𝗯𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝘄𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙤 𝙧𝙞𝙙𝙙𝙡𝙚

22 - 𝘓𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘒𝘪𝘴𝘴

*EMMA'S POV*

It's been a few months since Mattheo's death. Since then I've learned a lot of things.

Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

Imagine living with a scream inside of you. And the scream is yours. And no one else hears it. That's another example of grief.

There are moments which mark your life, when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before and after him.

I'm unsure which pain is worse, the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.

Ever since he passed away, it has taken a toll on my entire life, you lose a part of yourself when you lose someone you love.

Yes, my friends have been comforting me, especially Theodore, it was also very hard on him, Mattheo was his best friend after all, we have both been there for each other and he has really helped me.

Some days are especially hard, but this one is even harder. Today is his birthday. His 18th birthday.

Theo agreed to come with me and visit him. I bought him some flowers, the same tulips he gave me when we first became friends.

My brother and I walk in silence, both of us too lost in painful thoughts. When we arrive, we sit down in front of his grave. I can't do this, tears form in my eyes, I wish he was here, he didn't deserve any of this.

I never thought we'd have a last kiss, never thought we'd end like this.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish it was me instead of him. He should have never sacrificed himself.

I place the flowers down and that's when the tears start to flow, although it's more like violent sobbing rather than just some tears.

Theodore wraps his arm around me "It's okay Emma, he'll always be here with us, you will be alright, right?" he says quietly crying too. I have never been as close to him as i am now, this made us closer, our bond is stronger than ever. "I will be, someday," I know I will never fully repair from this damage. "Happy birthday my love, I love you so much, I miss you, come back" he will never come back.

If I didn't know better, Mattheo would be talking to me now. I wasted all those yesterdays and i'm completely out of tomorrows.

I forgot the precise brown of his eyes. The precise tone of his voice. I now watch his life in pictures, but nothing compares to him in person, he was gorgeous, I can't blame all the girls that fell for him. I did as well. It was hard not to. He was gone too soon.

Theo holds his arm out, waiting for me to grab his hand, gesturing me to get up since it's getting dark. "Come on" he says quietly. I stand up and head off to my dorm not really thinking i'll get any sleep, I haven't had a good rest ever since that day. There I lay in my lonely bed, once more.

Life goes on, but it was never the same again.