marjorie. Well.. I had to explain to her what was on my mind to run away. I preferred not to talk about it. Silently think about my next move. Well, I was being watched. However, when I wasn't Marjorie, someone else could potentially be doing it. I didn't know what to do anymore. If I ran away again and someone caught me, the woman wouldn't give me another chance. After all, everyone's patience has to run out sometime. Marjorie was no exception. The moment of conversation has come. It had to come sometime. Despite spending a week thinking about what to do next, I didn't know what to say to the woman. I wasn't prepared for it. Luckily for me, neither was she. I could feel that. She didn't know how to start a conversation, and neither did I. But we both knew this was the moment we needed to clear things up. We sat in silence, staring at each other. I wiped my glasses. I always do this when I'm very stressed. After all, Marjorie could have given me an ultimatum and kick me out like any other person to do. It was at that moment that I realized that something was really wrong. Not only with me, but also with Marjorie. I was surprised that she and Feliciya were the only ones who showed me unconditional sympathy. The woman took a very deep breath and began to speak.
Elvira.. I would like to talk about a situation that happened quite recently. I know this can be hard for you and that you may not be mentally ready for this, but trust me, neither am I. It is hard for me, talking to you about this too. I wish you would finally trust me a little bit... - Marjorie began.
Listen.. I really want to, but I can't. I am very grateful to you, but I cannot trust anyone. To be honest, I didn't even fully trust my ex-husband. Everyone in my life has hurt me constantly. Since elementary school! People first pretended to like me and then turned their backs on me, mocked me, despised me... I don't even trust myself... - I replied sadly.
I see. But you'll have to trust me... if you don't, I'll have to throw you out of my house. I really don't want to, but Ryan leaves me no choice. For a long time I feel that my marriage is falling apart, and now Ryan has a great reason to divorce me ... - said Marjorie, clearly broken.
I'm so sorry... -  I wanted to start.
Please.. don't blame yourself, okay? However, what you do is up to you. I can't influence you in any way, so you have to decide what your move will be. I have to go now, - Marjorie finished.
After this dialogue I realized how broken and wasted person I was. I didn't trust anybody. Even myself. So how could I trust Marjorie...? I had one thing I could do. Work on it. Learn how to trust myself. I felt the time had come. I lived in fear for 27 years. It was finally the time to end it. After all, I can live at home with Marjorie, who has already formed an opinion of me, or live on the street. I couldn't choose what was worse.. I thought for a few days.. for a few days, but finally I came to the conclusion that I have to start on my own and not bother the girls. After all, the change has to be in me. I started going for long walks, picking flowers and making wreaths. I was finally free, but something wasn't right. I had no idea what to do. Always in my life someone chose my next step. Whether it's an enemy or an ex-husband. They pushed me so there was no turning back. Even though I was free and no one decided for me, I couldn't trust myself even here.
I decided to confide in Felicia. After all, she used to be a psychologist. We agreed to go to the park. The woman surprised me again. She dyed her hair a beautiful and natural shade of blonde. She wore them in gorgeous braids, intertwined with a red ribbon that matched the color of her blouse. Scarlet emphasized the depth of her blue eyes so beautifully .. There was something about Felicia that made it impossible to take your eyes off her. She radiated joy and never lost the smile on her face. I confided in her and she booked me an appointment to the best psychologist in town. Although, in my opinion, she was the best, not only in the city, but in the world. She didn't judge. She made me feel better for a while. Everything seemed easier with her. I was curious as to why she was no longer a therapist, but I preferred not to bring up the subject, because I knew from my own experience that such conversations can cause such pain.