The devil on my shoulder

Chapter 3 Why not

Lexy's pov
I walk and sit down with the others. " dude do you have your dice on you?" Mic asks turning his head towards me " of course I always do." I respond " you guys are such fucking nerd." Stella says " shut the fuck up Stella" J says kinda pissed off " so let's start the game." J says as Stella leaves to hang out with her other friend group. —> —> time skip —> —>
We played dnd for the majority of free period. I'm glad I have friends like mic,J, and Alex there always there for me. I wish they didn't have to be. I'm just wasting their time. Mic and J have there own problems to deal with. J and mic have home problems both of there parents are divorced and there mom's are abusive psychos both of there dad's are cool though. I think they're so close because they have such similar trauma. Alex doesn't have it as bad her parents love her and there well off financially, however she has some mental problems. that she gets bullied for. She's autistic, has adhd, and a couple other things I can't remember. She's really good at masking it.
It was the end of the day and everyone one was packing up for the day. I finished packing up and start to walk out the classroom to walk home." Hey dude me, you and Eva still on for this weekend right?" Alex asked me " of course I would never bail on you" I say reassuring her. —> —> time skip—> —>
I make it home race to my room and face plant on my bed. I stay like that for a little bit before grabbing my phone and going into my notes app. I klick on one tilted " the sword of life chapter 15" I have been writing a book for a couple of months now and I'm finally getting to the good part's. The story is about this trans masc elf named jacks who got killed by their adopted parent's. And now with the help of their best friend and crush they try to come back to life. ( this is a story I'm writing along with the one you're reading if you're interested) —> —> time skip —> —>
I finished chapter 20 and set my phone down. I don't know what going on with my head right now I feel like such shit and keep acting like I have it so bad. Like I know my life is shitty that's something I bond with my friends about. It's not that my life is so treasurers that I want to die this bad. I just think I'm in the way. Like I don't deserve to live. I don't think any of my friends even like me they just feel bad. I suddenly feel water rolling I my down my face. Gods now I'm crying. How am I this pathetic. I get up from my bed wear I have been sitting for hours I walk out of my room to the bathroom I know none of my family will see me it's pretty late. I grab some toilet paper and my knife. I stop for a moment and look at my thighs all the scars from over the years and *slash* I add on to them. —> time skip —> ( I didn't want to write that cause I know that a sensitive topic for some) I Finnish cleaning up the blood on my legs and flush the toilet paper. I go back to my room hiding my knife. I lay down in my bed and feel tears drawn from my eyes once again. I was tired now checking the time to see I fell asleep well I was still crying. —> —> —> —> time skip like 3. Weeks —> —> —> —>
I walk through my school for one last time. Today is the day my last day. After school I'm finally going to be free I'm no longer going to be a burden no longer going to be in the way. I won't have to question my gender no longer. I won't have to deal with anymore of my body dysphoria. I won't have to hate myself!This is my last day I can do whatever I want, and that's exactly what I'm going to do!
I get to my first class sit at my seat. "Good morning " Ayden says sitting next to me "mornin" I reply " how ya doing" I ask him "meh" he replies. A little later the others get to school and class starts. I didn't pay attention I didn't need to. The beginning of the day was normal as except. today I wasn't being a "people pleaser " as Alex and Ayden put it. It was lunchtime and we were walking to the cafeteria. I'm glad I get to spend my last day with my friends. I also got to spend time with my siblings yesterday. I'll miss them. Well if there's an afterlife. Me leaving is the best thing I can do for them. " Lexy-lex you doing okay " Alex asks me snapping me out of my trance. "Y- yeah " I say. We were at the cafeteria now. We sit down and start talking. For some reason I couldn't stop looking at Ayden. Strands of his dirty strawberry blonde hair falling in front of his face. The sparkling I. His hazel eyes when he laughs. Just everything about him seems so perfect. Just more proof I need to leave. I'm no we're close to perfect I'm the opposite. I'm just going to mess things up for him. "Lexy! Stop checking out Ayden and be apart of the conversation!" Stella says practically yelling. " I was not!" I said loudly. "Awwww " Alex says I look over to her with a 'not now bitch' look "sorry . . . " Alex says " it's fine " the rest of the group teases me before they get back to their original conversation. —> —> time skip—> —>
It was free period now and we were playing DND. " god can this be any more boring " Stella says "if you so bored then leave" I say " what?!" Stella says " I said if you're so bored then leave no one wants to hear you complain" I reply " why are you being such an asshole!?" She wines like a brat " cause I can, oh and you're a total dick-head all the time." I snap at her she doesn't say anything just gets up and leaves "damn" mic say "finally" J says with a breath. For the rest of the day Stella leaves 🍃 us alone. I wanted to leave on a good note with everyone so for the rest of the day I was as nice as possible to everyone except Stella. Alex pointed this out by saying and I quote "people pleaser". The day went faster than I thought. Instead of walking to home I walk to the old bridge over the highway leading to the woods. It was my favorite place me, Eva and sometimes Alex would go and play. We look at the never ending cars pass. We would explore the woods. And overall have fun as if the trouble of the world didn't exist. I haven't been able to talk to Eva in forever she's two grades above me so we never get to talk during the week and haven't hung out or even talked in so long we used to be like twins with how close we were but I feel I'm losing her I'm losing her and my will to live slowly. Right now it feels they are both all gone. I want to say I don't know what one hurts more but I know it's losing her. I set my bag down and grab out my notebook turn to a blank page and begin "dear friends and family I wanted all of you to know how much I cared and loved you. ______ and _______ my parents/gardens who adopted me. you were unaware of what you were doing how ever it still impacted me. Forcing me to be a perfect daughter and feminine little girl for so much of my life has been hurting me mentally and physically I couldn't take it. I don't even want to be a girl non the less look like one. You never once said the word "I'm proud of you." Or " good job". I was never enough with straight A+ you still wanted more from me more than I could give without destroying myself. You weren't the only reason I wanted to kill my self however your narcissistic tendencies are overall shitty-ness did play a pretty significant part. Maddie my big sister you raised me well we were in foster care you have done so much and been through even more. You were the closest thing to a mother figure and I love you so very much you shall always be in my heart and I in yours.
Davin my older brother you were always there for me and new exactly how to make me feel better you are the best. I cherish every moment that I had with you. Many my oldest brother you alway cared about all of us always protecting me and our siblings and was just such an impeccable, generous, and overall awesome person. My siblings mean so much to me, I love you guys <3. Stella you were a a two faced lying bitch that reeked of shit. My friends all off them you meant so much and you were just so fun to hang out with I'm glad I could spend some of my last moments with y'all. Mic overall funny and a great friend. J same thing funny and cool. Avery I can always depend on you for thing and loved hanging out. Alex you were so great and I love every moment spent with you. Eva . . We haven't talked in a while but I want you to know you were one of the only thing keeping me alive. You are so sweet smart pretty and amazing. You have been here for so long you are unstoppable and an inspiration. It's wonderful to be around you and I will miss you. . . Ayden before I go I wanted to say I have a crush on you and thin your super hot and cute and amazing. I love all of you so much good byeeee <3"
I set the note Book on the ground and take off my shoes. I let my hair down for its small ponytail. I smother out my outfit. I was wearing a wight button up shirt with a black and gray ish blue sweater vest with ghosts on it with knee black shorts and black with two white stripes at the top caff long socks. I climb over the railings look at the magical sunset for one last time. I cross my arm over my chest like a vampire and lean back. I smile as I fall to my death. Then *splat*.

1824 words.
Authors note: I'm so sorry it took me sooooo long to post this chapter I've been having major writing block for ages now, I'll try to update more frequently, but no promises <3