Nowhere

Chapter 22

The sunlight is piercing through the curtains. It must still be very early; the light is still faint. I feel the weight of Matt's arm on me, and his skin pressed against my bare back. So, this really happened? Last night wasn't a dream? I feel my cheeks turn red. What the hell has got into me? I want you, Matt? How the hell did I say that with a straight face? I pull the sheets aside and try to slide out of bed without waking up Matt.

"Morning," he yawns as he tightens his grip on me and pulls me back towards him. "Running away from me?"

"No. I..." I sigh. "Yes. Yes, I was. But running away just to get some clothes and go to the bathroom." We both chuckle.

"Why?" He places a soft kiss on my bare shoulder.

I turn around to face him, still with his arm around me and only the sheet covering our naked bodies. "I don't know how to do this."

"This what?"

"This. Us. Dating." Matt smirks. "It's not funny, Matt."

"I know. It's not that."

"What is it, then?"

"You. You are adorable." I feel my cheeks burning. I must look like a tomato right now. "Rora, just don't run away from me, okay?" Suddenly, Matt's face gets sombre.

"I won't." I place my palm on his face and give him a tender kiss.

"You don't have to figure out anything right now, okay? Let's do things at our own pace. Just promise me you'll let me know when something is bothering you, or when you feel awkward or uncomfortable about anything and we'll work through it. Okay?"

"Okay. I promise." His face softens as he hears my words.

I'm a really lucky woman, aren't I? I can't feel so much love and concern from Matt just by the way he's looking at me right now. Despite the pain I've probably caused him throughout the past years.

"Anything you want to do today?" I ask.

"There's a hiking trail. No running, so you can't say no." He smirks.

"Fine. But after that, we just do nothing by the pool."

"Deal." He gives me a quick kiss.

After getting dressed, we had breakfast on the porch and one of the staff members gave us a map for the hiking trail and some tips. It's best if we leave now in the coolness of morning before the sun gets too high.

"Why didn't you try to tell me something sooner? When we were still in high school? Or even the few times we saw each other right after I left." I ask.

We're going up the mountain under the shade of the trees and the chirping of the birds. Would I have accepted my feelings or ran away if he had confessed back then? If it had happened before Dawn's death, maybe everything would've been fine, but if it had been after, the outcome would've probably been the same.

"It never felt like the right moment. I was afraid of losing you. Of getting rejected. You always seemed completely unaware of it. To be honest, I wasn't sure if you were pretending to not notice or if you were, in fact, oblivious."

"I was completely and utterly oblivious to your feelings. I'm so sorry it took me this long, Matt."

He chuckles and grabs my hand, pulling me closer to him. "Dawn kept telling me to confess. That otherwise you wouldn't notice at all. She was right."

"I admit. I'm a little clueless sometimes. Well, beyond clueless, I suppose." We chuckle.

"Were you just unaware of my feelings or of yours too?"

"Mine too." I glance at the leaves under my feet being crushed by my steps. "After I left, I didn't have Dawn. I didn't have my mom. And I didn't have you. Distance put things into perspective, and I realised how much I missed you. How painful it was to be away from you. But it never clicked that I felt that way, that it was so painful, because I was in love with you and not just because I was away from my best friend. We grew up together, so I think I got used to having you around. I got stuck on the idea that we were just friends."

"You never told me that. We talked a lot on the phone, and we still saw each other in the first few years. Why didn't you ever tell me you missed me that much?"

"I was mess, Matt. Truth be told, I've been a complete and utter mess since Dawn died. And then time passed, we started seeing each other less and barely talking. We were living separate lives. We had grown apart. It would've been selfish to just call you out of the blue and tell you how much I missed you." I shrug and hold back the tears.

"Why would that have been selfish? I would've gone to see you."

"That's exactly why it would have been selfish. Because I know that if I had done that, you would've let go of everything just to go see me. And I also know that I would've pushed you away again after that. To be completely honest, as odd as it is, I think I've only started to heal since I came back. It's sad, but it's the truth. It took me all this time. And it took coming back. I wish I had come back sooner."

Matt clenches my hand tightly and takes it to his lips.

"I never had an actual boyfriend, you know?" I blush and show him a timid smile. Every relationship I ever tried to be in was brief, and I was usually the one messing it up. Most of them never went further than just a couple of dates because I would often get scared and just ghost them.

"You're joking." Matt almost looks too happy with this revelation.

"I'm not. On top of being a mess and having trust issues, every time I tried to date someone, I found myself comparing them to you." Matt looks flabbergasted. I chuckle. "It's so silly that I ignored these feelings for so long. It was so obvious. I should've had realised that it was not normal at all to think about you when I was on a first date with someone else. I would often find myself thinking stuff like, if I was here with Matt, or Matt would've picked this movie instead, Matt would've bought flowers and opened the door instead of showing up empty-handed and late."

Matt stops walking, grabs me by the waist, and kisses me deeply. I have butterflies in my stomach, and I feel dizzy. Being in love is a funny feeling, isn't it? It feels both nice and awkward and scary.

We keep hiking up the mountain until we reach a clearing and the sight is breathtaking. We can see the whole vale and the river that runs its course through the mountains. There are other guests of the chalet walking around and taking pictures and selfies and enjoying the fresh air sitting on the few benches that are spread around. Matt looks around and asks a man that's walking by to take a picture of us.

"Matt, no."

"Please, Rora. New memories. The two of us." He smiles tenderly that there's no way I can say no.

Matt grabs me and we stand side by side with the vale behind us.

"Should we head back down? I want my lazy pool time."

He places a soft kiss on my head, and we start heading down the trail.