Literally Nothing

•2•

To her;

The one who has made the most impact in my life, aside my mother.

There's almost too much to say;

I found myself trapped in your burning home, which admittedly; I set on fire..or did I?

Maybe I was the fuel, or the wood..whatever made it a raging one.

You brought out parts of me that I didn't know existed.

You made me endure things that I swore I never would.

Fear and tears spark in my heart and eyes- respectively..when I think of your extreme moments.

They cloud over me and make it almost impossible to breathe..but why?

I don't think they would if I don't have a thought of it repeating.

The way you pulled me down at my lowest, the way you disregarded my feelings, the way you radiated everything that I feared.

Everything you promised not to do happened right before my eyes, and I let it..I keep letting it.

How can I let go of it, when I haven't let go of my burning home?

I'm at a loss of words, I really am.

Your effect on me is unexplainable, and it's infuriating.

Understanding that I have rebelled against the worst, what is in you that I can not rebel against?

The only one who has crippled me with such fear, is my father.

Shall I compare you to such a demon?

I don't think I can.

But I can not shy away from the similarities.

The screams, the tears, the pleading, the abandonment..the fear.

All of which I experienced and find myself repeating.

I am still not rid of him, how can I be rid of you?

I realize that all I had in me was love, all of which I gave to you.

Entirely and unquestionably, I handed it all to you.

And I watched as you juggled with it, tossing it..but with so much attention, and fear of dropping it.

It was a task, one that you couldn't afford to fail.

Because you knew how precious it was.

I did nothing but stand by and watch; it was all I could do.

Afterall, you dare not interrupt a juggler while he is in play.

I am aware that I can build more love, it's somewhere there...hidden.

Waiting to come out at the sign of genuine love.

The love that encourages, the love that assures and comforts.

The love that doesn't let go..the love in Disney movies.

I refuse to believe they are nothing but fiction.

It must exist, it has to.

With all this in mind, am I ready to risk this new love going through everything again?

Knowing how much effort I have put into it, I can't hurt it..even if I hurt me, not it.

I am thankful for one thing; that my life and existence no longer revolves around you.

That I have changed my priorities and expectations.

My heart is crying out at my disregard for the good parts.

But humans are selfish, no one ever remembers that.

This is her heart speaking: Regardless of all the hurt I am filled with, I can not deny the love that once flowed through me. You gave me a new perspective on love, making me understand what I truly should feel. Every beat was for you. Screaming your name. But now, I still scream your name with every clench.. although it hurts, you haven't left here. The impact is far too strong-

This is me, I'm back:

I could not let her influence everything I had made clear.

I try to remind her of how you told her "she was feeling too much" and although she is still blinded by the love, I see much clearer.

I have hurt and I have been hurt..and I can understand that hurting does not make you a bad person, it just means you are not very aware of the impact you make in people's lives and that most of your actions are selfish and mostly for the protection of your own heart.

I don't intend to make you out to be the villain in my story, I'm not sure if I can crown you with being the hero either.

It's like saving me from a crashing building, but then destroying the whole city- the whole earth, my earth.

Of which use was it?

I have no more words left.

I can only hope for the best, for I really know not what to do.

Especially with the way my heart yearns for you.

Authors Note-
I genuinely hope everyone finds love♥